My Biggest Fear

So my funk.

I have not been this insecure about myself since I was in middle school. And I had a REALLY good excuse in middle school. Hair straighteners didn't exist in my world. Glasses that were too big face for my face. Teeth that went north, south, east, AND west. I had a great excuse for the insecurities I had.

It's been so long since I have been crippled by my fears. Yet, here I am.

My fears could take up a whole dictionary-sized book, but I'll share a few.

Fear of not being a good wife.

Fear of not being a good cook.

Fear of having a messy house for all my guests to criticize.

Fear of being looked down on because I have no art in my heart. Seriously. I have no eye for anything artistic. My walls have been bare since we moved in because I just don't know what to do with them. Some guy's Facebook status today said 'it is the gift of women to make things beautiful'. Oh how TERRIBLY I have failed in this department.

Fear of not being seen as beautiful. I'm at my heaviest weight in all my life and I know I'm not the only one who notices. It scares me!  But not enough to put the cupcake down and go for a walk.

Fear of not being a good enough friend/sister. I have all these amazing friends and family! What can I do for them that is as amazing as they have done for me?

I have been so insecure and paralyzed by these fears that it has caused me to do nothing more than to fixate on them. I've used up all my time looking for things to buy or things to put on my walls (although I must add, again, I have AMAZING friends who have helped me put most of this together now).

I've been cleaning my house everyday (not necessarily a bad thing, but it is since I'm doing it out of anxiety), like scrubbing down counters, vacuuming, hanging up clothes. I go around and try to make sure everything is where it's supposed to be in case someone stops by (and then, of course when I DON'T do it, someone stops by and I feel dumb).

I've been looking at old pictures of myself, and comparing new pictures. And seeing how much skinnier I used to be.

My mind is constantly working over time. Over thinking things, being overly sensitive to things ,wondering what people say behind my back when they can say harsh things to my face.

**Let me just add my husband has nothing to do with my psychoticness! He is amazing and thinks I am amazing and our condo is amazing and anything I do to it is amazing...for some strange reason:) He's a good man! Thank you Jesus for giving me the best man you could find out there!**

So here I am. A ball of mess. A big ball of hot mess.

And the one place my eyes and my heart should be are on Jesus.I KNOW He is in the business of melting these insecurities away. He has done it for me countless times. Because when I realize everything isn't about me, but it's about Him, my insecurities don't seem all that important anymore. I KNOW I just need Him. I need His perspective. I need to know that all I am is His vessel, that I am not my own.

Yet, I can't do that. Because right now, He's my biggest fear.

I found myself praying the other day, and I was about to pray "Lord, do whatever it takes in my life, do whatever you need to do to make me love you more. To make my life reflect you more." But yet, I couldn't do it.

I found myself stopping my prayer, because i just couldn't do it. I don't want Him to do whatever it takes right now. Saying "whatever it takes" assumes I am asking Him to TAKE. I don't want my world to get knocked of its orbit again. Because despite these crazy insecurities, there are things I would never want to change about my life.

A year ago this weekend, everyone within an arms distance reach from me was drowning. Lives were spiraling out of control and there was no stopping it for the next few months. Everywhere I looked, lives were falling apart. I look back now and know that God sustained us all. He gave strength when there was none to be found. He gave peace when chaos was the only option. He gave breath when we couldn't breathe on our own. He gave hope when we shouldn't have had any. He woke us up, even though we wanted to sleep through it all.

And here I am. A year later. I'm back to a little bit of calm. Despite these insecurities, I like the normalcy of my life. I like that I'm in love with my husband. I like that I have my friends all coming home for Christmas. I like that my family and I are all getting along. I like that no one I know has been touched by death in the last month. I like that Owen and I both have full time jobs. I like that my car is running (only God knows how). I like that our heater works. I like that I can call my mom on the phone whenever I want. I like that my niece and nephews are healthy and growing. I like that I have friends who love me unconditionally. I like that I live in downtown Edmonds, just a few steps away from the beach and one of my most wonderful friends. I like that on a clear day, the snow-capped mountains look like a picture I hung on my wall. I like that my Christmas tree is quickly dying by the heater and that my house smells like the woods (don't tell Owen I actually like that).

I'm not ready to let any of this go.

I don't want to feel pain, or rejection, or loss.

And yet for some reason, I know that's where I learn the most. In those times. In those places. That's where my Savior sweeps me off my feet and blows through the box I've put Him in. 

I don't want Him to do whatever it takes to get me back on my knees again.

Because I'm deathly afraid of the cost.

Right now,

the One thing I need the most,

Is my biggest fear.