Sick Days

Sick days are no longer what they once were. For some reason, misery loves company, and when I'm sick, Jace is as well. Of course, nothing has compared to the first time I was a sick mother. But, this is still torture.

It used to be, when I was sick, my dad would get me whatever I wanted to eat (usually McDonald's, Cream of Wheat or pancakes). I would watch chick flicks all day. Nap at my own leisure. Take a long, warm bath. Do. Nothing.

Things are a bit different now. I resort to finding whatever is in the freezer because I feel too awful to leave the house for myself. I've traded chick flicks for "Go, Diego,Go". And my long, warm bath is a quick rinse off because Jace is throwing toilet paper rolls into my shower.

It's bad enough I have to fend for my own survival, but Jace has to be sick, too? He can't just be normal, independent Jace. He has to be miserable, if I'm awake I need to be held, give me Tylenol every 4 hours or else my temperature will blow up the thermometer, Jace.

I miss the sick days where it was all about me.

But, there's a twisted part of me that loves this Jace, who reminds me he still needs his mama.

Then there's the part of me that still needs mine.

I mean. I am 18 years old in my head. And I would've been the perfect candidate for Teen Mom.

But that's neither here nor there. The beast is asleep. I'm going to take a nap now.

Just an Hour

I had a plan today. After work I was going to pick up Jace from my parents, come home, workout,  and clean our house (that currently resembles an unorganized rummage sale). But, when I walked through the door, I felt like the Lord wanted me to unplug and take the next full hour before Jace's bedtime routine, to get on my knees and give my undivided attention... to Jace. To be there to give affirming smiles, hugs and kisses whenever he wanted, to play ball, Legos, read books, whatever he wanted. So, as hard as it was to leave the house in shambles and stray from my workout plan, I knew I needed to be on the floor with my buddy. Because somewhere, not far from us, were at least 4 little kids who needed the love of a mama to just sit on the floor with them and love them, if even for just an hour.

I got a text from my friend today saying 'I just watched a mother push her 1 year old down, grab him by the arm and throw him into the car then start hitting him in the face. I might puke. I called 9-1-1.' For the rest of my shift at work, I thought about my little one year old. I couldn't even fathom it. Could not. With his little hands and feet and his innocent laugh (the best sound in the ENTIRE world), and how much he doesn't know. How much he depends on me and trusts me and needs me. How could someone ever dare misuse that privilege and abuse the defenseless? My heart felt like there was a gash in it as I grieved for a little boy whose mother does not know a treasure when she sees it. I wanted to know that little boy. To open my door and give him at least an hour of my undivided attention. To be on my hands and knees so he could look me in the eyes and feel safe and loved. To feel like the very precious treasure he is.

I then got off work to hear that a friend of a friend had passed away. A young mom with 3 kids--the oldest 8, the youngest 3. Breast cancer soon spread to brain cancer and was slowly taking her life as her 3 babies watched. A couple weeks ago, she said her goodbyes to her children because it was just too hard on all of them to interact with her looking so frail and being so weak. Their aunt took them as this mama's life slipped away, knowing she would not watch her babies grow up. Would not get to watch their sporting events, cook them dinner, tuck them in at night. Would miss out on  high school, driver's ed, proms, college, weddings. Her 3 year old will have only faint memories of having a mother and her 8 year old will remember her for the rest of her life--and this day, this day that she was told her mother was now in heaven. 3 children who would do anything for their mama to be here, healthy, playing on the floor with them, hugging them whenever they wanted, stacking Legos. The last thing the mom told my friend was 'thank you so much for everything and please let my kids know that I love them very much'. A mama who probably wished for one more hour with them as well.

Today, the pain of this world rubbed shoulders with my world. My heart got a glimpse and it aches. But, it also reminded me that these moments, these hours, are not to be taken for granted.  I needed to do my part today. For the little boy whose mom forgot to cherish him and for the mom who cherished her kids until her dying breath. We are all given choices. My choice today was to stick to my plan, or to break the rules, get a little wild, and love like crazy, if even just for an hour.

My house is still a disaster, but today I chose to love my boy like crazy.

Hot Chocolate 5K

So, one day, I was innocently minding my own business when my email pinged me with a new message that read "Hot Chocolate 5K Registration Confirmation". I was confused, and had every right to be, because I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR ANY 5K. Turned out, Melissa, took it upon herself to sign me up without my knowledge. While part of me wanted to beat her up, the other part of me was relieved because I don't think I would have ever signed up on my own.

I know 3 miles isn't that big of a deal, with everyone doing marathons, triathlons  and Ironman these days, but for me 3 miles is a BIG DEAL. Even back in my athletic prime, I was always a sprinter. Short distances I owned. Long distances owned me. Like, they had the ability to take my life.

So, until about a month ago, I had never run probably more than a mile without stopping, in my entire life. And now all of a sudden, my lungs and legs worked up the ability to keep pushing through. It's been such an awesome challenge for me, physically yes, but mostly mentally. The first time I ran 3 miles, I had to picture myself in labor and tell myself, if my body had no choice but to survive THAT, I could surely run 3 miles.

So, on to race day. Last night was a torrential downpour and I saw no sign of escaping it by morning. This morning we woke up to blue skies and a beautiful, sunny Seattle. 6:45 was early, but so worth it. The route through Seattle was absolutely beautiful as we got snapshots of the sun reflecting off the water and as a backdrop to the Great Wheel. We also got to run through a tunnel that had been closed down just for us! It was such an awesome experience. I'm so proud of my girls and had so much fun getting to do something like this with them. This definitely won't be the last time!

And I guess I can find it in my heart to forgive Melissa:)

Satisfied

My sweet baby, Jace.

I've been thinking about some of the posts I've written and thought that if something ever happened to me and all you were left with were my words, you might deduce that I wasn't satisfied with my life. That your mom lived her life always in need, or worse, in want. Wanting to do more, see more, be more. That I never reached the heighth of what I really wanted out of this life.

So, I need to clarify to you. It's not true. Yes, your mom is a dreamer. But, you know what? You're who I've wanted all my life. And you came true. Because of this, you have given me the ability to dream for more. To want for more. Because reality is, I'm satisfied. If this is what I get in life, know that you and your dad have made me completely happy. I consider myself blessed and honored for getting to spend my days with you. Sure, I sometimes feel guilty that I went to school all my life and am not working now, but I know this season is so sweet and you won't need me forever, so I'll gladly trade in a job for these priceless moments I won't get back. My soul is calmed now that you're here. Anything more that I want is just extra.

I've mentioned before it's hard for me to be content in the present. I'm always looking to the past and to the future. Jace, I'm so content in this present with you. The second you go to bed I want to wake you right back up because I miss your smile. I am loving who you are right now and who you are becoming.

You still cry when other babies cry. I see you already have compassion for people. I dream of your future and how you will someday turn those tears into actions for those who need a defender.

Your words and animation. I see you mimicking everyone around you. You're a sponge soaking up the world. I pray that you will mimic your Heavenly Father when you're old enough to know and trust Him.

You're humor. You make me laugh all day. You have sound effects. You spin in circles. You dance. You tell me daily you're going to buy a boat...at least that's what it sounds like. You pretend to sneeze and think it's hilarious. You show your grandma how to cover her mouth when she coughs. You purse your lips together when I ask for a kiss.

You say "I lu you". 

Lately, I've been singing to you, "Someday, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight." We dance and twirl and you throw those gorgeous curls back and bat those long lashes and you laugh. But, I mean it buddy. Someday, I'll remember just this you. This sweet, innocent, beautiful you that has stolen the pitter patters of my heart. I'll remember just the way you look, and it will warm me up like the perfect, cozy blanket. The Lord has been so good to me. And buddy, I am satisfied.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely, never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight.

#YOLO #FOMO

Lately I've been caught in the tension between YOLO and FOMO (You only live once/Fear of Missing Out), and tell my sisters at least twice a week that I want to be famous. I mean if I really, truly am only going to live once, heck, I wanna leave my mark! I want people to know my name! Of course... I'm only joking. Kind of.

Being the youngest in a large family, I blame my natural birth order for this craving to be known. If I wasn't as loud or sassy as I was growing up, I'm pretty sure no one would have heard me over our loud family gatherings. I had to adjust to survive. But, this want of being heard sometimes leaves me in a place of desperation as I realize, nothing I'm doing in my life right now feels like it's worthy of attention. I have this fear. That I'm missing out on so much.

An acquaintance on Facebook packed up her life here, moved to London and is a fashion photographer in the world of European Fashion! She travels and posts pictures of a glamorous life I can only dream of! But, I don't even have to dream. I can sit here in my shirt that smells like Jace's puke, while I flip through her pictures on Instagram and ooh and ahh at a life that looks nothing like mine. Once upon a time, I called London home for a few months and envisioned glamour in my future. Now, I live in Edmonds, Washington, change diapers multiple times a day, 7 days a week, sweep (and sometimes don't) the piles of food that Jace throws from his high chair to the floor, and sometimes get to shower if I'm super lucky and plan ahead.

With all the technology around, I'm constantly reminded about the countless, talented people out there. Even my own friends are crazy talented and crafty and cute. Me. I got nothing to offer in the way of creativity or glamour. It scares me. To have nothing to offer, leave behind or be known for. At least when I was in college or even working full time I felt I knew how to make my presence count. But, now, I don't know where in this world I matter.

I feel like I'm constantly going back to this lesson of comparison. When will I learn, I'll never really have it right. The glamour and the talents, are not really a part of my genetic makeup. This comparing leads to insecurity and insecurity leads to fear and fear leads to a dead end. It's paralyzing and debilitating. Insecurity leads me to no action.

All this to get to this. My non- sensical, egotistical brain knows it wants something more, but doesn't know what and is probably too insecure to get there. And then in my bible study I read Lisa Harper's words 'God clarifies that He has already fulfilled the deepest desire of every human heart to be fully known, completely accepted, and unconditionally adored.'

::turntable scratches, heads turn:: Say Whaaaaattttt? He has already fulfilled these things for me? If I believe this to be true (and somewhere in my head and my heart I DO) then what is this obsession with wanting these things from the world? What can people offer me that will ever feel like whole and complete acceptance and adoration? The answer is nothing. There is nothing that anyone on this earth can do or say that will ever perfectly satisfy any part of my heart or make me feel completely secure.

So, that leaves me here.  Lisa Christina Barton. Mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I can be plain old me without having to throw the best parties or have a pottery barn-esque house, or have the best ideas for process improvements in the workplace, and yet I can still be unconditionally adored by the Creator of the Universe.

If we all really walked in the security of being fully known, completely accepted and unconditonally adored, I think that assurance would be a game changer.

And those of us who really got this concept would be world changers.

Not the kind that are on movie screens, but the kind that shake up the nations. The kind that open up spaces on earth to fit in pieces of heaven.

If I only get one chance at this life, this is what I want. I don't want to miss out on anything because of my insecurities. I want to move boldy in the direction of world changer because of an unwavering confidence in who He says I am. Not for the tabloids, but for a kingdom that has no end.

Time, Space, and Friends

Tonight I'm thinking about my friends.

I'm thinking back to Middle School when the thought of moving on to a new High School with new people was so unbearable I could hardly breathe. I really thought in my 14 year old mind that my 14 year old friends would be my best friends forever. If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what ANY of those 14 year old bff's were doing right now.

Then came high school. I love my high school friends still. But I remember a time where we were inseperable. Where we would spend 6 hours a day with each other at school, hang out after school, then go home and talk on the phone for 2 hours, only to see each other the very next morning. How we did that, I'm not quite sure. But, I never imagined there would come a time in our lives where we had to schedule hanging out with each other 6 months in advance.

Then there were my college friends. We lived together. We studied together. We spent every waking and sleeping moment together. We loved and fought as if we grew up in the same household with the same parents vying for the same affections. Love it was. Love it is. And yet, we all get together maybe twice a year now because of this chasm called life. I would've never imagined that it would come to this. I thought they were my forever. And they are...they are my forever that gets together twice a year.

Then came real life. My adult life. No more confines of school helping me choose my friends. It's the real deal world. Where I met a boy, we made friends together, we got married, we had a baby and those friends were suddenly our friends for life. When you make friends in the adult realm, well, you really do think that's it. You have your roots planted and your foundation isn't marked off by 4 year increments ending in a cap and gown. The friendships I have right now are different because they don't just involve someone loving me (which is so easy;) ), it involves people loving us. Choosing to love and invest in not just me, but Owen and Jace as well. It's a vulnerable place to be.

So, let me brag about my friends. They are the kind that leave flowers on my doorstep when I've had a bad day. The kind that watch my baby when my husband is out of town so I can get out of the house. The kind that believe in my abilities more than I ever could. The kind that use their talents to bless me. The kind that take me out for spa days.  The kind that pray for me when I don't feel like praying. The kind that make me laugh so hard that I think I might die.  The kind I see in my future, dancing at Jace's wedding with me and remembering the day he was born like it was yesterday. The kind that have melted the lines of friendship into a puddle of family.

But as the patterns have gone to show, just when I'm comfortable with the way things are, friendships change.  Even when they are in your forever. We get a special time and place where we're all heading in the same direction, but eventually, someone's gonna have to make a turn.

So tonight, I'm thankful for all the real friendships I've had, all the way back to 14 year old me. In each phase of life I loved hard enough to never want to see them go.

Yet, God always provided me a new friend walking at the same time, in the same direction, on the same road I was travelling on.

Because of this,

The journey has been simply beautiful.

Losing Weight

So I jumped on the bandwagon of New Year's Resolutions this year and have been trying to lose weight. I am more dedicated to this than I have ever been. I'm in my 3rd week of doing Insanity 6 days a week...and Insanity lives up to it's name. It's. In.Sane. I've also been eating healthier and counting my calories on an app called "My Fitness Pal". I've been doing all this with a group of girls who have similar goals, which has helped me stay motivated.

But, today's weigh in left me in tears as I sputtered to Owen that the scale said I GAINED 2 pounds. GAINED?! I've been working my tail off to get this body in gear and I have nothing to show for it? Owen reassured me that he sees a difference and can feel a difference in the muscle I'm gaining, while my sister in law and cousin and Google assured me that being on my period has caused me to retain water and to never weigh myself when I'm on my period. Again.

Lesson learned.

But, as the day went on I went through waves of panic and discouragement thinking "why should I change my behaviors if they aren't changing me".

And then it dawned on me. I'm not the same girl who once played 3 different sports growing up and drank whole milk for breakfast because my metabolism was so crazy that I stayed skinny no matter what I ate. I'm not the same girl who walked the streets of Cancun with her best friends wearing a bathing suit that I wouldn't even wear now, if I was locked in my bathroom at home by myself.

I'm a different me now. As I look down at my stretch marks I see them as my badge of motherhood. I may as well get a tat across my stomach that says "Jace lived here." Because he did. My body was the home of another human being. 9 months of life were spent growing a person. That's not easy. It's a miracle. Our bodies can do amazing things without even asking us. And my body did.

Sure, I miss the way I used to look. Miss the way clothes used to look on me. But, pictures of me with a baby on my hip are far more beautiful than pictures of me during a Cancun summer vacation.

I'm proud of this body I so easily criticize. I'm proud of those stretch marks that are evidence of my skin expanding to make room for Jace's little body. I'm proud of those abs that got lost somewhere while I felt him take jabs and kick and hiccup inside of me. I'm proud of the strength it took to walk around with a 7 lb baby taking up all the room in my body 24 hours a day. I'm proud of the way I was able to find a way to push him out in 20 minutes. I'm proud that I got to be the one to provide him his first meal, from my OWN body.

It's amazing. My body. It's truly amazing.

Chin held high, I will keep going. I am choosing to make better choices for a healthier me. And if the scale doesn't show it, I can still feel it. I know I feel different.

So here's to not being so hard on myself and wearing my mommy badge proud.

And thanking God for a healthy body that was able to bring a beautiful life into the world.

So for now, I'll just keep trying.

Until I get pregnant again. And then, we'll start all over.

:)