5 months

5 months old my little bud. How do I push reset? And not so I can do anything different, but so that I can do it all over and over again. Every single second has been joy (well, maybe there were one or two days where I was sick, you were screaming non-stop, I threatened to put you in the garage?)..Ok so minus those...you are my JOY little guy.

You are such a little person now. You are becoming less and less like a baby and more and more like a little boy with your own little personality. Your doctor said you are 'developmentally advanced'...well duh, look at your parents. And that laugh I talked about at 3 months...oh it's 10 times better and louder and at all the right moments.

You pooped on the potty at 3 months old. Twice. I seriously think that's a record. You're a freaking genius. You freak out when  you see your bottle and need it instantly. You love taking baths, it's your fave ever.  You don't need to be rocked to fall asleep anymore, you do it all on your own, and it makes me sad:( Waiters and waitresses always ask me if you're always so good. You are. You eat rice cereal like a little goat, and you mean business. You love it. You cry when other babies cry, you're so compassionate:)  You can rock a mullet like nobody's business. You scream before your nighttime bottle, but after it, you talk and talk and laugh and laugh before we put you down to sleep. It's the most bittersweet moment of the day...it's your sweetest moment, but we have to say goodbye. You sleep for 12 hours. THANK YOU, JESUS! You're scared of the twins, rightfully so. They're big, and there's 2.

You love your dad like nothing else. You watch everything he does with a look of awe on your face. The way the spoon goes in his mouth, the way he buttons his shirt, the way he sings all the wrong words...he's got your attention. And that makes me relieved more than anything because the world needs more guys like your daddy. If you're watching his every move, then the future of this world is looking blindingly bright.

You love people. Especially girls as of late. Of all ages. You don't discriminate. You flash your pearly gums and bat those gorgeous lashes and they all ooh and aww and you'll take it. I'm hoping this phase will phase out before you reach Kindergarten.

You love it when you're pants are off. Also, hoping that goes away before Kindergarten.

Speaking of Kindergarten. Ew. It makes me sick. Like, I would lie if I could, but I've maybe cried once or twice or ten times thinking about you going to school. Leaving the safety net of me and you and dad and all our family and close friends. It makes me sick. Kids are mean. And if anyone is ever mean to you I will probably have to beat them up. And I don't think I'll have to worry about you being mean, with the gum flashing and the daddy watching, you'll be kind a boy. You are a kind boy.

You love dogs. Love. Them. They bark and you always look up at me with the biggest smile, just to make sure I can hear it, too.

Bud, you are changing me. Things in me are lightening up. My life feels less heavy with you in it. I feel like I'm floating. My worries have changed. They aren't so much about me anymore. You've taught me how to love outside of me. You've taught me not to take things so seriously. Not to let people bring me down. You've helped me let go of many of my insecurities.You've brought me into a world of big smiles and laughs and Elmo galore. And I like this world. It's where I belong.

You're smart, you're sweet and you are YUMMY. It's my favorite word for you right now because I constantly want to eat you up. You and your chubby legs, your crazy flapping arms, your fatty cheeks, your tiny mouth...YUM.EE.

Thank you, Jacey Pies. For bringing me here. To this place I don't deserve. I'm on a cloud in your sky.

Where I've been

Priorties. Who has time to blog when you got priorities...

...in no particular order.

Jace's Bedroom

Jace sleeping in his bedroom! Picture by Jocelyn K. Brown photography:)

A New Kind of Love

"I think any mama can agree that one of the best ways to feel loved is when someone loves your child." - Kelle Hampton

I read that on one of my favorite blogs today and wished I had said it first. It's so true. The way that Jace is loved blesses me more than anything I've ever known. I love Owen more than I did the day I married him, because I see his heart for our son. But, it's not just with Owen. Anyone who compliments, snuggles, loves on Jace steals my heart. It's a new kind of love.

Thanksgiving Day 2011, I had a waiting room full of family ready to welcome my precious boy into the world. The next day, one of my dearest friends flew up from California to surprise me because she couldn't bear the thought of missing my son's first days. People called, sent flowers, showed up, brought meals, and held my baby as if he was their own.

The depths of my heart grew exponentially when I realized how much more I felt for people when they unconditionally loved the most important thing in my life. During the past 3 months, the stretch marks on my heart have only gotten bigger, because little man is one loved little dude.

"Someday, several years from now... we'll remember that the depth of our cherished friendships began when we showed up long ago. When we held out our arms to hold each other's babies for the very first time. When we made mothering an infant seem a little less isolating because we stopped by, we brought meals, we rocked and kissed those newborns and we celebrated." -KH

3 Months

                                                                              

My boy. You are 3 months and 2 days old right now. 3 whole months! I can  hardly believe it. I feel like you were born just yesterday, and yet I feel like I've known you my whole life.

You are one amazing kid. After your morning nap today, I went in to get you and you squealed with delight and threw your hands in the air and kicked your legs up and down, like I was the best thing you'd seen all your life. You do this often, but for some reason today, it took the breath from my lungs and I wondered how I ever went through life without you. How I lived 25 years not knowing what I was missing.

You laugh now. From your belly. Those gut laughs. You think I'm the funniest person in the world, and I totally agree with you. I think you're pretty funny, too. And I think we're going to have a lifetime of gut wrenching, tears flowing, laughs, you and me.

You love your hands. You shove them as far back into your mouth as you possibly can without making yourself puke. But you also hate your hands. Because you have very little control over them, so they seldom do what you want them to.

You are a morning person. You didn't get that from me. Every morning you wake up and hang out in your crib and talk to your owl friend at that top of your lungs (we're working on inside voices, but you don't seem to get that part). You jibber jabber for a good half hour before I finally go in there to get you. And you are ALL smiles when I do.

You like to be fussy when we're around people. I frantically have to try to figure out how to calm you down. I think you just like to see me flustered. Thanks, buddy.

You like you're dad. A lot. You guys are pretty much best buds. He is already trying to teach you how to walk and you happily move your feet as if you're really trying. We're grooming you to be an overachiever. Just trying to prepare you for Harvard. Can never start too early.

Speaking of Harvard, you love books. I read to you everyday and you laugh at the pictures as if you know what's going on. But, you don't. So, what are you laughing at?

Helping Daddy install a light

                                                                     

You're favorite song to dance to is "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston. You know how to move and you got that from me. You'll thank me later.

I started back at work last week and it makes me so sad everytime I have to leave you. Those 5 hours tick by painfully slow as I sit there and think about you every single second. We belong together and nothing else makes sense. You might have to fit me into your college dorm room someday.

But, really my Jacey pants. Everything in life has become more colorful since you arrived. I dreamed of you all my life and none of those dreams came close to how amazing the real you is. My whole heart is occupied with love for you and I will try my dardnest for the rest of my life to make you feel every ounce of it.

3 months down and a lifetime to go! It just keeps getting better and better.

                                                               

Only You

Ever since we brought little man home from the hospital, he has brought so much joy to our home. But, there are days where he throws some major fits and it's so sad because I know he is pain.

He is now on medicine for acid reflux, which has calmed him down, but there are still times where he will spit up and then be terrified to even look at his bottle, probably because of the pain he is afraid will come if he keeps drinking it. But, we have to sit there through his screaming, red face, shaking hands and body, because, well..the kid's gotta eat! He will get himself so worked up NOTHING calms him down. Not me swaying him, or kissing him, or stroking his hair...nothing. Well, except one thing.

When Jace was probably one month old, Owen put on this song, Only You, by David Crowder Band. And it would get Jace to would fall asleep. No other song sufficed. Just this. And now, in his uncontrollable fits, we put this song on, and you can almost see him instantly just calm. His whole body stops and he goes on to drink his bottle. His whole countenance changes. He is at peace.

I have to say, I'm highly appreciative that it's this song and not 'Baby Got Back' or something.

If you listen to the words, it's even more settling. I love that it's a worship song that calms my boy down. At the ripe old age of one month old, Jesus already has his attention. Jesus is already the one that calms him and gives him peace. Jace might not know it yet, but Jesus knows Jace.

We can't even let the song finish or else Jace starts to panic. We have to start the song over before it ends, because he needs to keep hearing it to keep him calm. How true it is, that once we stop hearing His voice, we start to panic.

I see myself years from now, on Jace's first day of school, at his first basketball game, the first time he drives a car, his first date, when he goes to college, moves out, when he leaves me for his bride. I see myself listening to this song and remembering, no matter what I did or how much I want to be there for him to protect him from the world, it was never me who could give him ultimate peace and security, it has always been and always will be only you, Lord.

And for that, I am truly thankful.

Only You Lyrics

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it’s only You

Zzzz...

I might fall asleep while writing this. And if I do. Well, I'll be super happy about it.

Sleep. My old best friend. How I love thee and miss thee.

I know everyone says that one of the hardest things about having a baby is sleep deprivation. I was doing pretty well at first. Really. I mean the every 3 hour schedule was not my fave, but it wasn't as horrid as everyone made it sound.

But, here I am, 2 months and some change without one night. Not one night of a full 8 hour, uninterrupted, where it's long enough to finish my dream, sleep.

2 nights ago he gave us his longest stretch...7 WHOLE HOURS. It was amazing. So of course, last night I went into it thinking I'd get the same treatment. NOPE! He was up. Every. Hour. It's almost worse that he slept 7 hours the night before because I was expecting it. The letdown was crushing.

I'm. Tired. And that stuff about sleeping when the baby sleeps is impossible. And not only do I get up every 3 hours, but it takes me about a half hour to feed him and another hour for me to get myself back to sleep. It's the opposite of fun. And I'm the opposite of sane, showered, put together.

I dream of the days when he's 16 years old and wants to sleep in until noon.

Til then, my dear old friend, sleep, I'll dream of you fondly. While I'm wide awake. With bags under my eyes.