Confession

(Thank you Google for your lovely image)

I feel like I just got beat up. Like I got punched in both of my eyes and tackled to the ground.


Today I sat through 11 hours of Freedom. Well, ok. So there is this "Freedom Class" that me and a few of my friends went through today and people prayed for us for our original design--who it is God made us to be before the lies of the world corrupted our view of ourselves. I was so encouraged to realize and speak out Truth about who my God really believes I am. That fear is a FALSE TESTIMONY of who Jesus is. What a revelation.


And then there was the portion where we were prayed to identify injustices that have happened in our lives and our responses to them. Oh. my. gosh. To sit here and actually explain the process to which this happened would just be an encyclopedia- sized script of my chaotic life. So, I'll spare you. But here is what I learned.


When you think you know everything about God that there is to know. Think again. Because He will shake and BUST through the little play pen you set Him in. I'm looking at Him right now going, wow. Wow. WOW.


It's interesting. In my last post I mentioned that if there wasn't darkness how would I know the stars are twinkling? TWINKLING? Is that REALLY the verb that a star deserves? You wanna know how Wikipedia describes a star??


"A star is a massive, luminous ball of plasma held together by gravity.  The nearest star to Earth is the Sun, which is the source of most of the energy on Earth."


Do you know how many light year's away stars are?? I mean, I can't compute those kind of numbers in my head. My brother, Joe, was given the math genes. But REALLY? I can see something THAT far away from me? It is 'the source of most of the the energy on Earth?!' I hardly believe stars should be associated with the word twinkle. Maybe BLAST or FEROCIOUS ENERGY or HUGELY MAMMOTH SIZED BURSTING OF SHINE.


But not twinkle.


Unfortunately, when something is so far away, that's what you see. You see a portion of what it is. You leave enough distance and you only see a glimpse of the whole package. Of the blast. Of the ferocious energy. Of the hugely mammoth bursting of shine.


Where have I put my God in my life? What is the distance between me and Him that I am only seeing Him twinkle. That I'm keeping myself at a safe enough distance to not see who He really is. I'm telling you He only twinkles. I've failed to get close enough, to let Him show me more. To let me tell you more.


So here I am. Feeling beat up because my emotions are scattered. Because I feel like I thought I knew, but am just now realizing. I've been holding Him at a safe enough distance so that He can't come in all the way. So that He can't have all my territory. He can certainly have SOME. But all? No. I have believed the lie that some of it is just mine for the keeping. I believed it and didn't even know it. I didn't know that I was giving God characteristics that aren't really His. That I was telling Him and the world that He is a God who twinkles.


I have been holding a place just for me. A place that I have been controlling. Manipulating. Fearing. Lying to others saying all is well. I've been holding those places for my own sanity.


Believing all the while in my head, that MY GOD is a God of protection. While my heart says "Lisa. Protect yourself and everyone you love because God won't".


I have been believing, everyday, that Owen will die because God will want to show me that I don't need to depend on Owen in this life, but just God. I have been believing that God made me the youngest in a big family because He wants me to watch all my family members die, so He can walk me through healing and show me He can heal the deepest of wounds. I have been believing that God will keep me from having children because I want them so badly. So by NOT having them, I will realize that God is all I need to be truly satisfied.


Who the HECK do I believe God is? Do I really believe this? I believe He is a God of protection who doesn't protect? Or a God of protection who protects everyone but me? Do I believe that His protection and love over me is demonstrated by holding a hat over my head? That it's not as deep as the oceans? As high as the heavens? As wide as the universe?


Do I believe the desires He has given me are just so that they can be taken away? That the desires of my heart should be silenced? That I have to know pain to learn anything?


I feel like I've been beat up today. Because I realized that this God that calls me His friend, His ambassador, who has given me His power and authority, who has given me Life and a heart renewed. This same God, who has given me His all... I have believed false rumors about Him. Rumors from a dark and ugly place. Rumors like He doesn't care about me enough to keep me out of harms way. That He is leaving me exposed and vulnerable and it's my job to shut Him out of that part of my life and control it myself. Manipulate it myself. Fear it myself.


It's like I heard a rumor about my best friend. And I should have known that there's no way my friend would ever say or do these things. I should have done everything in my power to stop this defamation of His character from perpetuating. Yet, I let it spread like wildfire.


So, I confess to you. Whoever you are that is reading this. I confess to you that I am wrong. That I don't know everything there is to know about God. That I have put him in a safe little cage in my life and have tried to contain Him with barbed wires. I confess that I have pleaded for lives to be transformed in His name, while not believing He has the goodness to protect what is His.


And today I release Him. To run free in my life. To conquer and inhabit any territory of my heart and circumstances that He wants. To help me believe Truth and not lies. To believe that He is good. That He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. That He is giving me all of eternity to learn more and more about how truly breathtaking He really is.


I don't want my life to go on this way. Telling others of the twinkle Jesus has put in my life.



I'm hungry to show the world a hugely mammoth sized bursting of shine.

Getting to the Mountaintops

  

(Thank you Owen for this picture you took that makes me think you were somewhere very high and dangerous)

"Everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something"

                                             H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It's that time of year. There is a large, empty void in my life where my Christmas tree used to be. The magic of lights as I turn onto different streets are now filled with darkness. The wrapping paper is pushed into the back of the closet. "O Holy Night" won't play for another year (or possibly July if I start to miss it too much). The holidays are over.

Some people find it a relief, but this for me, means the beginning of the most boring months of the calendar year. Not a whole lot to look forward to until the cherry blossoms poke their heads out in Spring...but then again, the pollen nearly kills me, so it's kinda a trade off (yea, call me glass half empty).

And for some reason, it's during these months that the bad things always seem to happen, or are at least magnified. Lately, all around me I've been noticing pain. It's been a hard week in the blog world. A lot of the blogs I stalk have given some sort of news that has left me weeping at my computer like a blubbering idiot. Oprah doesn't help things either. Nor does the news. And even the friends that I  see everyday are experiencing pain through all sorts of situations. Promises broken. Trust misused. Loss of loved ones.

I feel helpless.Why do people have to go through pain? Why do we have to feel discomfort, hurt, loneliness, betrayal? 

And it doesn't escape anyone. I mean. I get that we all love something. I love that we all love something. But why does fear and loss also reside in us? Why are these inherent traits that we carry around with us just as we carry around our laughs and smiles?

One of the most testing trials of pain in my life was when my cousin died in a motorcycle accident. His death shaped the rest of my college years, who I was, how I perceived God, who I am now and how I view God today. There is purpose in pain. It is often impossible to see when entering or going through it. But hindsight is 20/20. I learned so much about so much when i felt like it wasn't fair to ever laugh again. When I forgot the pattern of normal breathing. When i thought my tear ducts would eventually run dry. When i wrestled through sleepless nights and shook my fist at the King of Kings. I writhed in discomfort and pain and I stayed there until I learned healing, and grace, and mercy, and trust. 

If I never heard music I hated, then how would I know the kind that taps my heart to life? If I never knew darkness, I wouldn't know the stars were twinkling. If I never ate tofu, I wouldn't know how truly mouth-watering and satisfying pizza is.

Third Day's song, Mountain of God, says:

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

It is part of the design. How can we know true joy and happiness, if we don't know true pain and sorrow? We MUST trudge through the valleys to stand on the mountaintops.  

Here is the good news. We don't have to do it alone. Our God is not constrained by time. The thought that He is already in tomorrow is beyond my wildest comprehension. But He's gone before us. He is in tomorrow because He is not held by the days that we have created in boxes on a calendar. So if He is in our tomorrows, He is waiting to embrace us. In our joy. Or in our pain. 

He is already there. Ready to defend us. Ready to fight for us. Ready for us to just collapse into His arms.

So He can give us purpose. 

So He can carry us through valleys. 

And so He can proudly stand with us on the mountaintops,

In this beautiful war, 

called life.

Reminders and Revelations in 2010

(Thank you Google for your lovely image)

2010 rang in with a bang! Owen proposed New Year's day 2010! But life had taken a twist a few weeks early and the weeks after the proposal that I almost wanted 2010 to be over with as soon as it began. There were some big flops in 2010, but then also, a magical year to be remembered forever. So here are some things I was reminded of in 2010 and some things that were revealed to me. Oh, 2010. You were bitter and you were sweet. But I will never ever forget you... 
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Diet Coke relapses are most likely to occur during the holidays.


Death seeks out anyone, anywhere, at any time. And it never gets easier to hear the news.

Be nice to your brother's friends...they might be helpful during your wedding...they might also make great brothers to you as well. Same with sisters in law.

Giving presents is better than getting them.

It's possible to make one of your best friends in just 3 weeks.

People you love will move away..sometimes all at the same time. And you are forced to find a new rhythm.


Proximity doesn't dictate depth of relationship.

If you're not careful, other people's insecurities can become your own.

It is possible to see the same person everyday and still get the butterflies.

Seattle during the Fall is not of the devil, but is actually beautiful, cozy and fresh.

If TJ Maxx were human, we would be the best of friends. And Pandora would be a close second.

I was once told my wedding and my funeral would be the 2 places ALL my family and friends from every span of life would attend...one down.

Some people are impossible to please. And at some point you have to stop trying so hard and just live as who you are.

90s R & B. Can't go wrong.


Home Alone gets better with age. 

When in doubt, Chipotle.

I am very honored to have been a part of my wedding...there were some pretty cool people there.

Blog stalking is like free medication...or crack.


Antone Dodson became my only source of discourse for months. Sad. And yet awesome.


Parents will always be parents. Whether you're old or married or single or whatever. They will still call you to see if you need a ride on a snowy day. They will still baby you when you are sick. They will still worry about every little thing you do and tell you to wear warmer clothes when it's cold and to get more sleep.  

Some people are nothing like what they have portrayed to the world, and that's just a part of life.

It is possible for your heart to break in a good way. Like when Shifa, Caleb or Enosh look at me. I think it's because my heart isn't big enough to contain that much love, so it just collapses.

Unfortunately, words can't be taken back. Choose wisely the first time.

A glass of wine is not what it once was.

I may or may not have listened to a Miley Cyrus song on repeat for a week. Only God can judge me.

That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you hear a song, and it takes you back to the first time you heard it....yea that.. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

It's not ok to punch the bride even if you and her get $1 million after a year.

The selfish part of me wants to move to another country. The other selfish part of me doesn't want to leave the comfort of home.

Sometimes it's ok for the matron of honor to lose your cell phone right before your honeymoon...in this case it wasn't.


Your wedding is your wedding. Not everyone will be happy with the decisions you make. Oh well. They can do whatever they want at their wedding.  Haters will hate.

Twins???!! Yes please!!! For them. Not me.

Donuts are never good for anyone. Not the sugary kind. Not the car kind.


You can't possibly marry the hottest, most selfless, sweet, and yet manly, Jesus loving guy on earth. Because I did. 

People will take advantage of you, manipulate you, and use you. I haven't figured out the proper response to this one yet.

Texting conversations are bad. As is Facebook. Both to which I highly subscribe.


I'm equally as bad at jeopardy now, as I was in the first grade. Did I miss something?

Changing your last name name is no easy task.

Watching your 3 year old niece sing "Joy to the World" at church for the first time can lead to violent tears, hyperventilation, and convulsions.

Anyone that can read can cook if you have a recipe!

On that note...2 canned peppers are not the same as 2 cans of peppers.

If you are having dinner with a celebrity, play it cool and act like you don't care. I think? 

Don't use your work email as your main email. Just don't do it. Especially if you and your sisters like to write 90810923 emails a day.


Living with a kind man makes it easy to see all the yuck that's inside of you, and makes you want to get rid of it all. 

Family. At the end of the day, they are the most honest, funniest, loyal people I've got. My bestest of best friends. Don't mess with them...only I can do that.

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While 2010 played like a faded song in the background of life I experienced some of my happiest of tears and some of my saddest. I was engaged. I was married. I had a bachelorette party to be remembered forever. I went on a honeymoon! 2 babies were born in the family and 2 more are on their way! I watched old friends move out of my life (or at least  out of proximity) while I watched new friends cuddle up a little closer. I felt pain and rejection, I felt healing and worth. I felt heartache and questions. I felt joyful and at peace.

He carried me through 2010. He smiled on me. He gave me hope and reason and fight.


He taught me new things about myself and more importantly, about who He really is.

2011, you've got some competition. Let's see whatcha got.

Thought for the Day

My friend just told me he found a journal that his great great grandmother wrote on her way over from Norway to America. He has a book of his great great grandmother's feelings and experiences as a young girl.

So what about my great great grandchildren? Will they one day be telling their friends how they found their great great grandmother's blog address??

Somehow, not as cool :/

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

We've heard all the stuff about Christmas being about family and friends and not presents and it being about  Jesus' birth, so at the risk of being redundant and cliche..it is SO about the BIRTH of GOD on EARTH!

How much more humble does it get than that?? Than a king, living life with us common-folk. Being born in a barn, surrounded by animals...that stink. It is UNFATHOMABLE.

I'm going to plagiarize a part of a blog I wrote a couple years ago that I just stumbled on.

I was reading Luke 3 which speaks on the genealogy of our Savior Himself. I read through some familiar names, Obed son of Boaz, Jacob son of Isaac, son of Abraham, all the way back to Adam, Son of God. How amazing it starts with God! He created humanity, was the father of Adam, and yet generations down the road He appears again, in humanity WITH US. He stepped down from his throne of glory to walk in dirt, eat dinner with his mom, get slivers at work, and go fishing with his friends. He became an everyday, ordinary, one of us.

2 Corinthians 8:9 says “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.” He stepped down for our sake! For our inheritance!

I’m reminded of the song “How Many Kings” that says:

‘How many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Only one did that for me’

In His humility He gave it all up for us. There isn’t another human on this planet that can love like that. And, there is no other god spoken of on this earth, that loves this much. He is the only God that stepped into His creation to endure what we endure. He is the only God worthy of our worship and praises.

Hebrews 2:17-18 tells us that “He had to be made like his brothers in every way … [and] because He Himself suffered when he was tempted, He is able to help those who are tempted.”

We don’t serve a distant god, or an uninvolved father. We serve a God of humility, great enough to disrobe His glory and take on the mundane tasks of life, the betrayal of friends, the struggle of temptations. And when life becomes ordinary and repetitive, we can say that even God Himself lived a plain life on this earth for us.

Thank you, Jesus. For caring the way you do. For devising a plan to save me. For your all sufficient grace. For your example of humility. For being Love. For being my "Wonderful counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace"

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, to the 3 people that read my blog:)

AND A VERY HAPPY 2010th BIRTHDAY to you, Jesus! You. are. THE MAN.

In the words of someone wise:

2,010 is the new 21!

It's a Wonderful Life

Wow. I've been meaning to blog for so long! Now weeks have past and I don't know if I can catch this thing up to speed!

So just hours after my last post my wonderful husband took me out for a birthday "dinner". Thinking we were on our way to downtown Seattle for a bite to eat, we pulled into the Westin for a night on the town with a shopping package to Pacific Place. A shopping package? A hotel? SO the way to my heart! What a guy I married!

 

Views from our room at the Westin!

The next day, we hung around Seattle for a while, got brunch at the Icon Grill which was A-MAZING! It was totally decked out in Christmas-ness. It was YUMMY FOOD! There was a guy on a piano playing all kinds of Christmas music, it was the perfect way to get me in the holiday mood!

We headed home shortly after and walked into our condo.  My jaw dropped while the rest of my brain tried to understand what my eyes were seeing. While we were gone, my cousins, sister-in-law, and brother came over and beautified my home! Now, if you remember my prior post, I had talked about having bare walls, and yada yada yada. They bought different things that I had wanted, but didn't know where I'd put them...and they put it all together and made it so so pretty!! It was the PERFECT present. What a wonderful, amazing, fun and loving family I have. I'm still giddy sitting here admiring my cute little condo:)

Living room lit by Christmas tree

Been wanting this for months! Places in London I visited.

Hallway

Kitchen!

That night, my girl friends came over and we all hung out and went to a new restaurant in Edmonds to celebrate once again:)

Santa in India!--Birthday present from Chinu--fresh off the boat!

This birthday was especially sweet to me, the best birthday yet! If you know me, you know that my birthdays have been filled with HORRIBLE memories. But nothing quite as heart breaking as my last birthday. Check out my cousin, Bina's blog, for more details on our dear friend, Luke, who we remembered and missed on the anniversary of the day he went home to our Lord.

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The next weekend we flew out to Austin, Texas, for Owen's cousin, Valerie's wedding! It was a BLAST! A short trip, but so fun nonetheless. It was wonderful meeting Owen's family and learning they are just as big and loud and fun as us:) I really hope this is just the beginning of many more years of getting to know this side of the family. They are an awesome bunch!

The Driskell Hotel--where we stayed!

Wedding Venue

Valerie and O

Me and Valerie

O's dad, Haley (Matt's wife), Matt (O's cousin), O's mom, O and Me:)

BEST COVER BAND...EVER!

James (Meredith's husband), Meredith (O's cousin), Me and Owen

A night on 6ith Street

Meredith and Me

Photobooth Fun!

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Finally, our friends are home! Some of these friends we saw for the very last time on our wedding day as we left our reception! Oh how I love the holidays, to be able to see everyone again has been a wonderful gift!

Amy spent the day with me on Monday and we got to hang out at my place and hit up a few restaurants in downtown Edmonds. It was wonderful to have my PIC with me once again!

The next day, our group went out for little Jessi's birthday to a sushi place called Japonessa! Was yum and pretty. Conversation was the best part though. I love my girls:) And Monica was SO SWEET. At the end of our  meal we were served cupcakes to honor each of us in some way...The Amy's being home, mine and Jessica's birthdays, etc. They were some GOOD cupcakes.

Amy sandwich

Sidhu sandwich with an Uppal on the side

Red Velvet Cupcakes!

And we topped off the week with a white elephant party at our place with all our WG buddies! The Lapps' and T-Smith are home! Zach got an Easy Bake Oven, O got a pocket knife, Storer got a Christmas tree pen, Gina got a sword, a clapping device, and glowsticks, Heather got a New year's Eve party kit, Sam and Chris got coffee thermos's', Hector got chopsticks, a panda bear and a makeup pouch, Ty got scone mix, Ty Hanson picked his own gift--chocolates, Teg got vanilla wet wipes, I got a belt and wallet from Uruguay. 

Buddies

My ladies...being civilized

Our boys...being uncivilized

I LOVE my family. I LOVE my friends.

It's a wonderful life.

My Biggest Fear

So my funk.

I have not been this insecure about myself since I was in middle school. And I had a REALLY good excuse in middle school. Hair straighteners didn't exist in my world. Glasses that were too big face for my face. Teeth that went north, south, east, AND west. I had a great excuse for the insecurities I had.

It's been so long since I have been crippled by my fears. Yet, here I am.

My fears could take up a whole dictionary-sized book, but I'll share a few.

Fear of not being a good wife.

Fear of not being a good cook.

Fear of having a messy house for all my guests to criticize.

Fear of being looked down on because I have no art in my heart. Seriously. I have no eye for anything artistic. My walls have been bare since we moved in because I just don't know what to do with them. Some guy's Facebook status today said 'it is the gift of women to make things beautiful'. Oh how TERRIBLY I have failed in this department.

Fear of not being seen as beautiful. I'm at my heaviest weight in all my life and I know I'm not the only one who notices. It scares me!  But not enough to put the cupcake down and go for a walk.

Fear of not being a good enough friend/sister. I have all these amazing friends and family! What can I do for them that is as amazing as they have done for me?

I have been so insecure and paralyzed by these fears that it has caused me to do nothing more than to fixate on them. I've used up all my time looking for things to buy or things to put on my walls (although I must add, again, I have AMAZING friends who have helped me put most of this together now).

I've been cleaning my house everyday (not necessarily a bad thing, but it is since I'm doing it out of anxiety), like scrubbing down counters, vacuuming, hanging up clothes. I go around and try to make sure everything is where it's supposed to be in case someone stops by (and then, of course when I DON'T do it, someone stops by and I feel dumb).

I've been looking at old pictures of myself, and comparing new pictures. And seeing how much skinnier I used to be.

My mind is constantly working over time. Over thinking things, being overly sensitive to things ,wondering what people say behind my back when they can say harsh things to my face.

**Let me just add my husband has nothing to do with my psychoticness! He is amazing and thinks I am amazing and our condo is amazing and anything I do to it is amazing...for some strange reason:) He's a good man! Thank you Jesus for giving me the best man you could find out there!**

So here I am. A ball of mess. A big ball of hot mess.

And the one place my eyes and my heart should be are on Jesus.I KNOW He is in the business of melting these insecurities away. He has done it for me countless times. Because when I realize everything isn't about me, but it's about Him, my insecurities don't seem all that important anymore. I KNOW I just need Him. I need His perspective. I need to know that all I am is His vessel, that I am not my own.

Yet, I can't do that. Because right now, He's my biggest fear.

I found myself praying the other day, and I was about to pray "Lord, do whatever it takes in my life, do whatever you need to do to make me love you more. To make my life reflect you more." But yet, I couldn't do it.

I found myself stopping my prayer, because i just couldn't do it. I don't want Him to do whatever it takes right now. Saying "whatever it takes" assumes I am asking Him to TAKE. I don't want my world to get knocked of its orbit again. Because despite these crazy insecurities, there are things I would never want to change about my life.

A year ago this weekend, everyone within an arms distance reach from me was drowning. Lives were spiraling out of control and there was no stopping it for the next few months. Everywhere I looked, lives were falling apart. I look back now and know that God sustained us all. He gave strength when there was none to be found. He gave peace when chaos was the only option. He gave breath when we couldn't breathe on our own. He gave hope when we shouldn't have had any. He woke us up, even though we wanted to sleep through it all.

And here I am. A year later. I'm back to a little bit of calm. Despite these insecurities, I like the normalcy of my life. I like that I'm in love with my husband. I like that I have my friends all coming home for Christmas. I like that my family and I are all getting along. I like that no one I know has been touched by death in the last month. I like that Owen and I both have full time jobs. I like that my car is running (only God knows how). I like that our heater works. I like that I can call my mom on the phone whenever I want. I like that my niece and nephews are healthy and growing. I like that I have friends who love me unconditionally. I like that I live in downtown Edmonds, just a few steps away from the beach and one of my most wonderful friends. I like that on a clear day, the snow-capped mountains look like a picture I hung on my wall. I like that my Christmas tree is quickly dying by the heater and that my house smells like the woods (don't tell Owen I actually like that).

I'm not ready to let any of this go.

I don't want to feel pain, or rejection, or loss.

And yet for some reason, I know that's where I learn the most. In those times. In those places. That's where my Savior sweeps me off my feet and blows through the box I've put Him in. 

I don't want Him to do whatever it takes to get me back on my knees again.

Because I'm deathly afraid of the cost.

Right now,

the One thing I need the most,

Is my biggest fear.