It's Easy

My little man. Being your mom is a very vulnerable job. It's the most sensitive issue in my life. Anything said about you is taken very hard...like when the kidney specialist told me all the things in life we would have to limit for you. My boy, when you're created to soar, well, there just are no limitations.

Which is why I wonder how I'll ever let you go to school. The first time anyone says anything to hurt your feelings, I think my body will just give up on me.

I take this job very seriously. It is such an honor. An HONOR to be your mom. Nowhere else have I found a higher calling than being your mom, and your dad's wife. I don't deserve this family. An act of grace.

In the same way I hurt for you, it also hurts when my position as wife or mother is criticized or diminished. Because if these are the most important things to me, then it is quite the gut check to hear or feel like I'm somehow failing. That I am somehow lacking. 

Today it crossed my mind that maybe I don't do enough. That maybe I'm not the best I could be for you.  That maybe I have it too easy and there's so much more I could be doing for you and your dad.

And in the midst of that gut check, you sat down next to me, leaned over, stuck your face in my face and laughed as loud and as hard as you could. And all I could do was laugh with you while the tears streamed down my face. Because it is easy. You make my life easy. Sure, it's harder to run errands, harder to sleep in, harder to go out with friends, harder to go on a vacation.  But, it's easy to love. It's easy to laugh and sing and dance and enjoy the world. You make being alive better. You make joy so real. And I'm overwhelmed by you. And I'm going to come up short for the rest of your life. And there is always going to be more that I could be doing. 

But in the meantime, I'm good if you're good. I'll laugh when you laugh. And together, we'll make this life look easy.