Little Life Lesson #3

Today was a beautiful, sunshiney day. I had to go to work, but Jace had a date with Grandma Linda! Grandma Linda dates are always so fun...last time it was a ferry ride and playing with a puppy. Today was a fun day at the beach.

As I was loading up the car this morning, Jace was playing with a deflated ball in the driveway. When it was time to put him in his carseat he started crying and saying over and over again "ball please? ball please?" The kid wanted to stay in the driveway and play with a deflated ball. But I had better plans! I saw and knew his not so distant future was going to be filled with a Grandma Linda date, and she does NOT disappoint! He was going to get to go to the beach and play in the sand and chase birds and run in the grass and watch the waves roll and even see some ducklings. Jace didn't know that. All he knew was what was right in front of him. He doesn't have the capacity and understanding to know what is in his future. But, his mama does. His mama knew there was so much more. But, the only way to give him more was to take him away from the ball and the driveway, while he cried and pleaded to stay.

How often do I do this with God?  I don't have the capacity and understanding to know what's in my future, but He does! Countless times, He has had to pry me away from what seemed to me like the best thing. But, He has always shown me He has so. much. more. Even if it means I have to leave something behind with lots of tears and pleading.

He wants me to walk away from the deflated ball in the driveway. Not because He is mean, but, because He wants to give me something better--a sunny day at the beach.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” --C.S. Lewis

The Boston Marathon: Worthy of Celebration

(Picture source)

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." --Mr. Rogers

I read up on the history of the Boston Marathon so I could get a better understanding of the weight of all this.  What I learned was--this race is a place of celebration. The qualifying standards for people to even be able to participate in it are very high--an accomplishment worthy of celebration. It has become an international event, bringing people together from all over the world to participate in the universal gift of running--a gathering worthy of celebration. The event has a tradition of including a wheelchair division, a blind/visually impaired division, and a mobility impaired program-- a tradition worthy of celebration. 

So, as the stories unfolded and we found out about the carnage done in this beautiful piece of humanity, my stomach got weak, my heart sank, and my mind raced as I grieved for the world that my children will grow up in. That there are evil people, willing to do heinous things on precious soil.

But, at some point during the day, I looked a little closer. I looked at the first responders, thought of those on the ground who ran towards the chaos with little time to worry about themselves. The police officers and firefighters, the doctors and nurses at the hospitals, the strangers helping strangers on the streets and in the crowds.

When you leaned in quietly and looked close, a place of chaos was dazzling with beauty.

There is still good.

And that good--that good,

 is worthy of celebration.

Our Original Nature

The other night we rented Skyfall, that James Bond movie. We started it pretty late and I won the argument of where we should watch it. Owen wanted the downstairs flat screen, I insisted the laptop in bed (because I knew I would fall asleep and didn't want to have to move when it was over. But, don't tell him that because he always checks if I'm awake and I always pretend I am). Anyhow, asleep I fell.

I saw the opening scene and thought it was so ridiculous that he lived, with no explanation as to how, so I boycotted by falling asleep faster than usual. I randomly woke up at ONE part, in the whole movie. So, really, I'm sure it was a great movie, but I missed it. The one part I saw was some guy, don't know who he was or what he was talking about, but I'm going to share what he said. Only because I can't stop thinking about it. If you hate rats, the thought of it will probably gross you out. 'Infested with rats' is like the most grotesque visualization in the history of visualizations. But, bear with me. I think I have a point. Maybe. I'm writing it out to see if I do. So here's what this guy interrupted my deep sleep with.

"My grandmother had an island when I was a boy. Nothing to boast of. You could walk along it in an hour. But still, it was - it was a paradise for us. One summer, we came for a visit and discovered the whole place had been infested with rats. They'd come on a fishing boat and had gorged themselves on coconut. So how do you get rats off an island, hmm? My grandmother showed me. We buried an oil drum, and hinged the lid. Then we wired coconut to the lid as bait. The rats come for the coconut. They fall into the drum, and after a month, you've trapped all the rats. But what did you do then? Throw the drum into the ocean? Burn it? No. You just leave it. And they begin to get hungry, then one by one they start eating each other, until there are only two left. The two survivors. And then what - do you kill them? No. You take them, and release them into the trees. Only now, they don't eat coconut anymore. Now they will only eat rat. You have changed their nature." -- (Source)

Ok, so yes. Gross.

But it got me thinking. They weren't created to be cannibals. They liked coconuts! But, the options the world gave them changed their nature. 

In the first chapter of the Bible, God spoke: "Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature...God created human beings; He created them godlike, reflecting God's nature," (Genesis 1:26-28, The Message).

From the moment our little lips take their first sip of oxygen, we are reflecting the nature of God. But, the world will try to strip that from us. Yes, I believe we were born with original sin, but we were also designed to be like Him! I mean, the list could never be numbered, but the Bible tells us some of His charactersitcs. To name a few: He is holy, He is just, He is merciful, He is faithful, He is truth, He is love.

A friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while, met Jace the other day when he was being babysat, so I wasn't there. The friend messaged me afterwards saying she loved meeting him and said 'he has so many similar facial expressions as you do!' He does? I didn't know! But, I LOVED hearing that. He is my boy. He is reflecting my characteristics.

Just like us. And our Father.We were created to reflect His image. And parts of His image are those things I mentioned: holy, just, merciful, faithful, truthful, loving.

It's part of our nature, only because He is part of our nature. The options the world tries to bombard us with often will make us stray from that. To look out for ourselves and be mean and arrogant and hateful and spiteful and liars and thieves and gossipers and unfaithful and unjust and unmerciful and untruthful and unloving.

If we aren't careful and let ourselves feed into the options the world gives us instead of spending our days reflecting the nature of our Creator and what He originally designed us to be, then we will become just like the rats. We will have a new natural.

The problem with the rats was that once they were so far removed from the coconuts, they didn't even recognize them as a viable means to survival anymore. It just wasn't even an option because it wasn't familiar.

I don't want to walk so far into the world that I don't even recognize who God originally created me to be. I want His nature to always be familiar.

Sick Days

Sick days are no longer what they once were. For some reason, misery loves company, and when I'm sick, Jace is as well. Of course, nothing has compared to the first time I was a sick mother. But, this is still torture.

It used to be, when I was sick, my dad would get me whatever I wanted to eat (usually McDonald's, Cream of Wheat or pancakes). I would watch chick flicks all day. Nap at my own leisure. Take a long, warm bath. Do. Nothing.

Things are a bit different now. I resort to finding whatever is in the freezer because I feel too awful to leave the house for myself. I've traded chick flicks for "Go, Diego,Go". And my long, warm bath is a quick rinse off because Jace is throwing toilet paper rolls into my shower.

It's bad enough I have to fend for my own survival, but Jace has to be sick, too? He can't just be normal, independent Jace. He has to be miserable, if I'm awake I need to be held, give me Tylenol every 4 hours or else my temperature will blow up the thermometer, Jace.

I miss the sick days where it was all about me.

But, there's a twisted part of me that loves this Jace, who reminds me he still needs his mama.

Then there's the part of me that still needs mine.

I mean. I am 18 years old in my head. And I would've been the perfect candidate for Teen Mom.

But that's neither here nor there. The beast is asleep. I'm going to take a nap now.

Just an Hour

I had a plan today. After work I was going to pick up Jace from my parents, come home, workout,  and clean our house (that currently resembles an unorganized rummage sale). But, when I walked through the door, I felt like the Lord wanted me to unplug and take the next full hour before Jace's bedtime routine, to get on my knees and give my undivided attention... to Jace. To be there to give affirming smiles, hugs and kisses whenever he wanted, to play ball, Legos, read books, whatever he wanted. So, as hard as it was to leave the house in shambles and stray from my workout plan, I knew I needed to be on the floor with my buddy. Because somewhere, not far from us, were at least 4 little kids who needed the love of a mama to just sit on the floor with them and love them, if even for just an hour.

I got a text from my friend today saying 'I just watched a mother push her 1 year old down, grab him by the arm and throw him into the car then start hitting him in the face. I might puke. I called 9-1-1.' For the rest of my shift at work, I thought about my little one year old. I couldn't even fathom it. Could not. With his little hands and feet and his innocent laugh (the best sound in the ENTIRE world), and how much he doesn't know. How much he depends on me and trusts me and needs me. How could someone ever dare misuse that privilege and abuse the defenseless? My heart felt like there was a gash in it as I grieved for a little boy whose mother does not know a treasure when she sees it. I wanted to know that little boy. To open my door and give him at least an hour of my undivided attention. To be on my hands and knees so he could look me in the eyes and feel safe and loved. To feel like the very precious treasure he is.

I then got off work to hear that a friend of a friend had passed away. A young mom with 3 kids--the oldest 8, the youngest 3. Breast cancer soon spread to brain cancer and was slowly taking her life as her 3 babies watched. A couple weeks ago, she said her goodbyes to her children because it was just too hard on all of them to interact with her looking so frail and being so weak. Their aunt took them as this mama's life slipped away, knowing she would not watch her babies grow up. Would not get to watch their sporting events, cook them dinner, tuck them in at night. Would miss out on  high school, driver's ed, proms, college, weddings. Her 3 year old will have only faint memories of having a mother and her 8 year old will remember her for the rest of her life--and this day, this day that she was told her mother was now in heaven. 3 children who would do anything for their mama to be here, healthy, playing on the floor with them, hugging them whenever they wanted, stacking Legos. The last thing the mom told my friend was 'thank you so much for everything and please let my kids know that I love them very much'. A mama who probably wished for one more hour with them as well.

Today, the pain of this world rubbed shoulders with my world. My heart got a glimpse and it aches. But, it also reminded me that these moments, these hours, are not to be taken for granted.  I needed to do my part today. For the little boy whose mom forgot to cherish him and for the mom who cherished her kids until her dying breath. We are all given choices. My choice today was to stick to my plan, or to break the rules, get a little wild, and love like crazy, if even just for an hour.

My house is still a disaster, but today I chose to love my boy like crazy.

Hot Chocolate 5K

So, one day, I was innocently minding my own business when my email pinged me with a new message that read "Hot Chocolate 5K Registration Confirmation". I was confused, and had every right to be, because I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR ANY 5K. Turned out, Melissa, took it upon herself to sign me up without my knowledge. While part of me wanted to beat her up, the other part of me was relieved because I don't think I would have ever signed up on my own.

I know 3 miles isn't that big of a deal, with everyone doing marathons, triathlons  and Ironman these days, but for me 3 miles is a BIG DEAL. Even back in my athletic prime, I was always a sprinter. Short distances I owned. Long distances owned me. Like, they had the ability to take my life.

So, until about a month ago, I had never run probably more than a mile without stopping, in my entire life. And now all of a sudden, my lungs and legs worked up the ability to keep pushing through. It's been such an awesome challenge for me, physically yes, but mostly mentally. The first time I ran 3 miles, I had to picture myself in labor and tell myself, if my body had no choice but to survive THAT, I could surely run 3 miles.

So, on to race day. Last night was a torrential downpour and I saw no sign of escaping it by morning. This morning we woke up to blue skies and a beautiful, sunny Seattle. 6:45 was early, but so worth it. The route through Seattle was absolutely beautiful as we got snapshots of the sun reflecting off the water and as a backdrop to the Great Wheel. We also got to run through a tunnel that had been closed down just for us! It was such an awesome experience. I'm so proud of my girls and had so much fun getting to do something like this with them. This definitely won't be the last time!

And I guess I can find it in my heart to forgive Melissa:)

Satisfied

My sweet baby, Jace.

I've been thinking about some of the posts I've written and thought that if something ever happened to me and all you were left with were my words, you might deduce that I wasn't satisfied with my life. That your mom lived her life always in need, or worse, in want. Wanting to do more, see more, be more. That I never reached the heighth of what I really wanted out of this life.

So, I need to clarify to you. It's not true. Yes, your mom is a dreamer. But, you know what? You're who I've wanted all my life. And you came true. Because of this, you have given me the ability to dream for more. To want for more. Because reality is, I'm satisfied. If this is what I get in life, know that you and your dad have made me completely happy. I consider myself blessed and honored for getting to spend my days with you. Sure, I sometimes feel guilty that I went to school all my life and am not working now, but I know this season is so sweet and you won't need me forever, so I'll gladly trade in a job for these priceless moments I won't get back. My soul is calmed now that you're here. Anything more that I want is just extra.

I've mentioned before it's hard for me to be content in the present. I'm always looking to the past and to the future. Jace, I'm so content in this present with you. The second you go to bed I want to wake you right back up because I miss your smile. I am loving who you are right now and who you are becoming.

You still cry when other babies cry. I see you already have compassion for people. I dream of your future and how you will someday turn those tears into actions for those who need a defender.

Your words and animation. I see you mimicking everyone around you. You're a sponge soaking up the world. I pray that you will mimic your Heavenly Father when you're old enough to know and trust Him.

You're humor. You make me laugh all day. You have sound effects. You spin in circles. You dance. You tell me daily you're going to buy a boat...at least that's what it sounds like. You pretend to sneeze and think it's hilarious. You show your grandma how to cover her mouth when she coughs. You purse your lips together when I ask for a kiss.

You say "I lu you". 

Lately, I've been singing to you, "Someday, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight." We dance and twirl and you throw those gorgeous curls back and bat those long lashes and you laugh. But, I mean it buddy. Someday, I'll remember just this you. This sweet, innocent, beautiful you that has stolen the pitter patters of my heart. I'll remember just the way you look, and it will warm me up like the perfect, cozy blanket. The Lord has been so good to me. And buddy, I am satisfied.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely, never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight.