Jace's First party!

...it was a hit!

One Year.

Happy First Birthday, little bud!!

Last Thanksgiving I was in the hospital knowing that by the end of the day my whole life was going to be different.

I love that you were born on Thanksgiving. I love that as I looked on my Facebook newsfeed there were endless posts about all the things we have to be thankful for. You were brought into this world on a day where people stop to reflect on how much blessing there is in this life. Your world was blanketed by hearts of  appreciation. The coziness of love fills the atmosphere as we take one day out of the year to unanimously say we are thankful.

That was the air you got to breathe for the first time. A world filled with the breath of gratefulness.

I remember a pregnancy that was somewhat traumatic. I remember grieving for that kidney. Literally. The grief cycle--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...over a kidney that you never had.

I remember time and time again where I had to rely on the promise the Lord so clearly spoke to me, that He would provide for us.

I remember when our favorite doctor said 'your next push is going to bring your son into the world.'

11:32 PM. Thanksgiving Day. I remember the sound of your cry. I remember when your eyes found mine. I remember holding you and knowing my forever was changed. A heart filled with a joy it had never known.

The Lord wanted to show me how rich His grace is when He brought you to our family on a day of gratitude. He promised me 5 days before I was pregnant that "Greater things are yet to come" and I hung on to those words for dear life, in the midst of fear, feelings of inadequacy, and pain.

Here I am a year later. How could I have possibly known? You were worth it all. No, not just worth the nausea and anxiety and grief. You were worth every day of my life leading up to you. Every tear, every piece of broken heart, every day of anguish, every laugh, every smile...it all lead up to you, it was all worth it. You make life completely worth it.

You have changed me. You have changed your dad. You have changed our family. You have changed my friendships.

In one year, you have taught me more than I could learn in a lifetime. You've brought me out of the constraints of my world. We're playing hopscotch on stars, we're dancing between the galaxies.

My soul is forever tattooed with a joy I met just one year ago.

Jace Michael Barton.

You're it.

And I thank you.

It's Easy

My little man. Being your mom is a very vulnerable job. It's the most sensitive issue in my life. Anything said about you is taken very hard...like when the kidney specialist told me all the things in life we would have to limit for you. My boy, when you're created to soar, well, there just are no limitations.

Which is why I wonder how I'll ever let you go to school. The first time anyone says anything to hurt your feelings, I think my body will just give up on me.

I take this job very seriously. It is such an honor. An HONOR to be your mom. Nowhere else have I found a higher calling than being your mom, and your dad's wife. I don't deserve this family. An act of grace.

In the same way I hurt for you, it also hurts when my position as wife or mother is criticized or diminished. Because if these are the most important things to me, then it is quite the gut check to hear or feel like I'm somehow failing. That I am somehow lacking. 

Today it crossed my mind that maybe I don't do enough. That maybe I'm not the best I could be for you.  That maybe I have it too easy and there's so much more I could be doing for you and your dad.

And in the midst of that gut check, you sat down next to me, leaned over, stuck your face in my face and laughed as loud and as hard as you could. And all I could do was laugh with you while the tears streamed down my face. Because it is easy. You make my life easy. Sure, it's harder to run errands, harder to sleep in, harder to go out with friends, harder to go on a vacation.  But, it's easy to love. It's easy to laugh and sing and dance and enjoy the world. You make being alive better. You make joy so real. And I'm overwhelmed by you. And I'm going to come up short for the rest of your life. And there is always going to be more that I could be doing. 

But in the meantime, I'm good if you're good. I'll laugh when you laugh. And together, we'll make this life look easy.