Update

We hosted our first party at the new digs. We had a surprise 30th birthday party for my brother, with maybe 30ish people. This home felt right...filled with family and friends--upstairs, downstairs, on the deck, on the grass...I knew this home would be perfect for us! I still remember how much we went through to get this place, how many obstacles stood in the way and I remember being SO ANXIOUS about it. One night at prayer meeting I was fed up with all the anxiety over this house. I knew it was supposed to be ours but had no idea how it could work...and the Lord said "watch me provide". I knew it was Him instantly and from then on out the anxiety faded. We still went through challenge after challenge before the house was finally ours, but I knew that voice I heard and I knew that somehow He would move things around and He would provide. He did. Because this house shouldn't be ours.

I remember when I first got pregnant. The worries of not having a home for our baby. Not having a suitable car. Well, the home was provided. And yesterday, so was our new SUV! We bought an Acura MDX that is just waiting to cart Jayce around wherever his little self needs to go. My deathcar for cutie can now take a well-deserved break. High school was a long time ago. And that puppy has been faithful ever since. But all good things must come to an end.

And Jayce Michael--"Healer--who is like God"...

We went in for our follow up visit at Swedish downtown yesterday. Our last appointment ended in tears and anxiety and worry. They were afraid they saw a double collecting system on his right kidney. Now, if his left kidney was just missing and his right kidney was fine, no one was worried. Every person I've talked to in the medical field has no issue with the missing kidney, they all say people live normal, healthy lives with just one kidney all the time. Most people aren't even aware of it. If you are over the age of 20 and reading this, you might have one kidney...they didn't start testing for them until 20 years ago. So the one kidney thing wasn't the biggest deal. But this double collecting system  brought the scary words...like surgery.

And yet, for some 'unexplainable' reason, yesterdays ultrasound showed absolutely zero sign of a double collecting system...it showed a perfectly healthy, normal, right kidney. A normal, healthy, surgery-less baby are the fresh, new thoughts in my head. My mom thinks it's all those prayers. The ones from India. The ones from friends and family and friends of family. Healed without surgery. A miracle.

My life is blessed. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I get so frustrated. Sometimes I just want to scream. But I'm taking a step back today. I'm looking at the past 7 months of my life and how everything has somehow come together when it shouldn't have. And all I can say is how blessed we are. How truly, truly blessed.

Close-up of Jayce's face..he is about to put his little hand in his mouth:)

Thinking...

I'm laying here in my new bedroom doing some thinking. As my belly undulates from my energetic son, I hear the muffled sounds of my husband and father- in- law working out on our back deck. Getting used to the new sounds and smells and feels of our new home, I feel so full and yet so empty. Across the hall from me sits a baby room. beautifully painted, but furniture-less. It's tenant hasn't arrived yet, and so it naturally feels lonely. The room serves a purpose, and it's kind of ready, but it's kind of not.

I'm thinking, I'm kind of like that room. I feel like I've been painted, ready to embrace life. Equipped with how to respond in tough situations, knowing the right words and thoughts, so in some ways I'm ready. But in some ways, I'm just not.

Part of my heart is saying the Lord is always good. He could do nothing for me for the rest of my life, and He would still be good, because that's just who He is. The other part of me has a few questions I'd like to ask Him. And possibly with some sass behind my tone of voice.

I'm thinking about broken relationships. People who have pretended to be a friend, who have used me for their own gain, who have talked friendship to my face and the opposite when my back was turned. Who have blamed me for a changed friendship, but expect me to be the only pursuer in the relationship. Who use me when it's convenient for them, but forget about me when all I need is their compassion. But I'm thinking about the good ones, too. The ones who know me. Who have put effort into me and my family. Who want to see me happy with no other motive but their love for me.  The ones who will do anything they can think of to somehow make me smile, whether they get to see it or not.

I'm thinking about my life. I'm thinking about how for as long as my memory serves, I feared either not being able to have children. Or having a child with physical problems :: Cue Alanis Morrisette's "Isn't it Ironic":: I'm thinking about my visit to the doctor today. The painfully long ultrasound, where in my head over. and over. and over. I said "Jesus, speak kidney. Jesus, speak kidney. Jesus, speak kidney." I'm thinking about the possible outcomes. The bad ones. What the doctor tried to explain to me. The terminology that makes no sense to me. I'm thinking of the words surgery. For a little, tiny baby. A baby who hasn't even breathed his first breath yet. Who consumes me. All of me. My every thought. My body. A baby that is equally me as he is Owen. The same baby that had me worried about being a mom, now has me worried for entirely different reasons.

I'm thinking of the doctor with the kind smile who told me that there were positives to this appointment. The  'syndrome' has been knocked out as a possibility. Everything else looks to be going great. And the fluid in my stomach is very good, meaning the right kidney is doing something right, because my boy is peeing.

I'm thinking about my first trimester when that kidney was supposed to develop. Going through the list of all the things I ate or didn't eat. The couple weeks I stopped taking my Prenatal vitamins because they were making me vomit. The days spent laying in bed sicker than I've ever been while everyone told me 'Yea but being sick is a good thing. It means the baby is healthy.' Yet, I was sick. And his left kidney refused to form. 

I'm thinking about my wedding day. Seeing pictures of 2 very happy people with their whole lives ahead of them. I'm thinking of me a year ago. What I could have possibly been doing on a Thursday night in August.  No idea how my world would be shaking and shifting soon. 

I'm thinking about God. How he knits us together in our mother's womb. How we are told He is so close to us. And I'm thinking I've never felt Him further away. That if He was really paying attention to what He was knitting, we wouldn't be having the 1 in every 1,000 babies born without one of their kidneys. If He is in charge of these things and is 'so close to us' then what was the oversight? Why us?

I'm thinking of my husband. Who's faith hasn't seemed to be shaken. Who doesn't question "Why Us?". Who doesn't hear the negative the doctor is saying, but has the ability to abstract only the positive. I'm thinking about him and how much I love that about him. And yet, how much it bothers me. 

I'm thinking about what I would be writing if our appointment today ended with "There it is! He has 2 kidneys." How I would have cried happy tears and shouted to the masses about how good and wonderful and wise and protective and healing and providing MY GOD IS. Because He is all those things. And even though I'm having a hard time seeing it right now, I believe it. I know I do. I have to.

I'm thinking of all the people who have taken time out of their day to pray for the 3 of us. I'm thinking of silent tears offered up as prayers with no words. I'm thinking of Jesus taking those prayers, whether they be loud and bold, or little whisperings. I'm thinking of Him approaching the throne, asking on my behalf. I'm thinking of Him getting the answer "No."

And while I'm so thankful tonight for so many things.

I'm feeling so very empty.

Laying here.

Thinking.

A Name

A lot has happened since my last post, we found out we are having a BOY! He kicks me with all he's got now, and he's got a lot. We bought a HOUSE! It's everything I've pictured for our growing little family. We went down to California for our 1 year wedding anniversary! It was a wonderful time spent with such good friends.

But this week I have had a heavy heart. A series of events have led me to question things I haven't had to question in a long time and have left gaping wounds where flesh once protected me.

 I had an ultrasound this week. At my previous ultrasound they couldn't see one of his kidneys because of the way he was laying. But I wasn't worried. However, at my last visit, they couldn't see it again and as I laid on that table with just me, the ultrasound tech and a machine, I watched her write the words "Right Kidney" and "Left Kidney Area". Not "Left Kidney". She wasn't authorized to say anything, so I walked out of there and called my mom crying. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse so she is my go to expert. She said a lot of things but the things I remember were " So what if there is one? People donate kidneys all the time and live off one. If God gave him one kidney, crying about it isn't going to do you any good. He will be fine."

The next day at the doctor's office, I was told that it looks like my precious baby boy is missing his left kidney. I didn't cry when she told me. I got the lump in my throat that felt like a boulder. I got the sting in my eyes that felt like a swarm of bees had attacked. But it wasn't until I walked out into the parking lot that I felt my knees go weak, my head spin and the tears began to flow. I wanted nothing more than for this baby to be completely whole. That his life would be limitless. That his mom wouldn't worry about that kidney for the next 50 years every time he played a sport, rode his bike, got in a car. I wrestled with the Lord. Why would He do this? If He could SPEAK the world into existence, speaking a KIDNEY couldn't be so hard. If I could do it, I would stay up for the rest of my life saying the word "kidney" until my son got a second one.

It took this to really, fully make me realize how much humans are capable of loving. I know we can be vicious, selfish people. But the Lord has given us the ability to LOVE with a reckless abandonment. I have this child, who I've never even seen, never met. He's never done anything to make me love him. He's made me more sick than I've ever been in my life. He's giving me stretch marks and sleepless nights and likes to kick me. He's done nothing to deserve my love. Yet it's there. And it's FIRE. I realized without a hesitation in my thoughts, not a pause. If it was possible, even if there was nothing wrong with the one he has, but just meant a limitless life for him, I would give him one of my kidneys. Heck, I would give him the heart that pumps fresh blood through my body. This love is unlike anything I've known.

And I sit here and think about my Creator who loves me and my son even MORE than this. And I feel safe.

The night we found this out my family surrounded Owen and I and prayed for us. The power of a family that prays is beyond explanation. But I felt peace and comfort and healing. Owen read Psalm 139. And I've read it a million times since. We prayed for peace that night. We prayed and believed in faith for healing. That the Lord would defy what the pictures are showing right now. I have one more high-tech ultrasound before there is true, hard confirmation that he only has one kidney. But my God doesn't need to work on our time limits. The miracle can happen whenever He wants. It may already have. But, if He decides this baby will have one kidney, well his days have already been numbered, so even with one kidney, we have nothing to fear.

Through this process the Lord gave us a name. It had been in the talks but nothing serious. However I felt confirmation when I was blow drying my hair through tears, on Thursday. But I said nothing. 10 minutes later Owen looked at me and said "So, should we call him Jayce?" He felt confirmation at the same time that I did. Jayce- "Healer- who is like God". Jayce Michael Barton it is.

                                                                         PSALM 139

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

4th of July Weekend!

                                     

O had to paint my toenails for a wedding. I'm officially fat and can't reach them myself.

Tyler and O golfing into the water in the San Juan's

I'm drooling just looking at this

The hike that almost led to an unhappy marriage and friendships and preterm labor...

The view that made it kind of worth it...

The very tiny, cute, untrained puppy

Glorious!

We had a fun weekend starting off with a wedding on Friday night. Left for Friday Harbor and stayed with the Hanson's family right on the water! I slept in a tent for 2 nights! Owen bought an air mattress before we left because there was no way I was going without one. We hiked. I almost died. And almost killed Owen. We played with lots of dogs. Ate lots of good food and junk food. Walked around a cute little town with ice cream in hand as we passed by boats and kids and red, white, and blue splashed everywhere. Owen swam in the freezing cold water. I read People magazines. We had some great conversations. 

Came home to a BBQ at Bina and K's and topped it off with fireworks in Edmonds. We got to escape all the crazy traffic and walk there! For once in my life, I was close enough to walk to the fireworks in Edmonds, and it made me never want to leave this place. 

Was a fun weekend indeed! Sunshine, food, family, friends. Great combo.

It will be interesting to see how much of this stuff we can do next year...when it's O and me + 1 !

???

 Tomorrow we find out!


No more referring to you as 'it' or 'the baby' or 'he or she'. We will be gender specific and we will love you!


We will buy you clothes and blankets and paint for your room in all the right colors!


We'll start thinking of names...for reals. We'll argue over those names. But we'll find one, perfect for little you.


We'll dream about what you'll be when you grow up. We'll start praying for that future spousey.


But, before we get there...a recap of my last week with you...


I feel your little movements now. I started feeling them last week at work. Without a doubt I knew it was you and not an upset stomach. And now I wait for it. All day. I wait to feel you. Sometimes I tap, and you tap back. We already have our own little game. But I wait in between wiggles for the next one. The whole world stops and 2 seconds feels like an eternity, just so I can feel you move again. And I'm the only one who can feel you. Marking it now. There was a point in your little existence where it was just me and you. Someday, when 'dada' is your first word, I want to remember that you tapped on me first. Our own little world of games and secrets and waiting. It feels like magic...you feel like magic.

Boy or Girl?

Baby Barton from the outside at 13 weeks

There has been a lot of talk around the gender of Baby Barton. Some strong theories have been presented along the way, most of which have nothing to do with anything.

Here are some of the things I've been alerted to:

-Baby Barton is a boy because you are carrying it all in the front.

-Baby Barton is a girl because you are obsessed w/ sugary sweets

-Baby Barton is a boy because the Chinese calendar says so

-Baby Barton is a girl because you were sick to your stomach in the first trimester

-Baby Barton is a boy because we need one more boy in the family to complete the starting line-up for our future basketball team

-Baby Barton is a girl because little girl clothes are way cuter than little boy clothes

-Wait, maybe the Chinese calendar said girl

-Wait, maybe you are carrying it all around, not just in the front

-Wait, I was more sick with my boy, not my girl

So to all you who have been guessing and giving me every reason in the book as to why it is whatever gender it is...you have a 50% chance of being completely wrong.

During our last ultrasound, where I was asked to go in to check for TWINS because I'm HUGE (there is only one in there no worries), our ultrasound tech gave us her guess as to this little baby's gender.

Until it's confirmed on July 6th, I'll let you all continue on with your scientific explanations of why it's a he or she. But just remember...

...you have a good chance of failing.

And Baby Barton, no pressure. You come out being whatever God made you to be. We'll welcome you with open arms, whether the next ultarsound shows us something extra, or the absence of something extra. But if you do have that something extra, you might be stuck with the name Billy Bob... Billy Bob Barton... my brain has come to a boy name block.

Baby Barton from the inside at 13 weeks. Was a very wiggly baby, even waved at us! It had hit Owen and I like a ton of bricks to see our squirmy wormy baby moving about. I almost started sobbing, but refrained. I was so overwhelmed by the miracle of this tiny little life. We are now at 16 weeks and waiting for 'the feeling'...I should start feeling him/her any day now!

A Friend Like Mine

I have this friend. She's different than just your average friend. I'll tell you some things about her, and maybe you'll understand. But, you won't. Because you have to be friends with her to get it.

I remember right after I got engaged, I wanted to ask her to be in my wedding, but I thought she might think I was weird because we hadn't known each other for that long. But I prayed about it. And I thought that was weird because I figured God wouldn't care who was in my bridal party. Oh, He cared. He answered. And in hindsight it makes sense why He told me to put her in it. And if I hadn't, well, it'd be a sad regret of mine today. I'm so glad she stood up there with me on the most important day of my life.

This weekend, she was prayed over. And something was said to the effect of "You treat your friends as Christ would". And nothing has ever been truer. If Jesus was on this Earth, I believe He would find her to be the best of friends. And I believe since I'm 2,011 years too late to walk around with Him, she might be the closest thing to a Godly friendship I can get.

We can have a conversation from across a crowded room with just one look. A full blown, 5 hour conversation. She knows what I'm thinking, I know what she's thinking, words don't even need to be exchanged. It's a done deal.

She knows my Chipotle order by heart. Now, that, that is love. AND, she buys it for me. Brings it over for dinner. Brings it by to me when I'm at work. She loves it as much as I do. And she shares it graciously.

We never go a day without speaking in some form. If we don't see each other, we are having a continual conversation through text messages that starts from about 10:30 am and ends around bed time. I know what's up with her. She knows what's up with me. At all times.

We are both sarcastic. So if you don't know us very well, we've probably offended you. Sorry. 

We have the same guilty pleasure shows. And neither of us feel guilty when we watch them with each other.

When I told her my doctor wants me eating seafood 3 times a week so Baby Barton will get some protein (since meat is my nemesis), she brought over homemade pesto pasta with shrimp.

She and another wonderful friend cleaned my house when Baby Barton was occupying my life with puking and sleeping.

I don't know anyone who doesn't like her. I know people that don't like me. But not her. 

Hell has broken down her door countless times and she fights back with a fire that I have yet to see in anyone else. And then she wipes Her savior's feet with all those expensive tears.

She encourages my faith. She makes me stand up when I'd rather be benched, but is always standing right beside me in case I fall back down. She prays for me. She cries with me. She laughs with me.

I've had hard relationships with girl's since I was young. There is something about this one that is strong and confident. That is absent of jealousy and filled with joy.

This world would be a happier place,

if everyone in it, had a friend like mine.