Satisfied

My sweet baby, Jace.

I've been thinking about some of the posts I've written and thought that if something ever happened to me and all you were left with were my words, you might deduce that I wasn't satisfied with my life. That your mom lived her life always in need, or worse, in want. Wanting to do more, see more, be more. That I never reached the heighth of what I really wanted out of this life.

So, I need to clarify to you. It's not true. Yes, your mom is a dreamer. But, you know what? You're who I've wanted all my life. And you came true. Because of this, you have given me the ability to dream for more. To want for more. Because reality is, I'm satisfied. If this is what I get in life, know that you and your dad have made me completely happy. I consider myself blessed and honored for getting to spend my days with you. Sure, I sometimes feel guilty that I went to school all my life and am not working now, but I know this season is so sweet and you won't need me forever, so I'll gladly trade in a job for these priceless moments I won't get back. My soul is calmed now that you're here. Anything more that I want is just extra.

I've mentioned before it's hard for me to be content in the present. I'm always looking to the past and to the future. Jace, I'm so content in this present with you. The second you go to bed I want to wake you right back up because I miss your smile. I am loving who you are right now and who you are becoming.

You still cry when other babies cry. I see you already have compassion for people. I dream of your future and how you will someday turn those tears into actions for those who need a defender.

Your words and animation. I see you mimicking everyone around you. You're a sponge soaking up the world. I pray that you will mimic your Heavenly Father when you're old enough to know and trust Him.

You're humor. You make me laugh all day. You have sound effects. You spin in circles. You dance. You tell me daily you're going to buy a boat...at least that's what it sounds like. You pretend to sneeze and think it's hilarious. You show your grandma how to cover her mouth when she coughs. You purse your lips together when I ask for a kiss.

You say "I lu you". 

Lately, I've been singing to you, "Someday, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight." We dance and twirl and you throw those gorgeous curls back and bat those long lashes and you laugh. But, I mean it buddy. Someday, I'll remember just this you. This sweet, innocent, beautiful you that has stolen the pitter patters of my heart. I'll remember just the way you look, and it will warm me up like the perfect, cozy blanket. The Lord has been so good to me. And buddy, I am satisfied.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely, never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight.

#YOLO #FOMO

Lately I've been caught in the tension between YOLO and FOMO (You only live once/Fear of Missing Out), and tell my sisters at least twice a week that I want to be famous. I mean if I really, truly am only going to live once, heck, I wanna leave my mark! I want people to know my name! Of course... I'm only joking. Kind of.

Being the youngest in a large family, I blame my natural birth order for this craving to be known. If I wasn't as loud or sassy as I was growing up, I'm pretty sure no one would have heard me over our loud family gatherings. I had to adjust to survive. But, this want of being heard sometimes leaves me in a place of desperation as I realize, nothing I'm doing in my life right now feels like it's worthy of attention. I have this fear. That I'm missing out on so much.

An acquaintance on Facebook packed up her life here, moved to London and is a fashion photographer in the world of European Fashion! She travels and posts pictures of a glamorous life I can only dream of! But, I don't even have to dream. I can sit here in my shirt that smells like Jace's puke, while I flip through her pictures on Instagram and ooh and ahh at a life that looks nothing like mine. Once upon a time, I called London home for a few months and envisioned glamour in my future. Now, I live in Edmonds, Washington, change diapers multiple times a day, 7 days a week, sweep (and sometimes don't) the piles of food that Jace throws from his high chair to the floor, and sometimes get to shower if I'm super lucky and plan ahead.

With all the technology around, I'm constantly reminded about the countless, talented people out there. Even my own friends are crazy talented and crafty and cute. Me. I got nothing to offer in the way of creativity or glamour. It scares me. To have nothing to offer, leave behind or be known for. At least when I was in college or even working full time I felt I knew how to make my presence count. But, now, I don't know where in this world I matter.

I feel like I'm constantly going back to this lesson of comparison. When will I learn, I'll never really have it right. The glamour and the talents, are not really a part of my genetic makeup. This comparing leads to insecurity and insecurity leads to fear and fear leads to a dead end. It's paralyzing and debilitating. Insecurity leads me to no action.

All this to get to this. My non- sensical, egotistical brain knows it wants something more, but doesn't know what and is probably too insecure to get there. And then in my bible study I read Lisa Harper's words 'God clarifies that He has already fulfilled the deepest desire of every human heart to be fully known, completely accepted, and unconditionally adored.'

::turntable scratches, heads turn:: Say Whaaaaattttt? He has already fulfilled these things for me? If I believe this to be true (and somewhere in my head and my heart I DO) then what is this obsession with wanting these things from the world? What can people offer me that will ever feel like whole and complete acceptance and adoration? The answer is nothing. There is nothing that anyone on this earth can do or say that will ever perfectly satisfy any part of my heart or make me feel completely secure.

So, that leaves me here.  Lisa Christina Barton. Mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I can be plain old me without having to throw the best parties or have a pottery barn-esque house, or have the best ideas for process improvements in the workplace, and yet I can still be unconditionally adored by the Creator of the Universe.

If we all really walked in the security of being fully known, completely accepted and unconditonally adored, I think that assurance would be a game changer.

And those of us who really got this concept would be world changers.

Not the kind that are on movie screens, but the kind that shake up the nations. The kind that open up spaces on earth to fit in pieces of heaven.

If I only get one chance at this life, this is what I want. I don't want to miss out on anything because of my insecurities. I want to move boldy in the direction of world changer because of an unwavering confidence in who He says I am. Not for the tabloids, but for a kingdom that has no end.

Time, Space, and Friends

Tonight I'm thinking about my friends.

I'm thinking back to Middle School when the thought of moving on to a new High School with new people was so unbearable I could hardly breathe. I really thought in my 14 year old mind that my 14 year old friends would be my best friends forever. If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what ANY of those 14 year old bff's were doing right now.

Then came high school. I love my high school friends still. But I remember a time where we were inseperable. Where we would spend 6 hours a day with each other at school, hang out after school, then go home and talk on the phone for 2 hours, only to see each other the very next morning. How we did that, I'm not quite sure. But, I never imagined there would come a time in our lives where we had to schedule hanging out with each other 6 months in advance.

Then there were my college friends. We lived together. We studied together. We spent every waking and sleeping moment together. We loved and fought as if we grew up in the same household with the same parents vying for the same affections. Love it was. Love it is. And yet, we all get together maybe twice a year now because of this chasm called life. I would've never imagined that it would come to this. I thought they were my forever. And they are...they are my forever that gets together twice a year.

Then came real life. My adult life. No more confines of school helping me choose my friends. It's the real deal world. Where I met a boy, we made friends together, we got married, we had a baby and those friends were suddenly our friends for life. When you make friends in the adult realm, well, you really do think that's it. You have your roots planted and your foundation isn't marked off by 4 year increments ending in a cap and gown. The friendships I have right now are different because they don't just involve someone loving me (which is so easy;) ), it involves people loving us. Choosing to love and invest in not just me, but Owen and Jace as well. It's a vulnerable place to be.

So, let me brag about my friends. They are the kind that leave flowers on my doorstep when I've had a bad day. The kind that watch my baby when my husband is out of town so I can get out of the house. The kind that believe in my abilities more than I ever could. The kind that use their talents to bless me. The kind that take me out for spa days.  The kind that pray for me when I don't feel like praying. The kind that make me laugh so hard that I think I might die.  The kind I see in my future, dancing at Jace's wedding with me and remembering the day he was born like it was yesterday. The kind that have melted the lines of friendship into a puddle of family.

But as the patterns have gone to show, just when I'm comfortable with the way things are, friendships change.  Even when they are in your forever. We get a special time and place where we're all heading in the same direction, but eventually, someone's gonna have to make a turn.

So tonight, I'm thankful for all the real friendships I've had, all the way back to 14 year old me. In each phase of life I loved hard enough to never want to see them go.

Yet, God always provided me a new friend walking at the same time, in the same direction, on the same road I was travelling on.

Because of this,

The journey has been simply beautiful.

Losing Weight

So I jumped on the bandwagon of New Year's Resolutions this year and have been trying to lose weight. I am more dedicated to this than I have ever been. I'm in my 3rd week of doing Insanity 6 days a week...and Insanity lives up to it's name. It's. In.Sane. I've also been eating healthier and counting my calories on an app called "My Fitness Pal". I've been doing all this with a group of girls who have similar goals, which has helped me stay motivated.

But, today's weigh in left me in tears as I sputtered to Owen that the scale said I GAINED 2 pounds. GAINED?! I've been working my tail off to get this body in gear and I have nothing to show for it? Owen reassured me that he sees a difference and can feel a difference in the muscle I'm gaining, while my sister in law and cousin and Google assured me that being on my period has caused me to retain water and to never weigh myself when I'm on my period. Again.

Lesson learned.

But, as the day went on I went through waves of panic and discouragement thinking "why should I change my behaviors if they aren't changing me".

And then it dawned on me. I'm not the same girl who once played 3 different sports growing up and drank whole milk for breakfast because my metabolism was so crazy that I stayed skinny no matter what I ate. I'm not the same girl who walked the streets of Cancun with her best friends wearing a bathing suit that I wouldn't even wear now, if I was locked in my bathroom at home by myself.

I'm a different me now. As I look down at my stretch marks I see them as my badge of motherhood. I may as well get a tat across my stomach that says "Jace lived here." Because he did. My body was the home of another human being. 9 months of life were spent growing a person. That's not easy. It's a miracle. Our bodies can do amazing things without even asking us. And my body did.

Sure, I miss the way I used to look. Miss the way clothes used to look on me. But, pictures of me with a baby on my hip are far more beautiful than pictures of me during a Cancun summer vacation.

I'm proud of this body I so easily criticize. I'm proud of those stretch marks that are evidence of my skin expanding to make room for Jace's little body. I'm proud of those abs that got lost somewhere while I felt him take jabs and kick and hiccup inside of me. I'm proud of the strength it took to walk around with a 7 lb baby taking up all the room in my body 24 hours a day. I'm proud of the way I was able to find a way to push him out in 20 minutes. I'm proud that I got to be the one to provide him his first meal, from my OWN body.

It's amazing. My body. It's truly amazing.

Chin held high, I will keep going. I am choosing to make better choices for a healthier me. And if the scale doesn't show it, I can still feel it. I know I feel different.

So here's to not being so hard on myself and wearing my mommy badge proud.

And thanking God for a healthy body that was able to bring a beautiful life into the world.

So for now, I'll just keep trying.

Until I get pregnant again. And then, we'll start all over.

:)

Mary Didn't Know

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born,

   to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon[d] his shoulder,

   and his name shall be called[e]

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and of peace

   there will be no end,

on the throne of David and over his kingdom,

   to establish it and to uphold it

with justice and with righteousness

   from this time forth and forevermore.

I've been thinking about the Christmas Story from a different perspective this year. As I hold my Jace and study his eyelashes and how soft his skin is and how his breath smells like candy, I think, Mary must have done the same things with her baby boy. He may have been the one to save the world, but to Mary, He was her little baby boy who cooed at her and melted her heart with his giggles. She knew every line on his body and would give her life for Him. But, she didn't know. Her baby would someday give His life for her.

Mary's life could have been a hit reality show had she been alive 2000 years later. A teen mom, unwed. Riding a DONKEY while pregnant. Only to escape her home because the President was on a baby boy killing spree. Giving birth in a barn. Surrounded by the smells of cow manure.

Could this have been what she imagined when an angel told her she would give birth to the Son of God and He would reign? A life beginning in a barn? Should royalty switch out cashmere sheets for strands of hay?

When she sang that her soul magnifies the Lord, did her song ring in her ears 33 years later as she watched them torture her son. Were the pictures of what she imagined for His kingdom shattered as they crushed thorns into his head?

Did she still believe her own words "for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name"?

Did she wonder what kind of nightmare she was living in? Did she second guess if an angel really told her all these things? Did she doubt the goodness of God? Was she still able to say He had done great things for her as her son hung on that cross?

Or as 3 days painfully passed by, did she replay everything in her head from the time she knew of His existence to the time of his death.  Did she daydream of her baby with that perfect face smothered in her kisses? "How can His Kingdom reign forever now?" did she wonder? Did she feel absolutely betrayed, alone, scared, unsure of her whole life?

But God's promise came through. Not how Mary expected it would. But, He came through. No one would have written the story of a king this way. It's too scandalous. It doesn't fit with our worldly idea of royalty. Kings don't sweat blood as they sit on death row.

And yet.

He did it. He did it in the most unconventional way. He loved us more than He loved himself. He gave it all He had. He saved the world. And His kingdom shall have no end.

His plans are always bigger than ours. God's plan for Mary's son was bigger than Mary's plans for her son.

And 3 days later I bet she was singing her song again.

My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord
My soul magnifies the Lord
He has done great things for me
Great things for me

Of His government there will be no end
He'll establish it with His righteousness
And He shall reign on David's throne
And His name shall be from this day on

Wonderful, Counselor,
His name shall be Everlasting Father

-Chris Tomlin

12.14.12--Sandy Hook

I woke up this morning to a very quiet house all on my own accord. Jace spent the night with his grandparents so I'm sitting in his empty room. Grieving for all the people who are sitting in empty rooms right now, surrounded by fresh signs of an innocent child, who won't be picked up from grandma's today. Who will never come home again.

As news flooded in yesterday morning of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, I watched as evil stole from all of us.

Helpless. Restless. Desperate. Agony. Grief. Questions. Tears.

I held Jace in my arms and thanked the Lord for him. I danced with him while tears stained my face and laughs left his innocent breath. I gave him one too many cookies. I hugged him way too tight and kissed him til my lips hurt.

I ached in my stomach. In my body. Time passed when the oxygen escaped me and took a few moments to come back.

I thought of Santa pictures that were never taken, or are the last picture ever taken. I thought of Christmas presents that will sit unwrapped  forever . That will gain dust as their friends graduate, get married, have kids of their own. I thought of moms and dads.Grandmas and Grandpas. Aunts and Uncles. The relief in hearing your child was waiting for you to pick them up. The violent ripping of your soul into pieces as you hear your child won't be going home with you today. I thought of these little babies. Who were learning to color in between lines. Read Cat in the Hat. Play freeze tag. Warm little tiny, bodies. Tiny hands.  Innocent eyes. Living in a world where kisses made owies better. Left to die. Without their mommies to hold them.

I thought of the kids who made it. Who will never be the same. Who had most likely never seen a horror movie in their few years, and yet saw the most horrific human tragedy that could possibly be witnessed. The purity of their hearts tainted with absolute horror.

I thought of the adults who were killed. Who's children are missing a parent this morning. Spouses missing love. Parents missing children.

I'm thinking of a sad world this morning. How in 24 hours we've all changed. Shattered. Wrecked. Gaping holes in the fabric of who we are. Thankful for what's left of all of us.

12.14.12. Jesus. This day broke your heart before it even existed to us. You are a good God who came here to earth as a human and you are crying with us. You are near to those families who are tortured right now. And you will give them peace. You will give them comfort. You will be their daddy. You will hold them even if they are struggling and want to run away from you. You will collect all their holy tears.  You will supply. You will raise up. You will heal. You will bring justice. You will defend. You will fight.  You alone are lion and you are lamb. You are holding all these precious children, whether with you or still with us, safe and protected in your gentle, firm, strong grip. I pray these things in faith. Knowing and Trusting you are Good. Your Good trumps evil and sickness. We know the end. Your Goodness Wins in the End. So, we walk forward. Confident in who you say you are. Waiting for that day, when we actually can see that everything wrong has been made right by you and you alone.

Psalm 29:

⁹ God’s thunder sets the oak trees dancing
A wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches.
We fall to our knees—we call out, “Glory!”

¹⁰ Above the floodwaters is God’s throne
    from which his power flows,
    from which he rules the world.

¹¹ God makes his people strong.
God gives his people peace.

Thank you Jesus for these beautiful babies you have given us for another day. 

Keeping Secrets

Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

In one of my church small groups this quarter, we talked about "keeping secrets" from God. I thought this was an absurd concept. How can I keep a secret from God if He knows everything about me--more than I know about myself!?

But then it started to make a little sense to me. I started to see how there are parts of my heart that I would rather not say out loud. That I don't want to share with God in case He sees how happy I am and decides to take it away. Or sees how scared I am of something so makes me face it. I have all these things that are buried like a treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean, filled with glamorous dreams and hopeless fears. Locked tight away for my own safe keeping so that I can protect them. Somewhere in me, I don't believe He will.

As much as I hate to admit it, a part of me believes in 'jinxing' myself. If I say it, then I'll ruin it. It's been a challenge for me to enjoy the enjoyable moments in life because of a paralyzing fear of the unknown future. But, I know that a bigger part of me believes in a God who is good and who is for me and who will defend me and most importantly who loves ME. Yes, this Gospel thing isn't just for everyone else, it's apparently for me, too. And He delights in my joy. He isn't sitting on a cloud somewhere waiting to strike me down. He wants to dance with me. 

I've seen a lot of pain in my life. I had awful friendships early in my school years, making me insecure in many of my relationships for most of my life. I've had friends betray me and abandon me. I've had my heart broken too many times. At the ripe old age of 27, I've seen about 13 friends or acquaintances under the age of 30 die-- ranging from a motorcycle accident on the way home from a bible study to overdosing on drugs. I've experienced the ripping of someone from your life with no going back. During my pregnancy, though much worse things could have happened, I agonized over the thought that my baby wasn't whole. That he was missing an organ that every other baby seemed to have. That this would be his life. It wrecked me. I've seen families ruined. I've seen friends experience outrageous emotional wounds. I've seen powerful people misuse that power.  I've chosen to see the world through pessimistic eyes most of my life.

So it scares me when life is wonderful. When my husband is my best friend and we get to live in the same house together and raise the same amazing baby together. When that amazing baby fills my heart with so much joy I don't know what to do with all the overflow and just want to drench it on everyone I see. When those cries of losing friends or being abandoned by them are answered with new, amazing friendships that make me feel secure and puts fun and wholeness and relationship back into my life. When the house that took a miracle to be ours isn't taken for granted and I remember how blessed I am to have it. When the Christmas Tree is up and the lights are twinkling and the smells of holidays linger. When we prepare to host parties this season as it fills with family and friends, just what this house was made for.

I feel like I'm in a period of fulfillment right now. Like I'm sitting in a moment of answered prayers and joy. And yet, I've been afraid if I claim it, it will all be taken away. So it's best I bury my joy in a cave. And keep it as a secret of my own.

Today I don't feel like taking the time to dig the hole that contains all that I delight in. I want to let it boil over the surface and flood my world. I want people to see it and  know that it's from a good God who is with us on the mountaintops and in the valleys. I want to acknowledge the goodness in my life so that when trouble does come, I will remember that this life is so worth living. And I want to be okay with living in happiness. I don't want to feel guilty or scared of these moments. But I want to embrace them because they are treasures meant for sharing, not burying.

My heart is in a season of inexpressible gratitude.

And this time, I'm choosing to dance with Him. As long as He takes the lead.