Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy 1st Birthday, Baby Cole!!

My beautiful, baby boy!! How can one year have already passed since the first time I met you? As I put you down on your last night before turning 1, I sang to you our song as you smiled and giggled and nuzzled your face into my shoulder and I couldn't stop the tears that spilled out from my eyes as I remembered this past year with a sweet fondness and stood there holding you overwhelmed with honor and gratitude.

What a year it has been. You came into this world with your grand entrance as we hurried back across the ferry on Mother's Day and you have kept us on our toes ever since. There were challenges and difficult moments that are almost all forgotten in my mind because of the weight of joy you brought along with you.

I may have given you life, but you have given me more life. When I thought my love was maxed out to capacity you made me realize that the walls of our hearts know no bounds, there is always room for more. I watched as we all took on new roles: daddy and I as parents of 2 and Jace as an older brother-- I didn't realize there was a new kind of love to be had in those new spaces you gave us. But, there was so much more for all of us that we only fully understood after you arrived.

I watched as the bond between you and Jace started in motion the moment you laid eyes on each other. It was as if your souls had always known each other and they were finally meeting in a hospital room. I watched during those long, hard days when the only things that seemed to make you happy were the outdoors and the sight of your big brother. The giggles, the games, the way you light up when he walks in the room and the way he lights up when you're up from a nap--I see how you have changed him. You made him a big brother and he takes great pride and care in that privilege. It has caused my love for him to grow in a new way.

You have given us all new roles. So, not only did I get to fall more and more in love with you but I got to fall more in love with everyone in our lives who loves you. You gave me a new perspective and a fresh joy deep in my core. You made the colors of my world dance with a new, vibrant flare that arrived only when you did.

I love you so much, Baby Cole. My heart feels like it's being squeezed inside of my chest because I know I won't get to hold you this close forever. Turning one has a way of staking its claim in the ground that this life is perpetually moving in forward motion and I have no ability to press rewind to those tender, early moments. It is a reminder to grab hold of the very sweet present and savor it slowly.

So, for now I'm just burying it all so deep in my heart like the most sacred of treasures. Those early days of late nights, swaddles, naps on the go. The tiny toes and deep dimples. The way you eat everything in sight. How you flap your arms and shine your 6 teeth when you're excited. The soft thud of your chubby hands when you clap them together or pat my back. The way you bury your face into your blanket, come up for air and a huge smile--and then do it again. The way you play hide-and-seek with Jace and find him in the hamper 10 out of 10 times (and still feel so proud of yourself when you find him), the way you belly laugh when daddy throws you in the air and that smile you give me when you're being naughty. All of it. I'm holding it all so deep in my heart where I hope to keep it alive forever.

Happy 1st Birthday my sweet, precious boy! I thank Jesus everyday for entrusting me with the joy of being your mama. For giving me these precious years with you before I have to really share you with the world. For honoring me by giving me the chance to pour into you True Life and Love and Light so that it can all be released back out onto others someday--the greatest work I can ever be a part of. Thank you for teaching us what only you could. For giving us more life. For making us more full--more grateful, more playful, more joyful. And just for being ours. I love you with every thing I have in me to love.