Jace's First party!

...it was a hit!

One Year.

Happy First Birthday, little bud!!

Last Thanksgiving I was in the hospital knowing that by the end of the day my whole life was going to be different.

I love that you were born on Thanksgiving. I love that as I looked on my Facebook newsfeed there were endless posts about all the things we have to be thankful for. You were brought into this world on a day where people stop to reflect on how much blessing there is in this life. Your world was blanketed by hearts of  appreciation. The coziness of love fills the atmosphere as we take one day out of the year to unanimously say we are thankful.

That was the air you got to breathe for the first time. A world filled with the breath of gratefulness.

I remember a pregnancy that was somewhat traumatic. I remember grieving for that kidney. Literally. The grief cycle--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...over a kidney that you never had.

I remember time and time again where I had to rely on the promise the Lord so clearly spoke to me, that He would provide for us.

I remember when our favorite doctor said 'your next push is going to bring your son into the world.'

11:32 PM. Thanksgiving Day. I remember the sound of your cry. I remember when your eyes found mine. I remember holding you and knowing my forever was changed. A heart filled with a joy it had never known.

The Lord wanted to show me how rich His grace is when He brought you to our family on a day of gratitude. He promised me 5 days before I was pregnant that "Greater things are yet to come" and I hung on to those words for dear life, in the midst of fear, feelings of inadequacy, and pain.

Here I am a year later. How could I have possibly known? You were worth it all. No, not just worth the nausea and anxiety and grief. You were worth every day of my life leading up to you. Every tear, every piece of broken heart, every day of anguish, every laugh, every smile...it all lead up to you, it was all worth it. You make life completely worth it.

You have changed me. You have changed your dad. You have changed our family. You have changed my friendships.

In one year, you have taught me more than I could learn in a lifetime. You've brought me out of the constraints of my world. We're playing hopscotch on stars, we're dancing between the galaxies.

My soul is forever tattooed with a joy I met just one year ago.

Jace Michael Barton.

You're it.

And I thank you.

It's Easy

My little man. Being your mom is a very vulnerable job. It's the most sensitive issue in my life. Anything said about you is taken very hard...like when the kidney specialist told me all the things in life we would have to limit for you. My boy, when you're created to soar, well, there just are no limitations.

Which is why I wonder how I'll ever let you go to school. The first time anyone says anything to hurt your feelings, I think my body will just give up on me.

I take this job very seriously. It is such an honor. An HONOR to be your mom. Nowhere else have I found a higher calling than being your mom, and your dad's wife. I don't deserve this family. An act of grace.

In the same way I hurt for you, it also hurts when my position as wife or mother is criticized or diminished. Because if these are the most important things to me, then it is quite the gut check to hear or feel like I'm somehow failing. That I am somehow lacking. 

Today it crossed my mind that maybe I don't do enough. That maybe I'm not the best I could be for you.  That maybe I have it too easy and there's so much more I could be doing for you and your dad.

And in the midst of that gut check, you sat down next to me, leaned over, stuck your face in my face and laughed as loud and as hard as you could. And all I could do was laugh with you while the tears streamed down my face. Because it is easy. You make my life easy. Sure, it's harder to run errands, harder to sleep in, harder to go out with friends, harder to go on a vacation.  But, it's easy to love. It's easy to laugh and sing and dance and enjoy the world. You make being alive better. You make joy so real. And I'm overwhelmed by you. And I'm going to come up short for the rest of your life. And there is always going to be more that I could be doing. 

But in the meantime, I'm good if you're good. I'll laugh when you laugh. And together, we'll make this life look easy. 

Perspective

Last month it was so hot in our house. After Jace was asleep Owen blew up our air mattress and we laid on the deck underneath the stars.

There is a lot of perspective when you take the time to look up into the vastness of the night sky. It's a humbling experience. One that keeps you in awe of the universe and forces you to realize how small you are. How your problems and anxieties and fears are tiny in comparison to the thriving world around you. It makes   everything seem inconsequential. It forces you to be amazed at the Glory that surrounds you.

I found this blog the other day, and my heart has been broken ever since. I've spent nap times, shower times,  all sorts of free time reading the words of this mother who has lost so much.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense. It can be so brutal. It's no wonder that we have flesh to cover whats going on inside of us internally. The writhing and crushing. The feeling of helplessness and wretchedness and ache. I wonder what it looks like. Is it ugly? Or is their beauty in raw, honest feeling?

I've been going back to that day under the cozy blanket of stars. Where nothing mattered much. All the chaos of life didn't matter. The realization of how small me and my problems are made the world look beautiful.

I have been thinking about the good, the bad, and the ugly a lot lately. The dichotomy between the sweet treasures of life and the brutal lashings. Does one outweigh the other? Is it really worth the pain, sweat, and tears this life brings?

I'm doing a Beth Moore study about the "Psalms of Ascent". Today we talked about how the Lord sings over our lives. Think of the most amazing singer you know...and think if God created that voice box  how much more captivating His own voice must be. He sings over us. He sings over me.

I think of the effects music has over my soul. If God so much as spoke creation into existence, His singing over me are all those amazing moments that make all the terrible ones worth living for. His songs sound like Jace's laughter.  Like my husband's protection and provision. Like my mom's nurturing. Like late night conversations with my friends. Like my family's Sunday night dinners. They sound like peace only He gives. Like freedom. Like His son's life for mine made pure.

His songs over us make this life beautiful. Not only is it worth it, but we are so unworthy of it.

In the midst of chaos and uncertainty, I pray for the perspective from underneath the canvas of the universe. Because it is there that this crazy life makes the most sense to me.


Desperation--Amazed

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/desperation/#share

One more minute...

Tonight I rocked you to sleep, little man. It's been a long time but I just wanted to hold you extra long today. As your eyes got heavy and you cuddled in a little closer I held you tight and you peacefully fell asleep in my arms as I rocked us both in your rocking chair. I gazed at you thinking "I want just one more minute" and one minute soon turned into 20. I always want just want one more minute with you. I can't seem to get enough.

As we near the end of our first Summer together, I am wanting just one more minute. One minute to really soak up all that your first Summer has meant to me. Your first time swimming in a lake, first time on a boat, first time skipping naps for walks around Greenlake, first road trip to Ocean Shores, first time in an airplane, first time at Disneyland, first time at a wedding,  first time on a ferry, first time camping. For your first summer, I'll say you were pretty darn adventurous. I wouldn't trade one of those memories for anything. You made my first Summer as your mama a dream come true.

You have been an amazing baby. 6 teeth coming in at once and you haven't changed your cheery attitude. The way stranger's interact with you, it's like they see a glimpse of what I see everyday and want just one more minute with the boy who has something the world desperately needs.

You went from rocking on all 4's to crawling super fast, getting up the stairs, standing and walking while holding things...from 0 to 60 before we could even blink. It's amazing to watch your personality come alive.  I am sitting here trying to soak it all in. How you went from a helpless baby to a little boy on a mission. I am loving who this little boy is becoming, and yet want one more minute with my baby. Or maybe 20.

So while we start to say goodbye to Summer, I am just as excited to introduce you to your first Fall. The smells of pumpkin and spices and candles and cute boots and scarves and colorful leaves and comfy jammies and mugs of tea and soft blankets and pies and crisp, clean air, and fireplaces, and the scent of holidays just around the corner. Add a warm, cozy baby on top of all that and it sounds like a slice of heaven to me.

So it's a little bittersweet to say goodbye to your first Summer, but I have to say it has simply been whimsical. Us and you and friends and family. My memories of this Summer blur together and look like ' A Starry Starry Night'...a painting streaked with bright colors and swirls. It's you, Jace. You are my swirls.

15 Years of Memories with a Loyal Friend

Chewy's last night with her favorite kiddos

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?" --John Grogan


It's 3:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. I realized the hot tears soaking my pillow are tears that once were caught first by the softness of Chewy's head.

We said goodbye to her tonight, and I think she knew why we were all there. It didn't hit me until we left my parent's house and everything turned off but my mind. All of a sudden the pain hit so deep it hurts parts of my soul.

I started thinking back to the day she was born. My best friend's dog had puppies and I had to have one. I knew which one I wanted, the runt with the spot of white on her chin. I had a campaign ready to present to my parents and everything. And somehow, it worked.

She was a crazy dog for a lot of her life. Sweet, but crazy. Jumping on anyone who walked in the house to shower them with kisses and hugs. She was so hyper we  had to take her to obedience school. It was pointless, because she was obedient. She already knew all the tricks of sitting and rolling over and waiting to eat her cookie, but there was just no stopping her from her love for people. She loved outwardly with an enthusiastic affection.

She didn't care much for other dogs. At the beach when all the other dogs were socializing and sniffing each other, Chewy was having none of that. She was focused on the water and the stick and whoever brought her there. She was my running buddy for many years. She had an athletic spirit and would walk for days with you if you wanted her to. When I played basketball, softball, and soccer, so did she.

But as I was laying in bed tonight, I realized that for the past 15 years of my life, she's been like a quiet, steady, song playing in the background of all my memories. She was there for some of the most crucial times of my life. Middle School, starting high school, driver's license, prom, graduating, college, graduating again, travelling abroad, missions trips, first real job, my wedding, and this year she got to meet my first baby. She was always 'home' wherever I was in life.

I remember the night before my wedding sitting with her and thinking how weird it was that the next day all my family and friends were going to be celebrating the night away, while she was just at home, like it was any other day. But, I feel like she knew when something important was happening. She had her own way of showing you how much she cared, that she was proud of you, that she loved you.

I can't count the number of times she was the first one to hear my problems, wipe (or lick) my tears away, sit and enjoy the sunshine, cuddle up on cold winter days, run by my side or even just sit by my side. Content to just be with me. No pressure to be entertaining or interesting or worthy of attention, just myself. She was a loyal friend who showed her love in the ways she knew how.

After getting married and moving out it was easy to detach from her. I would see her whenever I visited my parents but it wasn't the same as living with her. But in these last couple years as her health has declined, I've watched her stay loyal and keep her youthful spirit despite her physical setbacks. I've watched her embrace all the new grand kids while they pick and poke and laugh with her. Her patience and her gentleness were unwavering.

I hate this post. I hate that I've had to use past tense when describing who she is. I hate that tomorrow night she won't be on this earth anymore. I hate that I feel kind of silly for grieving over an animal this much.

But animals cozy their way into your home and then somehow root themselves into your heart. She's become family, or as mom says 'the daughter who never talks back'.

No words can convey how loved and missed she will be. My memories of her will forever be sweet...a reminder of my youth and all the important milestones she watched me conquer.

My faithful, loyal, sweet girl. Find your rest. You need not worry about us anymore. You lived and loved well, and for that, we are forever grateful.

Anniversary

July 31st, 2010--Our wedding day

July 31st, 2011-- and a few days before and after...we celebrated our first anniversary in Long Beach, California with a couple of our favorite people! Jace was 5 months cooking in my tummy. I was hot. All the time. But we had so much fun!

The Lapps!

Owen and Chris acting like children and rolling down hills

Me and my Jace

Our friend we met at the San Diego Zoo!

July 31st, 2012-- This year we celebrated the Big #2 by going to the Crab Pot for a feast! It was such a fun and yummy experience for us both! We then made our way over to Seattle's Great Wheel, right at sunset, and got to see beautiful Seattle all lit up on a gorgeous summer day! It was a magical evening.

Owen ready to feast

Our yummy meal

Trying to figure out how to crack open a crab

The Great Wheel

Life is only getting richer and richer!