Brave and Strong

I don’t have a lot of miles behind me on this whole mom-hood journey thing. But, as I watched my mom friends post pictures of their littles on their first day of school, tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at my not yet 2 year old and thought—why can’t he just stay this little and innocent forever, right here with me? The world can be harsh, and I just want to keep him in this safe little bubble we've created. As I witness each of his milestones, they are equal parts sweet and bitter because I'm watching him succeed as he inches closer into independence and further away from needing me. 

I may not have a lot of experience, but I know in these past 2 years I've become the strongest and yet, most breakable version of myself I've ever been. There is a process to becoming a parent. Whether it’s going through 9 months of pregnancy to get to the intense pains of labor or whether it's through the emotional sweat, tears and unknowns through an adoption.We are forced to become stronger. Ever heard of mama strength?—when moms lift trucks up with their bare hands to save their children—yea that. We get that when we become mamas. We are unbreakable. 

And yet, we are so very breakable. 

I saw a 5 day old donkey last week who was basically no different than an adult donkey, he was born ready for the world. It made me think, when Jace was born he came out absolutely helpless. It was my job to transport him, feed him, clothe him, bathe him. He was nowhere close to as functional as he will someday be in his adult life. 

His vulnerability has made me vulnerable. I innately care for someone so purely, freely, and selflessly--a love so hard it hurts. Like when something is so hot it's cold or you laugh so hard you cry. This feeling is so intense it can't wholly be contained in one emotion, so it spills out on to the next. I'm so grateful to finally know this part of me, and yet so scared of how exposed it has left me.

Preacher Dean Sherman uses a phrase that I love--  ‘grace cut to fit’. We might not understand how someone else can go through something we aren't, or how we could ever go through something that might be in our future, because we only have grace for each moment as it pertains to us individually--cut to fit. So to my mama friends. Whether you just drove with your baby in the car for the first time or are sending your kid off to college, you have been given ‘grace cut to fit’ and it is making you braver and stronger.  Whether you have one kid or seven kids, you have been given ‘grace cut to fit’ and it is making you braver and stronger. If you work a 9-5 and entrust your babies to someone else, then come home and throw dinner together and help with homework and clean the house, you have been given ‘grace cut to fit’ and it is making you braver and stronger. If you stay at home and being a mom is your full time job where there are no breaks and there doesn't seem to be an adult conversation all day, and you have sacrificed using that college degree you worked so hard for, you have been given ‘grace cut to fit’ and it is making you braver and stronger.

And to the world. We need to be careful with each other. Because no matter how old we are, behind every person is a fragile mama who is pleading for you to be gentle with her exposed heart that is out discovering the world--or, there is a big void where that kind of mama should have been. Either way, we should be taking extra care of each other. 

Because being alive--it's a vulnerable thing.

We're all just learning to be a little braver and stronger.

One day at a time.