A Name

A lot has happened since my last post, we found out we are having a BOY! He kicks me with all he's got now, and he's got a lot. We bought a HOUSE! It's everything I've pictured for our growing little family. We went down to California for our 1 year wedding anniversary! It was a wonderful time spent with such good friends.

But this week I have had a heavy heart. A series of events have led me to question things I haven't had to question in a long time and have left gaping wounds where flesh once protected me.

 I had an ultrasound this week. At my previous ultrasound they couldn't see one of his kidneys because of the way he was laying. But I wasn't worried. However, at my last visit, they couldn't see it again and as I laid on that table with just me, the ultrasound tech and a machine, I watched her write the words "Right Kidney" and "Left Kidney Area". Not "Left Kidney". She wasn't authorized to say anything, so I walked out of there and called my mom crying. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse so she is my go to expert. She said a lot of things but the things I remember were " So what if there is one? People donate kidneys all the time and live off one. If God gave him one kidney, crying about it isn't going to do you any good. He will be fine."

The next day at the doctor's office, I was told that it looks like my precious baby boy is missing his left kidney. I didn't cry when she told me. I got the lump in my throat that felt like a boulder. I got the sting in my eyes that felt like a swarm of bees had attacked. But it wasn't until I walked out into the parking lot that I felt my knees go weak, my head spin and the tears began to flow. I wanted nothing more than for this baby to be completely whole. That his life would be limitless. That his mom wouldn't worry about that kidney for the next 50 years every time he played a sport, rode his bike, got in a car. I wrestled with the Lord. Why would He do this? If He could SPEAK the world into existence, speaking a KIDNEY couldn't be so hard. If I could do it, I would stay up for the rest of my life saying the word "kidney" until my son got a second one.

It took this to really, fully make me realize how much humans are capable of loving. I know we can be vicious, selfish people. But the Lord has given us the ability to LOVE with a reckless abandonment. I have this child, who I've never even seen, never met. He's never done anything to make me love him. He's made me more sick than I've ever been in my life. He's giving me stretch marks and sleepless nights and likes to kick me. He's done nothing to deserve my love. Yet it's there. And it's FIRE. I realized without a hesitation in my thoughts, not a pause. If it was possible, even if there was nothing wrong with the one he has, but just meant a limitless life for him, I would give him one of my kidneys. Heck, I would give him the heart that pumps fresh blood through my body. This love is unlike anything I've known.

And I sit here and think about my Creator who loves me and my son even MORE than this. And I feel safe.

The night we found this out my family surrounded Owen and I and prayed for us. The power of a family that prays is beyond explanation. But I felt peace and comfort and healing. Owen read Psalm 139. And I've read it a million times since. We prayed for peace that night. We prayed and believed in faith for healing. That the Lord would defy what the pictures are showing right now. I have one more high-tech ultrasound before there is true, hard confirmation that he only has one kidney. But my God doesn't need to work on our time limits. The miracle can happen whenever He wants. It may already have. But, if He decides this baby will have one kidney, well his days have already been numbered, so even with one kidney, we have nothing to fear.

Through this process the Lord gave us a name. It had been in the talks but nothing serious. However I felt confirmation when I was blow drying my hair through tears, on Thursday. But I said nothing. 10 minutes later Owen looked at me and said "So, should we call him Jayce?" He felt confirmation at the same time that I did. Jayce- "Healer- who is like God". Jayce Michael Barton it is.

                                                                         PSALM 139

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.