Cheers: To Life

"We make boys!" Insert awkward, eek emoji face here because that's the face I've been making when I tell people. As if I'm ready to get slugged in the face--because that's what it sometimes feels like. Believe me, I've heard it all. I've heard every bad and crazy thing there is about having boys. And yet, I think the ones I have are just fabulous, so I know a lot of the amazing things there are about having boys, too.

I think we all have an ideal in our head to some degree. To some--1 boy and 1 girl may seem like the perfect family unit. In my case, the perfection was in 2 boys and 1 girl--that's the family I come from so assumed all my life--that's the family I would get. I remember playing the board game "Life" when I was younger and even then I took it to heart--always hoping for 2 boys and 1 girl.  In a day in age where we can virtually pick out anything we want with 500 options to spare--it's interesting that, generally speaking, we don't have much control over the children we have. Not when or if we have them, not their gender or eye color, or sense of humor. This isn't some app where we create our own characters. In real life, it's out of our hands--we have few options within our reach--but we always end up loving what we get.

I'll admit there was grieving on my end. I grieved headbands because for the love I just want to put a headband on a baby with some cute leggings and boots--is that really too much to ask for?! The possibilities, of dressing a mini me are endless--I promise I would've rocked it. And the thought of Owen with a little girl--my heart can't even handle it. I grieved pedicure dates and chick flicks on the couch and wedding dress shopping someday. Yes, there was a part of me that was sad--that maybe still is. But, I'm thankful for 3 nieces who will be forced to drag me along to all their girly events. My life is not one of lack--for this I am aware and utterly grateful.

So, for the most part, I only told close friends and family first--people who I knew were safe and would only have the best things to say to me. I dreaded the part where I had to start telling people like the coffee stand lady or the acquaintance at church -- and rightfully so. Because when people have their ideal picture crushed they ask you strange questions and tell you things like 'boys are only yours until they get married and then they leave you.' Ok, why this one? First of all, they should leave me at some point -- cut the umbilical cord for heaven's sake! There's a world I would like to travel and a life they'll need to live -- so I will urge them to someday leave me. And second of all, I have seen my brothers get married and still love my mom if not more now than when they lived in her house. I watched them dance with her on their wedding days--I saw her be the queen. I get to do that. Times 3. But, even crazier than this, I have been wished condolences. Condolences. Over life.

As we sit here in the middle of the month where we take time to honor and remember babies that were never born or who died after a short lifetime--it seems crazy to me that a third boy suggests that I need sympathy. There are people who I deeply love who cannot even have children or who have lost children. Condolences should not be wasted on me. I've thought about this a lot. And though he's my third boy--this is his first time on earth. He will be his very own person living and breathing his very own air. This world will be his new home where he will experience some of the most breathtaking adventures and soul crushing losses. His identity won't solely be wrapped around being the 'third Barton boy'--he will have his own name and be his own him. Maybe someday he'll find the cure to cancer, become the president, or maybe he'll be someone who notices the people in this world who are easily forgotten--and be the one who loves them. I don't know who he will be but surely he doesn't deserve sympathy and condolences -- new life deserves to be celebrated. This boy--he will not be sympathized, he will be celebrated.

On the flip side of the crazy comments, I've also received some of the most profound, encouraging, uplifting messages I've ever heard in my life--from moms of all boys or friends that love me or people that love babies or people that love Jesus and even the random strangers at the grocery store. I have been entangled by this net that has come up from behind and let me grieve ballet slippers while speaking truth and life and light over me and my precious boys. I'm just a girl who has no clue what I'm really doing but I have been gifted the honor of raising 3 boys who will one day become men. No Pressure.

So, in this world that is quick to cut our men down and tell pregnant mothers awful stories about boys, and say things like 'I would never want a boy',  I will delete my awkward, eek emoji face and say with my head held high and pride in my voice that we are having our third boy. I refuse to enter this ring as if I'm ready to get slugged in the face--no mom of 3 boys gets to take the posture of defeat. I'm going in confident and ready to spend my days laughing with these boys, playing ball with these boys, fostering a relationship between them built on respect and trust and honor, while creating a space for them to also be authentic, honest and vulnerable (oh man, is it my dream that these 3 boys would be best friends.) I know life will be messy and even stinky and I'll probably lose my cool more than I will care to admit, but I will strive to point them to Jesus. And teach them to love and care for and serve people. There are far too many men in this world who were never taught what it means to be a good husband or father. I will do my best to deposit more good men back into a society that has become dry of that.

And since I, personally, don't know how to do any of that-- I am completely at the mercy of my Jesus who will lift my arms on weary days and give me the strength and the words when I can't find my own. And my Owen. He is a man who lives in a way I have yet to see anyone else live. He is hardworking and involved and invested in his children. He serves his family more than anyone I've ever seen. I say that completely with my whole heart's honesty. These boys won't have any choice but to watch goodness play out everyday (AND he will also be the one to teach them to pee standing up thankyouverymuch.) I already adore the boys I have--these last few years of raising them have been the best years of my life--an absolute joy. So, I anticipate only more of that--more to adore, more to love, more to enjoy.

As one of my favorite moms of 3 boys wrote me, 'I am so excited for you--God has wonderful plans. If He told you now, you wouldn't believe Him.' I think back to a fairly newlywed, terrified me, looking down at my first positive pregnancy test, tears rolling down my face thinking 'I can't do this yet. I have no idea how to do this.' And then I look in the face of my almost 4 year old little boy who has changed every fiber of my being for the better--and I think 'She's right. I would've never believed Him if He told me.'

So, yes. We might be having our third boy. But, this will be his very first time in this world-- living his very own life full of endless possibilities, potentials, and dreams.

So--with the help of my family and friends, we will celebrate, raise our glasses, and cheers--

To life.