Jace Michael Barton

I've come to a point where I have debated whether or not to shut this blog down. I'm stumped. The English language has failed to equip me with the proper vocabulary to convey every thought, feeling, memory, experience that the past 3 weeks have meant to me. It can all be wrapped up in one tiny little word. I never knew that word would hold my entire heart in it. That the existence of my life was wrapped up in it. That my greatest joys and happy tears were woven in it. That nothing else mattered as much as it. That everything good made sense because of it.
Jace.

He's the good and perfect in my eyes. God, for some reason that I have yet to understand, gifted me with something I don't deserve, and I am overwhelmed by this kind of grace. Speechless. I've never understood His love as much as I do now. A love for your child great enough to give up your life. A love for your child, even when they have done nothing to deserve it. And yet His love for me is greater than this-- than my love for Jace. And this floors me. It leaves me in puddles of thankful tears. It leaves me in silent awe. It leaves me with a sense of ferocious love.

I look at Jace's face, his perfect little nose and big eyes. His long fingers and dimpled chin. And it leaves me breathless. He is such a good baby, with his daddy's calm personality and crazy toes. And his mama's 'furrowed brow'. I'm living a life of magical proportions.

Even those 3 am wake up calls, though often frustrating, have moments where we stare into each other's eyes and I know that some day when he is off at college, I'll miss the days when he woke me up in the middle of the night, needing his mama's touch. It's magical. All of it.

He makes me want to be a better person. He leaves me feeling so inadequate and helpless and yet so strong and equipped.

He makes me love Owen more. I see a father's love in Owen, that I never saw until Thanksgiving Day, November 24th, 2011 at 11:32 pm. And I don't think I'll ever stop seeing it. Or ever stop loving it. I don't think it'll ever get old or I'll ever get used to it. I think it will forever stop me in my tracks and set my heart rate at it's own new beat.

Life feels so fresh. So full. So new.

I am forever in mad love,

with my,

Jace Michael Barton.