#YOLO #FOMO

Lately I've been caught in the tension between YOLO and FOMO (You only live once/Fear of Missing Out), and tell my sisters at least twice a week that I want to be famous. I mean if I really, truly am only going to live once, heck, I wanna leave my mark! I want people to know my name! Of course... I'm only joking. Kind of.

Being the youngest in a large family, I blame my natural birth order for this craving to be known. If I wasn't as loud or sassy as I was growing up, I'm pretty sure no one would have heard me over our loud family gatherings. I had to adjust to survive. But, this want of being heard sometimes leaves me in a place of desperation as I realize, nothing I'm doing in my life right now feels like it's worthy of attention. I have this fear. That I'm missing out on so much.

An acquaintance on Facebook packed up her life here, moved to London and is a fashion photographer in the world of European Fashion! She travels and posts pictures of a glamorous life I can only dream of! But, I don't even have to dream. I can sit here in my shirt that smells like Jace's puke, while I flip through her pictures on Instagram and ooh and ahh at a life that looks nothing like mine. Once upon a time, I called London home for a few months and envisioned glamour in my future. Now, I live in Edmonds, Washington, change diapers multiple times a day, 7 days a week, sweep (and sometimes don't) the piles of food that Jace throws from his high chair to the floor, and sometimes get to shower if I'm super lucky and plan ahead.

With all the technology around, I'm constantly reminded about the countless, talented people out there. Even my own friends are crazy talented and crafty and cute. Me. I got nothing to offer in the way of creativity or glamour. It scares me. To have nothing to offer, leave behind or be known for. At least when I was in college or even working full time I felt I knew how to make my presence count. But, now, I don't know where in this world I matter.

I feel like I'm constantly going back to this lesson of comparison. When will I learn, I'll never really have it right. The glamour and the talents, are not really a part of my genetic makeup. This comparing leads to insecurity and insecurity leads to fear and fear leads to a dead end. It's paralyzing and debilitating. Insecurity leads me to no action.

All this to get to this. My non- sensical, egotistical brain knows it wants something more, but doesn't know what and is probably too insecure to get there. And then in my bible study I read Lisa Harper's words 'God clarifies that He has already fulfilled the deepest desire of every human heart to be fully known, completely accepted, and unconditionally adored.'

::turntable scratches, heads turn:: Say Whaaaaattttt? He has already fulfilled these things for me? If I believe this to be true (and somewhere in my head and my heart I DO) then what is this obsession with wanting these things from the world? What can people offer me that will ever feel like whole and complete acceptance and adoration? The answer is nothing. There is nothing that anyone on this earth can do or say that will ever perfectly satisfy any part of my heart or make me feel completely secure.

So, that leaves me here.  Lisa Christina Barton. Mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I can be plain old me without having to throw the best parties or have a pottery barn-esque house, or have the best ideas for process improvements in the workplace, and yet I can still be unconditionally adored by the Creator of the Universe.

If we all really walked in the security of being fully known, completely accepted and unconditonally adored, I think that assurance would be a game changer.

And those of us who really got this concept would be world changers.

Not the kind that are on movie screens, but the kind that shake up the nations. The kind that open up spaces on earth to fit in pieces of heaven.

If I only get one chance at this life, this is what I want. I don't want to miss out on anything because of my insecurities. I want to move boldy in the direction of world changer because of an unwavering confidence in who He says I am. Not for the tabloids, but for a kingdom that has no end.