One Great Summer

I remember the summer of 2008 like it was yesterday. Life was at an all
time peak. It was sunny everyday in Seattle, and even if it wasn't the
world was still so so beautiful. The water was so blue. The air was so
fresh. The heat was like a cozy blanket. I never wanted to sleep (which
if you know me, is not normal) because I wanted to soak in every second
of every day.

2008 was the summer Owen and I started dating.

My world was new. Everything in it was suddenly better. He had just taken a break from his job and I was 'studying' for my boards. So we hung out all the time at coffee shops, Kerry park, the beach, and on and on. We just talked. All day. Everyday. We got to know each other. It's where we built our relationship. It's when we fell in love.

I remember one day, my friend asking me what I liked about it him. And I just started crying. I was so overwhelmed that he was mine. And I wept. I was just so thankful. I wondered why God would smile on me
that much. After all I had done to walk my own way, God gave me more than my heart could contain.

Since that summer, a lot has happened in our relationship. We went
through some big downs and some big ups. We went to Mexico on a
mission's trip with our closest friends. We went on College 20's retreats together. We went through the hard talks of wondering if were supposed to be together forever. We walked through broken relationships together. And are fighting through the devastating pain of Owen losing a very close friend. We got married. We went on our honeymoon. We moved in together.

Our relationship couldn't thrive off just that one great summer. It's not enough to just sit back and do nothing more. Those first moments of being in love weren't enough to get us through life. If we only lived our lives
based on that summer we wouldn't grow together, or learn from each other, we wouldn't gain faith in each other, or more love for each other. We would just be stuck in that first phase of a romantic relationship. We wouldn't build trust. Or lean on each other in trials. While that summer was amazing, we couldn't freeze time and be stuck there forever. We had to move forward. We had to be intentional with each other.

I had the privilege of praying w/ a friend yesterday who is newer in her
walk with Jesus. She started crying and when I asked why, all she could
say was 'I'm just so thankful'. I remember that feeling when I first
came to the Lord. That feeling of just being so overwhelmed by His
goodness. Everyday I was ready to eat up the Word. And ready to give my
life for anything He wanted. I was so amazed by the fact that an
abundance of grace dripped from His wounded hands and drenched my
entire life.

But since then, there are days, I am not intententional. I act as
if those first moments of being in love with the Savior were enough to
get me through life.

I just finished a very mundane week. A week of work, eat, tv, sleep. I
haven't had the desire to open up my bible or pray or anything.

Until last night. When I saw my friend, in those early stages of real
faith. When all you can do is cry.

If I am not intentional with the Lord how will we grow together, or how
will I learn from Him. How will I gain faith in Him or have more love
for him? I will just be stuck in that first phase of a romantic
relationship. I won't learn to build trust. Or lean on Him in my trials.

It's not enough to sit back and do nothing just because I fell in love with Him once.

Because in all reality

No relationship can thrive

off just one great summer.

What if?

All my life, in every stage, I've always played the 'what if' game. There's always something more than right now.

When I was young it started with

What if people thought I was pretty?



What if I was the best in every sport I played?


 

 What if I got 100% on every test I took?



Then it turned into things like...



What if I never get married?



Seriously...what if I spend the rest of my life. All alone?



OR...what if I marry someone famous! And I float on in a life of luxury. And drink champagne for breakfast in goblets made out of diamonds while someone rubs my feet?


 
Now it's things like



What if Owen dies?



What if I can't have kids?



What if I get cancer?



Or WRINKLES?!



What if Owen and I sold everything we owned, moved to Italy, and enjoyed a scenic, slow paced, life of relaxation? And forgot about all the pain and insecurities and drama we were leaving behind?

OR?? What if we sold everything, moved to India, and played with little kids all day, and served the lost, hungry and hopeless. What if we brought Hope and Light to His tortured people all around the globe!?



Today I woke up asking different what if's.



What if I would stop being the ruler of my world? He says that His sheep know his voice! AM I THAT VAIN that I can't tell the difference between His voice and mine most days?



What if I would just realize that He wants me here, in Edmonds
Washington right now. BECAUSE I'M HERE, IN EDMONDS, WASHINGTON, RIGHT NOW! How can I dream of travelling the globe telling people of the love and freedom in Christ, when I can't even do it with my own friends? Why can't I give Hope to the hopeless I see every single day? How can I love people so different than me in another country, when I can't even love the people who are the SAME as me?

 What if when I read my Bible I read it as Life, not just words? I was
reading Jeremiah the other day and I read '7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD. 9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "I have put my words in your mouth."



Do I believe these things to be true for today? That He can give me His words to speak to His people. Not my words but HIS?



And if I do believe it...am I going to be an open vessel?? Am I even
going to LET Him use me?



What if I was a better friend? What if I loved passionately and honestly and recklessly? What if I didn't get tired and annoyed and drained by people's problems. But instead stood there with them like nothing else in the world mattered.

 
What if the next time Owen and I get in an argument, I apologize first?



What if my default face wasn't a scowl? What if it was a smile! And
people wanted to come talk to me, because I looked nice and approachable
and friendly?!



What if I was more intentional in my life. With my relationships, with my talents, with my gifts, with my resources. What if instead of being lazy, greedy, and self righteous I was determined, giving and humble?



What if when people saw me, they saw only my soul,



What the heck would they see?!!



What if I started living my life as if there isn't something more,



than just right now.

Where is my heart?

My husband is gone for the first time in 3 months of marriage. He is in Dallas, Texas doing training for work. This has forced me to rub shoulders w/ my past self. The me that was single. Not a better, me, but a different me.

It has brought me back to the places before Owen. And today, my heart feels like I left it somewhere back there.


Did I leave it back on one of those birthdays? The ones where I thought if I blew the candles hard enough and wished even harder I could believe that very wish into existence? Or is it back on the night before Christmas when I knew Santa wasn't real, but peeked all night long, just in case he was.

Maybe I left my heart in the laughter between my mom and me, when her bed was just across the hall from mine. Or is it in the hands of my dad as he curled my hair before church?


Maybe it's still stuck on the day we found out we would never see my cousin on this earth again. Our sobs a song drowned out by our tears.

My heart could still be computing the idea that there would be a new Hanchinamani in 9 months. And we'll call it Inji until we know any better.


Or is it somewhere at Brookside. In the lyrics of a one republic song on repeat, during our 15th round of playing 'Pop', while debating predestination for the hundredth time?

It could be at the foot of the cross. The day I realized the King of the Universe was for me, not against.

Did I leave my heart on the cobblestone streets of London, on a stroll with my best friend? Or while I was dangling my feet over the Seine River in Paris, drinking a glass of sparkling wine, talking of life, love and loss with friends I had just met? Or is it on the beach of Barcelona, where I bought a coconut from a sketchy man looking for a quick buck? Maybe I left it at St. Peter's in Rome, right in front of the Pieta of Mary cradling a dying Jesus. Or was it left at the grounds of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, where the rainbow hung above it, as if painted by an artist who was declaring His love for me .

 

Or is it at my internship site, left with the 6 year old who put on a brave face for his defeated mother. While the doctor's cleaned his wound after heart surgery.

Maybe I left it on my mission's trip. With the little girl at the orphanage who couldn't smile at adults because every adult in her life reminded her of pain. Or maybe it's on the campus with the little girls who played with my hair and hung on my neck and tickled me, just so that they could laugh.

Or maybe I left my heart in the apartment I shared with my best friends. Maybe it got stuck somewhere on a cold winter's night, when we were all huddled under blankets talking of who we would marry and where we would live and if our kids would all be friends someday.


No. Tonight my heart is somewhere it's never been. It's warm and cozy and safe.



In Dallas, Texas.