Greater Things

I am currently almost as immobile as they come. My body is functionless. I can barely waddle. I can barely breathe. I can barely sleep. Heartburn is outrageous. Bladder is constantly full. Ab strength is non-existent. Back feels broken. I have pretty much one outfit that fits and that I am comfortable in. I am down to working 4 hour days and I actually don't even have a full week of work left.

I can't go any futher without saying, I have the most wonderful husband in the world. I know everyone says that about their husbands. But really. This guy.  He works his butt off all day, comes home, does laundry, cooks for me, is so patient with me, helps me put on my socks, my shoes, anything that I need. Prays for me. Encourages me. And all with such graciousness and patience. I don't know how single moms do it. I would have given up a long time ago if it weren't for my Obers. He is such a good man.

So, here we are, we are really on the homestretch. Like for reals this time. If baby boy doesn't come on his own we are inducing him either on Thanksgiving Day (the 24th) or that next Sunday (the 27th). He is almost here. Our lives are about to change. Forever. And yet, I am at a loss for words.

I understand things will be different. I won't be able to sleep for the rest of my life. I won't be able to just park and run into the grocery store for a gallon of milk. I won't be able to spontaneously go to a movie or dinner with my husband or friends. I won't be able to take a random Sunday afternoon nap. My life, as I know it, will be unrecognizable.

I've always wanted kids. Yes, always. I probably wanted them when I was like 2. And here I am, on the verge of my dream, and I'm like some numb, emotionless, weirdo. It's just way too surreal to wrap my head around. It makes no logical sense to me. I'm going to have a baby. Those words, in the same sentence, don't compute in my head as a valid, true statement. I'm going to be a mom. Yea, not that either.

People say to me all the time 'you must be so excited!!' and I follow it up with nervous laughter. How awkward of me. It's just too unreal for me to grasp excitement. What is the proper emotion when you are standing at a cliff, about to jump off into a foregin, mysterious, scary, yet beautiful place? Excitement, thrill, joy? And yet here I am and I can't bring myself to that place. I'm stuck somewhere between "when did I grow up?" to "wait, I never did. This can't be happening. This. cannot. be. happening."

5 days before I found out I was pregnant, a good friend of ours texted Owen and I saying he was praying for us and the Lord had a word for us, that "Greater things are yet to come...trust". This was 5 days before WE found out. So our friend definitely had no idea. Then, the DAY we found out, I went to prayer meeting that night and over and over we sang a song that said "Greater things are yet to come". We even moved on to a different song and our pastor got up on stage and said he felt like we needed to keep singing "Greater things are yet to come", it was as if the Lord was trying to cement into the core of my soul that yes, I could trust Him, that GREATER THINGS ARE COMING!!! That being a mom to this baby boy was going to change my life, yes, but for the greater.

We are about a week away from 'greater things'. I am on the brink of what is 'yet to come'. I can almost see it, I can almost taste it.

And I just know that in that moment when I meet my little man, HIS words will be faithful. They will ring loud and true. The numbness will be stripped away, and I will fully understand what He meant when He wanted me to know...

Greater Things.

Things I'll Miss

So we are rounding a corner in this pregnancy...they say the safe zone is 34 to 37 weeks and today marks 34! O. EM.GEE. Where did the time go and what have I been doing and how is this happening? There is no going back. There's nothing we can do but trudge forward. Everyday is one day closer. And I find myself having mild panic attacks when i REALLY stop to think about what that means.

There are still a few things to be done. His room isn't finished, but is getting there. The hospital bag has not been packed, nor have I really thought about it. Nor would I even know what to pack. So far, I've had 2 baby showers, and one more next weekend (more to come on those, but they were both WONDERFUL and I felt so loved).

Things are for sure getting harder. Like sleeping. I can barely turn from side to side. I'm a whale with no ab strength, just baby. Heart burn is awful, when it's there. I go pee like 6 times a night. No. Joke. I've been having contractions when I go in for routine monitoring. First they were 5 to 7 minutes apart. Then 2 to 4. Last time I went in they were 3 minutes apart. They don't really hurt, so it's not a big deal until they do, but still very weird!

I've pretty much complained this whole pregnancy. I will say second trimester was good to me. But first was the most miserable time of my life and third has just been kinda rough.

So, I thought it would be a challenge to write down what I think I'll miss about pregnancy...and I'm up for the challenge:)

I'll miss feeling Jace move around inside me. It is the most amazing thing. I can't explain it, but it's mine. This life that is inside my body. He sleeps, he wakes up and he moves about. My body is his habitat. It's weird and creepy, but it's really cool and beautiful. I love seeing my stomach moving all around, knowing I have a squirmy, active son in there.

I'll miss that when Jace wakes up in the middle of the night to squirm and kick, I can semi try to ignore it and at least rest if not sleep through it. It's nice having him in a contained environment for now. Once he's out and screaming at the top of his lungs, it might be harder to ignore/sleep through it. It might also be frowned upon by CPS. 

I might miss the conversation it brings. Never a dull elevator ride when people are constantly asking 'how far along are you?' 'is it a boy or girl?' etc. The need for shoving your face into your Iphone is unnecessary when you know you have something to talk about with the stranger who's right beside you.

I might miss how kind people are. Doors held open. More smiles offered. Help offered. And people seem less hesitant to tell you you are pretty when you're pregnant. Maybe because they count it as the good deed they are doing for the miserable, fat lady...but some people are pretty quick to tell you about that baby 'glow', or how small you are (in proportion to your stomach), but there are also those that tell you how huge you are. So I won't miss that. Or the ones that ask how far along you are and say 'That's all?! you look like you're gonna pop tomorrow!'...yea won't miss that one probably either.

I'll miss being able to eat and gain weight and not feel bad. Once he's out, it's game on. Back to the weight loss attempts. REALLY watching what you eat, exercising as often as you can, etc. It's nice that my weight is currently expected...and not a product of laziness/lack of self- control. 

I might miss Owen having to put my socks and shoes on for me. Just because I think it's funny. He never knows if the socks should go over my leggings or under. And it's always amusing to see him struggle to put them on me, like I'm a 3 year old who can't figure out.

So now that it's on record...there are SOME things that aren't so terrible about being pregnant. And a lot of people I know have actually LOVED being pregnant..so if you haven't been yet, don't be discouraged. I really think I may have been a special case. Really.

New Things on the Block

We got our Costco Membership right when we got back from our honeymoon, last August. In a year, we had been there TWICE, and once was a quick stop to buy a camera for a Christmas present, so I hardly count that. But, ever since we moved into the Costco neighbor, we have been there twice in two weekends and it has changed our (Owen's) life. He lights up, like we've entered Disneyland. The possibilities are endless. From the electronics section, to the free samples, and cool ladders that we HAVE to have...I'm wondering how it took us so long to become Costco fanatics. O is also VERY impressed by Costco's business model:)

Our other new thing on the block is Friday Night Lights. No, not the movie with Tim McGraw, the TV series. I was hesitant at first, but a few friends and trusted blogs told us to give it a shot. And a shot we gave. We have now finished the first season and are fans. I don't know if I'm supposed to share this, so it can be our little secret. I love falling asleep to shows, so it's helped in that department, too!

 

So I'm pretty sure my mom had the whole family plan an intervention this week. Apparently, since meat is my nemesis, I need LOTS more protein than I've been getting, or more like, the baby does. Everyone and  my mom have been giving me all sorts of new ways to introduce more protein into my diet. So, at our friendly neighborhood Costco, we picked up some protein shakes packed with 30g of protein per bottle. Now you can all rest easy.

 

Prilosec. Back in my life. My best friend during the first trimester, who I was praying I would never have to meet again, is now back for my third and final phase. The heartburn has returned with a vengeance. Between the baby using my bladder as a trampoline and this crazy heartburn, my nights have turned sleepless. Apparently, it's supposed to get me ready to be up all night with the baby. I'd prefer my last few months of peaceful sleep, thankyouverymuch. 

 

Looks like the use of  "Y" in the name Jayce might be getting vetoed. Too much confusion with the name "Jaycee" and being mistaken for a girl. To be continued...but it looks like we might be going with Jace, which is fine by me...don't wanna traumatize the kid.

 

Last, but not least...I know these are HORRIBLE pictures, but I promise these boots are super cute in real life. AND, they were only $50 for BOTH pairs. At that price, I would advise that you RUN, don't walk! Ross...who knew?! Thanks to the hubby for letting me keep two pairs of brown boots. But, really, they are totally different looks. And the heels will have to be a post-baby treat. They won't support my current waddle. But, being the lover of boots that I am...I am a happy girl indeed!

**Thank you Google for all your images**

Update

We hosted our first party at the new digs. We had a surprise 30th birthday party for my brother, with maybe 30ish people. This home felt right...filled with family and friends--upstairs, downstairs, on the deck, on the grass...I knew this home would be perfect for us! I still remember how much we went through to get this place, how many obstacles stood in the way and I remember being SO ANXIOUS about it. One night at prayer meeting I was fed up with all the anxiety over this house. I knew it was supposed to be ours but had no idea how it could work...and the Lord said "watch me provide". I knew it was Him instantly and from then on out the anxiety faded. We still went through challenge after challenge before the house was finally ours, but I knew that voice I heard and I knew that somehow He would move things around and He would provide. He did. Because this house shouldn't be ours.

I remember when I first got pregnant. The worries of not having a home for our baby. Not having a suitable car. Well, the home was provided. And yesterday, so was our new SUV! We bought an Acura MDX that is just waiting to cart Jayce around wherever his little self needs to go. My deathcar for cutie can now take a well-deserved break. High school was a long time ago. And that puppy has been faithful ever since. But all good things must come to an end.

And Jayce Michael--"Healer--who is like God"...

We went in for our follow up visit at Swedish downtown yesterday. Our last appointment ended in tears and anxiety and worry. They were afraid they saw a double collecting system on his right kidney. Now, if his left kidney was just missing and his right kidney was fine, no one was worried. Every person I've talked to in the medical field has no issue with the missing kidney, they all say people live normal, healthy lives with just one kidney all the time. Most people aren't even aware of it. If you are over the age of 20 and reading this, you might have one kidney...they didn't start testing for them until 20 years ago. So the one kidney thing wasn't the biggest deal. But this double collecting system  brought the scary words...like surgery.

And yet, for some 'unexplainable' reason, yesterdays ultrasound showed absolutely zero sign of a double collecting system...it showed a perfectly healthy, normal, right kidney. A normal, healthy, surgery-less baby are the fresh, new thoughts in my head. My mom thinks it's all those prayers. The ones from India. The ones from friends and family and friends of family. Healed without surgery. A miracle.

My life is blessed. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I get so frustrated. Sometimes I just want to scream. But I'm taking a step back today. I'm looking at the past 7 months of my life and how everything has somehow come together when it shouldn't have. And all I can say is how blessed we are. How truly, truly blessed.

Close-up of Jayce's face..he is about to put his little hand in his mouth:)

Thinking...

I'm laying here in my new bedroom doing some thinking. As my belly undulates from my energetic son, I hear the muffled sounds of my husband and father- in- law working out on our back deck. Getting used to the new sounds and smells and feels of our new home, I feel so full and yet so empty. Across the hall from me sits a baby room. beautifully painted, but furniture-less. It's tenant hasn't arrived yet, and so it naturally feels lonely. The room serves a purpose, and it's kind of ready, but it's kind of not.

I'm thinking, I'm kind of like that room. I feel like I've been painted, ready to embrace life. Equipped with how to respond in tough situations, knowing the right words and thoughts, so in some ways I'm ready. But in some ways, I'm just not.

Part of my heart is saying the Lord is always good. He could do nothing for me for the rest of my life, and He would still be good, because that's just who He is. The other part of me has a few questions I'd like to ask Him. And possibly with some sass behind my tone of voice.

I'm thinking about broken relationships. People who have pretended to be a friend, who have used me for their own gain, who have talked friendship to my face and the opposite when my back was turned. Who have blamed me for a changed friendship, but expect me to be the only pursuer in the relationship. Who use me when it's convenient for them, but forget about me when all I need is their compassion. But I'm thinking about the good ones, too. The ones who know me. Who have put effort into me and my family. Who want to see me happy with no other motive but their love for me.  The ones who will do anything they can think of to somehow make me smile, whether they get to see it or not.

I'm thinking about my life. I'm thinking about how for as long as my memory serves, I feared either not being able to have children. Or having a child with physical problems :: Cue Alanis Morrisette's "Isn't it Ironic":: I'm thinking about my visit to the doctor today. The painfully long ultrasound, where in my head over. and over. and over. I said "Jesus, speak kidney. Jesus, speak kidney. Jesus, speak kidney." I'm thinking about the possible outcomes. The bad ones. What the doctor tried to explain to me. The terminology that makes no sense to me. I'm thinking of the words surgery. For a little, tiny baby. A baby who hasn't even breathed his first breath yet. Who consumes me. All of me. My every thought. My body. A baby that is equally me as he is Owen. The same baby that had me worried about being a mom, now has me worried for entirely different reasons.

I'm thinking of the doctor with the kind smile who told me that there were positives to this appointment. The  'syndrome' has been knocked out as a possibility. Everything else looks to be going great. And the fluid in my stomach is very good, meaning the right kidney is doing something right, because my boy is peeing.

I'm thinking about my first trimester when that kidney was supposed to develop. Going through the list of all the things I ate or didn't eat. The couple weeks I stopped taking my Prenatal vitamins because they were making me vomit. The days spent laying in bed sicker than I've ever been while everyone told me 'Yea but being sick is a good thing. It means the baby is healthy.' Yet, I was sick. And his left kidney refused to form. 

I'm thinking about my wedding day. Seeing pictures of 2 very happy people with their whole lives ahead of them. I'm thinking of me a year ago. What I could have possibly been doing on a Thursday night in August.  No idea how my world would be shaking and shifting soon. 

I'm thinking about God. How he knits us together in our mother's womb. How we are told He is so close to us. And I'm thinking I've never felt Him further away. That if He was really paying attention to what He was knitting, we wouldn't be having the 1 in every 1,000 babies born without one of their kidneys. If He is in charge of these things and is 'so close to us' then what was the oversight? Why us?

I'm thinking of my husband. Who's faith hasn't seemed to be shaken. Who doesn't question "Why Us?". Who doesn't hear the negative the doctor is saying, but has the ability to abstract only the positive. I'm thinking about him and how much I love that about him. And yet, how much it bothers me. 

I'm thinking about what I would be writing if our appointment today ended with "There it is! He has 2 kidneys." How I would have cried happy tears and shouted to the masses about how good and wonderful and wise and protective and healing and providing MY GOD IS. Because He is all those things. And even though I'm having a hard time seeing it right now, I believe it. I know I do. I have to.

I'm thinking of all the people who have taken time out of their day to pray for the 3 of us. I'm thinking of silent tears offered up as prayers with no words. I'm thinking of Jesus taking those prayers, whether they be loud and bold, or little whisperings. I'm thinking of Him approaching the throne, asking on my behalf. I'm thinking of Him getting the answer "No."

And while I'm so thankful tonight for so many things.

I'm feeling so very empty.

Laying here.

Thinking.

A Name

A lot has happened since my last post, we found out we are having a BOY! He kicks me with all he's got now, and he's got a lot. We bought a HOUSE! It's everything I've pictured for our growing little family. We went down to California for our 1 year wedding anniversary! It was a wonderful time spent with such good friends.

But this week I have had a heavy heart. A series of events have led me to question things I haven't had to question in a long time and have left gaping wounds where flesh once protected me.

 I had an ultrasound this week. At my previous ultrasound they couldn't see one of his kidneys because of the way he was laying. But I wasn't worried. However, at my last visit, they couldn't see it again and as I laid on that table with just me, the ultrasound tech and a machine, I watched her write the words "Right Kidney" and "Left Kidney Area". Not "Left Kidney". She wasn't authorized to say anything, so I walked out of there and called my mom crying. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse so she is my go to expert. She said a lot of things but the things I remember were " So what if there is one? People donate kidneys all the time and live off one. If God gave him one kidney, crying about it isn't going to do you any good. He will be fine."

The next day at the doctor's office, I was told that it looks like my precious baby boy is missing his left kidney. I didn't cry when she told me. I got the lump in my throat that felt like a boulder. I got the sting in my eyes that felt like a swarm of bees had attacked. But it wasn't until I walked out into the parking lot that I felt my knees go weak, my head spin and the tears began to flow. I wanted nothing more than for this baby to be completely whole. That his life would be limitless. That his mom wouldn't worry about that kidney for the next 50 years every time he played a sport, rode his bike, got in a car. I wrestled with the Lord. Why would He do this? If He could SPEAK the world into existence, speaking a KIDNEY couldn't be so hard. If I could do it, I would stay up for the rest of my life saying the word "kidney" until my son got a second one.

It took this to really, fully make me realize how much humans are capable of loving. I know we can be vicious, selfish people. But the Lord has given us the ability to LOVE with a reckless abandonment. I have this child, who I've never even seen, never met. He's never done anything to make me love him. He's made me more sick than I've ever been in my life. He's giving me stretch marks and sleepless nights and likes to kick me. He's done nothing to deserve my love. Yet it's there. And it's FIRE. I realized without a hesitation in my thoughts, not a pause. If it was possible, even if there was nothing wrong with the one he has, but just meant a limitless life for him, I would give him one of my kidneys. Heck, I would give him the heart that pumps fresh blood through my body. This love is unlike anything I've known.

And I sit here and think about my Creator who loves me and my son even MORE than this. And I feel safe.

The night we found this out my family surrounded Owen and I and prayed for us. The power of a family that prays is beyond explanation. But I felt peace and comfort and healing. Owen read Psalm 139. And I've read it a million times since. We prayed for peace that night. We prayed and believed in faith for healing. That the Lord would defy what the pictures are showing right now. I have one more high-tech ultrasound before there is true, hard confirmation that he only has one kidney. But my God doesn't need to work on our time limits. The miracle can happen whenever He wants. It may already have. But, if He decides this baby will have one kidney, well his days have already been numbered, so even with one kidney, we have nothing to fear.

Through this process the Lord gave us a name. It had been in the talks but nothing serious. However I felt confirmation when I was blow drying my hair through tears, on Thursday. But I said nothing. 10 minutes later Owen looked at me and said "So, should we call him Jayce?" He felt confirmation at the same time that I did. Jayce- "Healer- who is like God". Jayce Michael Barton it is.

                                                                         PSALM 139

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

4th of July Weekend!

                                     

O had to paint my toenails for a wedding. I'm officially fat and can't reach them myself.

Tyler and O golfing into the water in the San Juan's

I'm drooling just looking at this

The hike that almost led to an unhappy marriage and friendships and preterm labor...

The view that made it kind of worth it...

The very tiny, cute, untrained puppy

Glorious!

We had a fun weekend starting off with a wedding on Friday night. Left for Friday Harbor and stayed with the Hanson's family right on the water! I slept in a tent for 2 nights! Owen bought an air mattress before we left because there was no way I was going without one. We hiked. I almost died. And almost killed Owen. We played with lots of dogs. Ate lots of good food and junk food. Walked around a cute little town with ice cream in hand as we passed by boats and kids and red, white, and blue splashed everywhere. Owen swam in the freezing cold water. I read People magazines. We had some great conversations. 

Came home to a BBQ at Bina and K's and topped it off with fireworks in Edmonds. We got to escape all the crazy traffic and walk there! For once in my life, I was close enough to walk to the fireworks in Edmonds, and it made me never want to leave this place. 

Was a fun weekend indeed! Sunshine, food, family, friends. Great combo.

It will be interesting to see how much of this stuff we can do next year...when it's O and me + 1 !