Conquering a Milestone

There are a few milestones in life that I have been terrified of ever since I was little. My driver's license test (I failed the first time and still can't parallel park, so should have stayed at failure status, but I fooled someone at the DMV, so joke's on them). My SAT's (been there done that, no one cares). Getting my wisdom teeth pulled (they are still there, I'm still scared, this is well overdue, might need an intervention). Giving birth (rightfully so). Being pregnant while having a toddler.

I'm currently living one of the very things I've been afraid of all my life.  And it. is. scary.

I am Miserable with a capital M. I throw up at any given hour of the day and if I'm not throwing up I'm wishing I am throwing up or wishing I am unconscious. I can't even describe to anyone who doesn't know this feeling, what it's all about. It's unlike anything in life. I mean imagine if someone threw you into the bottom of a boat or strapped you into the world's worst roller coaster and said "Goodbye. This is your new life for the next 3+ MONTHS. Oh and we're throwing a toddler in with you." But, it's 10 TIMES WORSE. It's unlike anything comparable to anything. And the heartburn! The heartburn that keeps you up all night long because it literally feels like your esophagus has caught on fire and it takes everything in you not to call the fire department to bring all their hoses and put this thing OUT OF MY MISERY.

The worst is when I hear other moms say how they never got sick. Pregnancy was so glowy and beautiful and lovely. In what world?! Sign me up! I want that pregnancy. I mean, I feel like I am actually Eve in the garden and I am receiving the full wrath of childbirth pains solely on me. It's good I don't believe in reincarnation or I'd have to believe I was a seriously awful person in some other life.

And my body. I just recently lost all my baby weight and then some. And now here we are. 3 months in and I already have a "bump" the size of a basketball. Every thing feels uncomfortable except for Owen's sweats. I just fit back into my skinny skinny jeans and now I'm back into MEN'S sweats?! I mean. Do I get to catch any breaks at all?

And then there's Jace. God Bless Jace. He's a good kid. But, when I was pregnant with him I just slept every chance I got. Now. I can't. Because of him. He's here now, out in the world, and so I must entertain him. Poor Jace's life consists of the iPad, and granola bars, and mommy laying on the couch pretending to watch him play but really taking 2 second naps every time he's not looking.

It's just. SO HARD to be ALIVE.



And then this.

We saw this. And we saw a flickering heartbeat. And it became real. Because one time I saw this.

And it became this.

And my world was never the same again.

A human is growing inside my body and every second cells are forming and creating and designing a baby that will change our lives and our world forever. This baby will make Jace a big brother and Owen and I parents of 2 and the thought makes my heart so wildly and insanely happy.

Well, that I can confidently say, makes conquering this terrifying milestone so worth it.

So, baby. Whatever you're doing in there to make me sick, I'll let it slide, because I'm counting on you to shine your light into the spaces of our hearts that we haven't even discovered yet.

And really, I'm just so honored that I get to be your mama. It makes everything else pale in comparison.

Even the puke.

(And no, the irony is not lost on me that my previous post was about not complaining and enjoying each moment of life.)