Monday, May 23, 2011

Mother's Day

I'm way behind here. I hardly remember Mother's Day this year, but it was my 'first'...technically, or untechnically? I did NOT stand up at church when they made mother's stand up, so maybe that's what will qualify me. I was however, showered by my wonderful husband on this day. A day where I was newly 11 weeks pregnant. A mother's day where I didn't know the gender of my baby. My baby's face, or smell were still only dreams to me. My baby's name has probably not even been thought up yet.  Next mother's day I will have a 5 or 6 month old bundle of joy in my arms and this life I live now will be nothing more than a distant memory. So here's what I woke up to on Mother's Day 2011:



Homemade YUMMY smoothie


Homemade Waffles


Flowers with the sweetest card



Now, just to brag a little, this is not only a mother's day occasion. This is a weekend event for me. Owen has shown me in the past 10 months of marriage that he is honestly, the kindest, most selfless, thoughtful human I have ever met in my whole life. And not just to me. I see how he is with his friends, with my friends, with my family. God could not have blessed me with a better man to be the father of my children. I am overwhelmed by him.

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's Beautiful

I thought pregnant mom's are given 9 months before their social lives become non-existent. My best friends these days are my bed and my bathroom floor. They know everything about me. How it's possible to lay down for a nap and wake up 13.5 hours later. How my husband has been on the run for every kind of popsicle and ice cream in Washington State. How a 26 year old can still cry in the middle of the night for her 'mommy'. The many conversations I've replayed over and over for the day I ever get to meet Eve face to face. What was she thinking?!

I've seen my big plans of going to India on a missions trip with my husband this summer, torn to shreds. Suddenly, our beautiful condo in downtown Edmonds seems too small. The thought that the rest of our lives will never be the same again is terrifying.  There have been fears of losing the friends we have, because do people really wanna hang out with a baby all the time? Not to mention how many times I've heard, and am sick of "Wow, you guys sure didn't waste any time"...as if I'm not aware of how long, or how NOT long, we've been married.

So, so far I have seen the bad and the ugly of pregnancy. But, I've also seen the magic. 

The look on Owen's face when he saw the baby's heart beating for the first time. A look I'll never forget. One proud papa. While my mom said over and over "God's little creation. His little miracle"
 
I've heard Owen tell some of his 25 + year old buddies on the phone that we're pregnant. To hear grown men shouting praises and approvals and their congratulations and amazement over this life that is ours, has brought so much joy to my heart. I am overwhelmed by how proud I am of the friends he has picked to be in our lives.

And my girls, to see the happy tears that have been shed over this life, the promises of help whenever it's needed and the excitement to start this journey with us, as if this child is their own. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for the friends and family that God has blessed me with. They say it takes a village...I'd say this baby is being born into a beautiful village, ready to nurture and love this child and possibly take him or her on a few hikes ( no rock climbing).

I wrote this two days after we found out we were pregnant and I have had to go back to it a million times...

" It's been 2 days since my world changed. I think today is officially the day that I realized I want you more than anything I've ever wanted. The past 2 days I've wondered if God made some kind of mistake. If He meant to give you to someone else. Surely not us. Us with our plans of travelling the world. Or doing missions. Going on vacations. He surely made some sort of cosmic error in thinking we know how to raise a child. But your aunty Bina said something to me today that made those feeling of inadequacy go away--she reminded me that I have waited for this my whole life--that you are my destiny. She also said to me:

'Don’t forget, one of the biggest things you can do is love and raise a child up in the Lord.  The impact of that is unfathomable.  That child goes out and influences this world and huge things happen in that legacy.  This IS your ministry.
' "

So with that, it is my highest honor in life to say that this child has been given to us by a gracious God who is trusting us with this life. That it is now our responsibility to raise this child up to know, serve, and love Him and His people.

This little life has already changed mine.  I've wanted a child for as far back as my memory goes.

It's a scary thing to watch your dreams come to life.

It's terrifying and breathtaking and unsettling.

It's beautiful
 

Saturday, March 26, 2011

One day at a Time








I had a photograph inside my mind of all I'd do.
But then,  my point of view changed the day that I met you.
There are dreams that we will grow 
and there are dreams that we let go
the only dream that I can't lose is you.

I'll be the biggest fan of any plan you call your own.
I see a willow tree, a family, a happy home.
There are dreams that we will grow 
and there are dreams that we let go.
The only dream that I can't lose is you.

As the seasons change, 
I'll walk with you down every road.
And you can count on me, you know you'll never be alone.
There are dreams that we will grow
and there are dreams that we let go.
The only dream that I can't lose, the only dream I can't bear to lose, the only dream that I can't lose is you.

-Tyrone Wells and Elina

My cousin, Nisha, sent me this song, by Tyrone Wells and his wife Elina. I'm trying to learn what dreams God wants me to let go, and which ones He wants me to grow. It's a painful process, letting dreams die. Everything I've created in my mind for myself has to be torn down. Even the ones with good intentions and pure motives behind them. You watch them crumble to the ground and suddenly nothing makes much sense anymore. It's like that moment when you let go of a balloon, into open sky. You can still see it. But no matter how high you try to jump, you know it will soon be gone forever. I feel like that. Like I can still see some dreams, but they are no longer within reach.

But it's a beautiful process watching other dreams grow. The one's I know I can't lose. The dreams where God made the blueprints and is trusting me to build.

My dreams are in sure danger of collapsing if they aren't built on His.

So I'm choosing His.

One day at a time.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

(Thank you Google for your image)



I had a dream 2 nights ago. There was a world-wide earthquake. The ground beneath all of us was shaking. It felt like we were falling off the planet. Like it was no longer our stability. And my friend and I prayed.


I woke up to find that Japan had been hit with an 8.9 earthquake. And as the events unfolded throughout the day I just kept thinking how crazy it all was.Wondering how truly chaotic it must be to be over there. How the country was literally shaken to the core.


I then read a Facebook post by a friend that said 'Japan is one of my favorite places I have ever traveled, with the nicest people in the world! So sad to see all the devastation there.'


Suddenly, it went from thinking of this country as a whole being devastated, but I saw individual faces. God sees individual faces. Not the country of Japan in shambles, but each individual life. Each individual need.


And then I broke.


I hate thinking of people as groups. It makes the world so much more beautiful when you see individual people. With individual hurts, and problems, and lives lost, and love lost. We are just people. Poor or rich. We all have hurts. And loves. And fears. We are individuals. And compassion comes stronger for individuals, rather than groups.


Thank God that He sees me as an individual person. Not just an American. Not just a girl. Just an Indian. Just a Washington resident. A Husky alum. A sister. A daugher. A wife. A friend.


His compassion exceeds the box that human nature puts us in.


Praising Him today for seeing hearts and not crowds.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A Price was Paid

(Thank you Google for your image)

Pull up a chair. Butter your popcorn. And watch. Watch while men get out their tool belts. The nails. The hammers. Watch as they use those tools to fasten His flesh to a piece of wood. He can't hardly breathe. He is tired. He is humiliated. He is scared. He hurts.

And you're just sitting there. Watching him. Like it's a baseball game. Like you're at a movie theater.

I've been so bothered and convicted by the way I view Jesus. The way the American church views Jesus. Acting as if  we were called to this life as spectators. To watch. To not be transformed. But to conform. As if the price was cheap. As if it costed nothing.

Grace. Justice. Forgiveness. It was all very expensive. And we get the "all-expense paid" gift.

Yet, we live our lives as if we can go on doing whatever we want. Feeding our own desires. Living our lives with no sacrifice on our part. Hoping to get the best of both worlds.

When Jesus came, He came from heaven. He left a place where there are no tears, no ridicule, no wars. And He stepped into that very thing.

It would be like a super rich man, living the high life in a deluxe apartment in the sky. Driving a Rolls Royce. Wearing a Rolex. And deciding to give it all up to trade places with the bum sleeping in a sleeping bag on the sidewalk. Only the analogy falls apart. Because the sacrifice was so much greater.

 I read the website of a nearby church the other day. On the website it explains their sunday service,

"There is a live band that will lead us in 3 songs (you can either sing along or just listen to the music) Someone will pray and say "hi" A pastor will give a message that is relevant to your life  ...and the whole thing will be over in about 70 minutes".

It's like a fast-food dinner...but, church. Fast- church. We don't want to take up your time. And you are offered the opportunity to be a spectator. To sit in your seat and watch, instead of entering into His presence on holy, sacred ground.

( Side note: I know the Lord can work in any situation, and maybe this is a marketing tactic to get people who would otherwise not come to church, come, and have their lives changed.)

But, it seems like we are saying to the world that everything should fit around your schedule and your lifestyle, and be of NO COST to you.

He paid a high price for your life.

He was born in a barn.

His bff denied even KNOWING who He was. He felt the weight of rejection.

He pleaded with God to not have to go through with this.

He was terrified.

He was cursed.

And beaten.

He was murdered.

But, He asked that we would be forgiven anyways.

The cost was not cheap. The cost was a perfect life.

We have been called to 'no longer be conformed by this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our mind'. And yet we are conforming. Placing our importance on staying cool instead of allowing Him to change us.

We are finding it acceptable to come as we are, but to then just stay as we are.

Romans 12:1-2 in the Message says it very clear

"1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."


It's one thing to read a blog about someone's life and to know what they are up to and to never have met them. It's quite another to talk to that person. To have a relationship with that person. To not just sit back and observe what their life is like. But to actually be a part of it.

I'm tired of us treating Jesus like a blog we're following. Knowing the stories that have been told, but not taking the time to get to know Him.

The importance is not on the knowledge of His existence, but on the relationship with Him. A relationship that orders change. To be more like Him, and less like you.

We need to stop taking lightly the freedom we've been given,

we couldn't have afforded this freedom on our own, had we tried.

It's time to start living,

like a high price was paid.

Because it was.

A very high price was paid on Calvary,  

while we sat back and watched.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Words Fail Us

(Thanks you Google for your image)



A lot has happened since my last post. I keep thinking about blogging about these things, or writing them down in a journal, and the second my mind goes there, I realize I have no words. I have thoughts all jumbled up in my head but no words. I have pictures, but still silence.

Sometimes words fail us. There just isn't enough in a word to describe an emotion, a picture, a feeling, a realization, an affirmation.

There are 32 ways to say "I love you" in an Eskimo dialect. And yet, 32 ways is still not enough to explain some things.

"Joy". Does the word "joy" truly explain the way a mother feels when the human life she carried around in her body for 9 months is now in her arms, crying, looking in her eyes, 10 fingers and 10 toes all perfectly perfect. It just seems that she would run out of words trying to explain what that miracle really means to her. That a life depends on her for survival. That she will feed, and clothe and love this human being that she has been a part of creating. Words would limit such a revelation.

"Sad". Is that the word we use when we realize that we will never see a loved one on this earth again. That their laugh, their smile, their deep conversations that fade into the night sky will never be had again. You'll never climb a mountain again. Or have a picnic lunch outside a cathedral in India. "Sad" hardly does justice to the feeling of your heart being violently ripped out of your chest and the breath literally taken from your lungs.

So in the same way, I feel limited by the words I have to explain the presence of God. When you are standing on Holy Ground, knowing He is there. When it feels like you are literally in Heaven. That it isn't some place high above the clouds, but it is the place of which you are standing. It's a world that is right up against you, all you have to do is reach your hand out. 

When saying 'thank you' over and over and over again seems too small of an action. When each tear represents a different wound healed, a different chain broken, a different praise spoken. When falling to your knees and raising your hands in total abandonment are just small gestures of trying to explain to the Holy King that He is worthy of your whole existence.

The feeling that He doesn't find you too small to show up and tell you that His heart BURSTS for you. That He longs for you to be with Him. Even after every human error, after every selfish mistake, He still WANTS you.

That He has never had the DESIRE to walk away. That He has stayed. And that He hasn't left us alone, but has given us the same power that was able to break the hold of death. That He finds us precious enough to hold that kind of responsibility for Him, despite who we are, and what we've done, and where we've come from. That He has found us in need of redemption, and so has delivered.

I have hesitated to attempt to put any of this in writing.


Because sometimes,


Words fail us.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Our little Princess turns 4!!



Her first birthday was the size of a small wedding. A hall was rented, food was catered, decorations galore, and even a DJ. Her 4th was slightly smaller, probably about 30 of us, but was still so fun!

I would use my own words. But my cousin, Nisha, described the day perfectly.

"Shifa's party. She was dressed as an indian princess. Enosh was a handsome little worm. All the boys massaged each other. Lisa put a balloon under her dress and it popped. Everyone fed shifa cake. I had pizza for the first time in a long time and I think I am hooked. Akhil didn't give her a present so she skipped him in the circle of hugs, then returned after being prompted and hugged him without using her arms. A photo of katie's foot was taken. heard Enosh cry for the first time. Akhil and Caleb have similar hair. Caleb ate shifa's bindi."

So there it is, Shif. If you ever wonder about your 4th birthday party...Nisha Aunty covered all the important bases!


Shifa's posse

Shifa's aunties
Shifa's cousins
ummm...
All fun and games til Caleb eats the bindi off your forehead!

Favorite aunty 

"Indian tradition"..where everyone at the party has to feed the birthday girl
...EVERYONE. Yes. I have about 30 pictures of people feeding her
hula hoop competition
Uncle Joey the engineer builds a train
The Marvelous'
Before
After 
Shifa and her daddy

Me and the sweetest man on earth!
Sports intermission--I blame the guy holding the laptop
Happy Birthday, precious girl! Hope you had as much fun as we did!