I was sobbing that first Sunday after finding out I was pregnant with Jace. Sitting in the balcony at church everything inside me was turning over at the unknown. What about my job? What about my 8 month young marriage? What about my friends? What about my crappy car not suitable for a baby? Or a condo that suddenly felt too small?
I sat there squirming in my seat during a worship song and suddenly all the noise in my head stopped and I clearly heard the lyrics "the cry of my heart is to bring You praise from the inside out." I couldn't help but sing along.
It was at that moment I knew this wasn't about my convenience. If I really wanted to live a life that brought God glory (and I did), I had to let go of all my worries and trust that this was right that this was good. That from inside of me where this baby now took residence, to outside of me where everything all of a sudden seemed disastrous, I could move forward with confidence and joy.
This week I've had a lot of unknowns. Unknowns give me anxiety. They leave me feeling out of control about the future and my circumstances, and I hate that.
As I was cleaning the kitchen this morning, mulling over all the 'unknowns', a familiar song came on my Pandora station, "and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out."
That little life that was no bigger than a peanut when I first sang that song with intention, is now a curly-haired boy dancing his heart out to that very same song. Spinning in dizzying circles while flapping his arms around and encouraging me to 'dance mommy!'
So I dropped everything and I danced like crazy with the boy that was once my mystery--now my everything.
Sometimes, we feel like we're standing on the edge of a cliff and we are too scared of what happens next. Too scared to jump in, to let go, to soar--because the water might be too cold or the waves might be too rough, or what if there's a freaking.shark.in.there?!
But, often, when we do--when we move forward into what seems like chaos or seems too scary or seems insurmountable-- those are the moments that change us for the good. Forever. If we never move, we might stay safe, but we'll never get to experience real joy and freedom.
Just like my little boy reminded me today--the letting go, the trusting--it's all worth it. Because often times, after we've made it through the hard stuff,
we get to dance.
