Time, Space, and Friends

Tonight I'm thinking about my friends.

I'm thinking back to Middle School when the thought of moving on to a new High School with new people was so unbearable I could hardly breathe. I really thought in my 14 year old mind that my 14 year old friends would be my best friends forever. If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what ANY of those 14 year old bff's were doing right now.

Then came high school. I love my high school friends still. But I remember a time where we were inseperable. Where we would spend 6 hours a day with each other at school, hang out after school, then go home and talk on the phone for 2 hours, only to see each other the very next morning. How we did that, I'm not quite sure. But, I never imagined there would come a time in our lives where we had to schedule hanging out with each other 6 months in advance.

Then there were my college friends. We lived together. We studied together. We spent every waking and sleeping moment together. We loved and fought as if we grew up in the same household with the same parents vying for the same affections. Love it was. Love it is. And yet, we all get together maybe twice a year now because of this chasm called life. I would've never imagined that it would come to this. I thought they were my forever. And they are...they are my forever that gets together twice a year.

Then came real life. My adult life. No more confines of school helping me choose my friends. It's the real deal world. Where I met a boy, we made friends together, we got married, we had a baby and those friends were suddenly our friends for life. When you make friends in the adult realm, well, you really do think that's it. You have your roots planted and your foundation isn't marked off by 4 year increments ending in a cap and gown. The friendships I have right now are different because they don't just involve someone loving me (which is so easy;) ), it involves people loving us. Choosing to love and invest in not just me, but Owen and Jace as well. It's a vulnerable place to be.

So, let me brag about my friends. They are the kind that leave flowers on my doorstep when I've had a bad day. The kind that watch my baby when my husband is out of town so I can get out of the house. The kind that believe in my abilities more than I ever could. The kind that use their talents to bless me. The kind that take me out for spa days.  The kind that pray for me when I don't feel like praying. The kind that make me laugh so hard that I think I might die.  The kind I see in my future, dancing at Jace's wedding with me and remembering the day he was born like it was yesterday. The kind that have melted the lines of friendship into a puddle of family.

But as the patterns have gone to show, just when I'm comfortable with the way things are, friendships change.  Even when they are in your forever. We get a special time and place where we're all heading in the same direction, but eventually, someone's gonna have to make a turn.

So tonight, I'm thankful for all the real friendships I've had, all the way back to 14 year old me. In each phase of life I loved hard enough to never want to see them go.

Yet, God always provided me a new friend walking at the same time, in the same direction, on the same road I was travelling on.

Because of this,

The journey has been simply beautiful.

Losing Weight

So I jumped on the bandwagon of New Year's Resolutions this year and have been trying to lose weight. I am more dedicated to this than I have ever been. I'm in my 3rd week of doing Insanity 6 days a week...and Insanity lives up to it's name. It's. In.Sane. I've also been eating healthier and counting my calories on an app called "My Fitness Pal". I've been doing all this with a group of girls who have similar goals, which has helped me stay motivated.

But, today's weigh in left me in tears as I sputtered to Owen that the scale said I GAINED 2 pounds. GAINED?! I've been working my tail off to get this body in gear and I have nothing to show for it? Owen reassured me that he sees a difference and can feel a difference in the muscle I'm gaining, while my sister in law and cousin and Google assured me that being on my period has caused me to retain water and to never weigh myself when I'm on my period. Again.

Lesson learned.

But, as the day went on I went through waves of panic and discouragement thinking "why should I change my behaviors if they aren't changing me".

And then it dawned on me. I'm not the same girl who once played 3 different sports growing up and drank whole milk for breakfast because my metabolism was so crazy that I stayed skinny no matter what I ate. I'm not the same girl who walked the streets of Cancun with her best friends wearing a bathing suit that I wouldn't even wear now, if I was locked in my bathroom at home by myself.

I'm a different me now. As I look down at my stretch marks I see them as my badge of motherhood. I may as well get a tat across my stomach that says "Jace lived here." Because he did. My body was the home of another human being. 9 months of life were spent growing a person. That's not easy. It's a miracle. Our bodies can do amazing things without even asking us. And my body did.

Sure, I miss the way I used to look. Miss the way clothes used to look on me. But, pictures of me with a baby on my hip are far more beautiful than pictures of me during a Cancun summer vacation.

I'm proud of this body I so easily criticize. I'm proud of those stretch marks that are evidence of my skin expanding to make room for Jace's little body. I'm proud of those abs that got lost somewhere while I felt him take jabs and kick and hiccup inside of me. I'm proud of the strength it took to walk around with a 7 lb baby taking up all the room in my body 24 hours a day. I'm proud of the way I was able to find a way to push him out in 20 minutes. I'm proud that I got to be the one to provide him his first meal, from my OWN body.

It's amazing. My body. It's truly amazing.

Chin held high, I will keep going. I am choosing to make better choices for a healthier me. And if the scale doesn't show it, I can still feel it. I know I feel different.

So here's to not being so hard on myself and wearing my mommy badge proud.

And thanking God for a healthy body that was able to bring a beautiful life into the world.

So for now, I'll just keep trying.

Until I get pregnant again. And then, we'll start all over.

:)