Satisfied

My sweet baby, Jace.

I've been thinking about some of the posts I've written and thought that if something ever happened to me and all you were left with were my words, you might deduce that I wasn't satisfied with my life. That your mom lived her life always in need, or worse, in want. Wanting to do more, see more, be more. That I never reached the heighth of what I really wanted out of this life.

So, I need to clarify to you. It's not true. Yes, your mom is a dreamer. But, you know what? You're who I've wanted all my life. And you came true. Because of this, you have given me the ability to dream for more. To want for more. Because reality is, I'm satisfied. If this is what I get in life, know that you and your dad have made me completely happy. I consider myself blessed and honored for getting to spend my days with you. Sure, I sometimes feel guilty that I went to school all my life and am not working now, but I know this season is so sweet and you won't need me forever, so I'll gladly trade in a job for these priceless moments I won't get back. My soul is calmed now that you're here. Anything more that I want is just extra.

I've mentioned before it's hard for me to be content in the present. I'm always looking to the past and to the future. Jace, I'm so content in this present with you. The second you go to bed I want to wake you right back up because I miss your smile. I am loving who you are right now and who you are becoming.

You still cry when other babies cry. I see you already have compassion for people. I dream of your future and how you will someday turn those tears into actions for those who need a defender.

Your words and animation. I see you mimicking everyone around you. You're a sponge soaking up the world. I pray that you will mimic your Heavenly Father when you're old enough to know and trust Him.

You're humor. You make me laugh all day. You have sound effects. You spin in circles. You dance. You tell me daily you're going to buy a boat...at least that's what it sounds like. You pretend to sneeze and think it's hilarious. You show your grandma how to cover her mouth when she coughs. You purse your lips together when I ask for a kiss.

You say "I lu you". 

Lately, I've been singing to you, "Someday, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight." We dance and twirl and you throw those gorgeous curls back and bat those long lashes and you laugh. But, I mean it buddy. Someday, I'll remember just this you. This sweet, innocent, beautiful you that has stolen the pitter patters of my heart. I'll remember just the way you look, and it will warm me up like the perfect, cozy blanket. The Lord has been so good to me. And buddy, I am satisfied.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely, never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight.

#YOLO #FOMO

Lately I've been caught in the tension between YOLO and FOMO (You only live once/Fear of Missing Out), and tell my sisters at least twice a week that I want to be famous. I mean if I really, truly am only going to live once, heck, I wanna leave my mark! I want people to know my name! Of course... I'm only joking. Kind of.

Being the youngest in a large family, I blame my natural birth order for this craving to be known. If I wasn't as loud or sassy as I was growing up, I'm pretty sure no one would have heard me over our loud family gatherings. I had to adjust to survive. But, this want of being heard sometimes leaves me in a place of desperation as I realize, nothing I'm doing in my life right now feels like it's worthy of attention. I have this fear. That I'm missing out on so much.

An acquaintance on Facebook packed up her life here, moved to London and is a fashion photographer in the world of European Fashion! She travels and posts pictures of a glamorous life I can only dream of! But, I don't even have to dream. I can sit here in my shirt that smells like Jace's puke, while I flip through her pictures on Instagram and ooh and ahh at a life that looks nothing like mine. Once upon a time, I called London home for a few months and envisioned glamour in my future. Now, I live in Edmonds, Washington, change diapers multiple times a day, 7 days a week, sweep (and sometimes don't) the piles of food that Jace throws from his high chair to the floor, and sometimes get to shower if I'm super lucky and plan ahead.

With all the technology around, I'm constantly reminded about the countless, talented people out there. Even my own friends are crazy talented and crafty and cute. Me. I got nothing to offer in the way of creativity or glamour. It scares me. To have nothing to offer, leave behind or be known for. At least when I was in college or even working full time I felt I knew how to make my presence count. But, now, I don't know where in this world I matter.

I feel like I'm constantly going back to this lesson of comparison. When will I learn, I'll never really have it right. The glamour and the talents, are not really a part of my genetic makeup. This comparing leads to insecurity and insecurity leads to fear and fear leads to a dead end. It's paralyzing and debilitating. Insecurity leads me to no action.

All this to get to this. My non- sensical, egotistical brain knows it wants something more, but doesn't know what and is probably too insecure to get there. And then in my bible study I read Lisa Harper's words 'God clarifies that He has already fulfilled the deepest desire of every human heart to be fully known, completely accepted, and unconditionally adored.'

::turntable scratches, heads turn:: Say Whaaaaattttt? He has already fulfilled these things for me? If I believe this to be true (and somewhere in my head and my heart I DO) then what is this obsession with wanting these things from the world? What can people offer me that will ever feel like whole and complete acceptance and adoration? The answer is nothing. There is nothing that anyone on this earth can do or say that will ever perfectly satisfy any part of my heart or make me feel completely secure.

So, that leaves me here.  Lisa Christina Barton. Mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I can be plain old me without having to throw the best parties or have a pottery barn-esque house, or have the best ideas for process improvements in the workplace, and yet I can still be unconditionally adored by the Creator of the Universe.

If we all really walked in the security of being fully known, completely accepted and unconditonally adored, I think that assurance would be a game changer.

And those of us who really got this concept would be world changers.

Not the kind that are on movie screens, but the kind that shake up the nations. The kind that open up spaces on earth to fit in pieces of heaven.

If I only get one chance at this life, this is what I want. I don't want to miss out on anything because of my insecurities. I want to move boldy in the direction of world changer because of an unwavering confidence in who He says I am. Not for the tabloids, but for a kingdom that has no end.