Our Wedding

6 months ago today...

I woke up with my bff, Amy, beside me. Well actually, I didn't sleep much because she was kicking me all night...or maybe it was nerves.

My dad prayed for me one last time before I wasn't all his anymore. While my mom cried.

I got my hair done and at the last second decided to put in a clip my mom gave me. It ended up being one of my favorite things in pictures.

4 people had to dress me. 

2 people had to help me go to the bathroom at all times.

My feet were killing me.

It was perfect weather.

I was airbrushed.

Samantha fed me cheese and crackers against my own will.

Chinu thought I was getting too much attention.

My stomach went through waves of peace and calm to waves of butterflies and nausea.

I was afraid Shifa would protest.

I was nervous we were behind schedule.

I saw him.

The heels of my shoes sank into the grass.

Everyone told me to stick my chin out and not be so afraid to look like I like him.

We forgot to tell the ring bearer to show up for pictures. So he didn't.

We forgot to tell Owen's out of town family to show up early for pictures. So they didn't.

We gathered in a room and watched through the window as people arrived.

8 groomsman told me I was beautiful. In some form or other.

I breathed in and out. In... and out...

My baby cousin (not so baby anymore) said "Lisa" and that was all he could say with tears in his eyes and his voice as he hugged me. It was the first time all day I had to choke back the tears.

My brother said "I Love You" in sign language right before he walked down the aisle.

The bridal party left me 2 by 2 and I suddenly felt so proud and overwhelmed by all of them.

I heard the song "You're beautiful" and for a split second, it was just me and God. Saying it to each other.

I've never seen Westgate Chapel look more beautiful.

My dad put my hand in Owen's.

I made the biggest promise I've ever made. And I did it in front of my high school friends, college friends, church friends, family, strangers, co workers. And I didn't cross my fingers.

I took communion for the first time as his wife.

We signed the papers to make it official like a referee with a whistle.

I was greeted by a mob. People from Washington, Oregon, California, Texas, Colorado, New York, India. We were ready to party!

We sat in the back of an old  Rolls Royce while the driver talked to us about his life. The whole time. Like. The whole time.

Strangers stuck in traffic honked their horns and whistled and shouted. I loved the world and everybody in it.

We stopped by Volunteer Park.

We arrived at the Sheraton and I left him for my girls one more time.

They were all dressed in Indian attire. Stunning. 

I reapplied my makeup and had a glass of champagne.

The DJ announced the couples. And 2 couples danced out to the reception with no music on. Hahahhaha.

I caught a glimpse of the dimly lit room. My stomach did a somersault. It was perfect. It was gorgeous. To the last tiny detail, it was more than I ever knew I wanted. Katie and her minions.

We came in to our friend playing the dhol. It was pretty dang cool.

We ate. We laughed.

"Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys came on and I looked at Amy and Chinu and we almost cried.

Bina and Nisha had me sobbing.

My brother blasted me.

My brothers and sisters surprised us with the cutest dance EVER! and threw confetti on me. I jumped out of my seat screaming, as my mom screamed at me to sit down because I was blocking her view. Geesh. Sorry, mom! Forgot whose day it was :)

My little men were dressed to the nines.

We danced. We danced. We danced.

The Indian people taught the white people how to 'screw in the light bulbs'. It was like the feast at Plymouth Rock all over again.

People were sweating more than I thought humanly capable.

I said good-bye to 4 of my closest friends, knowing I wouldn't see them again until Christmastime.

But, it was magic.

It was all magic.

Hard to believe it was 6 months ago. All my dreams came true. Everything in life suddenly made more sense. Every person I loved rejoiced and celebrated with us--and I loved them more than ever that day. Every pain in life was suddenly worth it --because days like this existed. Every happiness paled in comparison.

It was just 6 months ago when they first called me "Mrs. Owen Barton".

July 31st, 2010. 

Heaven on earth.

Passion, Desire, Dreams

(Thanks Google for your image)

 "Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping

waiting and though uwanted, unbidden

it will stir open its jaws and howl.

It speaks to us,

guides us,

rules us all, and we obey.

What other choice do we have? 

Passion is the source of our finest moments.

The joy of love

the clarity of hatred

and the ecstasy of grief.

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.

If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace,

but we would be hollow.

Empty rooms shuttered and dank. 

Without passion

We'd be truly dead"

 -Joss Whedon

I have had kind of a mental block from my last post. So I have this thing inside of me to not be doing what I'm doing right now. Just this "itch" to do be doing something else. So now what? I WANT to do something else. I KNOW this is not the most God has planned for Owen and I. It can't be. A 9 to 5 desk job is not either of our dreams. It might not be missions or maybe it's short term missions. Or maybe it's a different job. So what's next? What do we do with these scattered puzzle pieces that we can't somehow fit together to make a cohesive pattern. There is passion, there is desire for something more, but how do we attain that?

I've been thinking a lot about dreams and desires. It's so cool to me that not everyone has the same passions. While one person might have a passion for missions another person might have a passion for music and things get done in the kingdom of God all across the board, because he placed different desires and calls in us. To go do something that is burning inside of us, for His name. He is pretty dang brilliant, that God. 

And we all reflect parts of His personality. What a privilege to be His hands and feet! We get to play a part in all of this because He has birthed individual desires in all of us. He gets glory and the thirst of our souls get satisfied. Again I say, brilliant. 

But sometimes, our desires and dreams become our own. We cling so tightly to wanting that thing that we lose purpose. He gave us desires not to hoard and dictate on our terms, but to line up with His vision. And then when we don't see them happening the way we want, we get frustrated and angry. We close down, shut off. We want that desire to just go away so we can just rest in where we are now. 

I went to this gal's concert last night. She shared her heart about her dreams of pursuing music and her "selfishness" in her pursuit. She told us that she prayed for the desire to just go away because it hurt too much. 

God didn't give us desires to be silenced and to be shoved in the back of our hearts for safekeeping and hoarding. He gave us desires so that we will move. So that it will drive us to go after the things He is after. 

This is not our permanent home. We are guests on this Earth with purpose. He breathed a mission into all of us. He backed it up with passions and desires and dreams. 

He gave us His heart for this place. He asked us to do His work. Sometimes we find ourselves inadequate to do the job. But He does not fail. He can use anything and anyone He wants, to accomplish the desires of His heart. We get to make the choice of whether we will participate, no matter how hard, how painful, and how beautiful

But whatever we decide,

He will have His way. 

At her concert, Steph sang this song, by Brit Nicole. I want this to be the song of my heart. 

Feels like I`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
Whoa-oh..

And I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won`t forget.
Whoa-oh
You love me.
Have your way.
Yeah

http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/britt+nicole/Have+Your+Way/

I have an itch....

...and I really wanna scratch it.

My friend, Heather, showed me this video a few months ago. Little did I know a few months later I would watch it on replay for hours on end with goosebumps on my arms and a fire burning in my chest. 

Just watch it. You are excused from watching the video on my last post. But this one. You must.Who knows? A couple months from now you might have the same fire roaring in you, screaming at you to DO something. 

I sit at work dreaming of a far off land. Where my days aren't scripted by hours at my desk. Where I don't feel like a hamster on one of those wheels, running fast, getting nowhere. Wake up, go to work, go home, eat, sleep and do it all again.

I dream of a day when Owen wears sweater vests (I don't know why sweater vests, that's just what he's wearing in my dream)  and teaches college kids something. Anything really. And plays with kids in his free time. Where he laughs and loves what he does. Where he uses his hands and gets muddy. Where He talks about Jesus and learns and explores and creates and builds and gets to sleep at a decent hour.  

A day when I can teach the girls computers again, or English, or the Bible. I dream of a day when I wipe snotty noses, braid hair, cut out shapes from construction paper and give out hugs as popular as free candy.

Where today is a distant cousin to the day before and a stranger to the day after.

Where the kids WANT to learn because it is a luxury, not a chore. They don't feel the desire to disrespect you or rebel against anyone to avoid being a cookie cutter teenager. Instead, they love you for what you have to give them.They soak up every word you say. You see it in their eyes. Their own fire. To learn more about anything that anyone wants to teach them. English. Computers. Music. Hopscotch. Jesus.

I haven't let myself think of things I would be leaving behind. Or the hole in my heart for all the things here that fit in it. Or how we would make money. Or how we would want to raise our kids. I'm in the honeymoon stage with these thoughts and I only have the good butteflies.  

I can hardly contain myself thinking about the endless possiblities. There are so many people in this world that I can look at and admire and say "I wish I could do something like that". But I CAN do something like that. It just takes action steps. If my limbs had a mind of their own they would already be walking to that place that I dream of.

I don't know where it is.

Nor do I care.

I just have a crazy desire

to scratch this itch.

I'm addicted...

...to this song !!!  But mostly because of one part of the song. It's actually kind of a depressing sounding song. But I have had it on heavy rotation for the past few days. I like to feel what I'm feeling with all 5 senses.  Like back in the day, if a boy crushed my heart, I would listen to a song about a boy crushing someone's heart...probably Mariah Carey's "Breakdown". Or if my dog died, I'd probably watch Marley and Me. Or if I just feel blah, I watch P.S. I Love You so I can cry it all out with Holly Kennady (main girl in the movie). On a hot summer day, can't fail with Summertime by Will Smith...or Kenny Chesney.  I wanna hear and see someone else experiencing what I'm experiencing. It makes this world seem like a friendlier place. Like we're all in it together. Like someone's got my back.

So this song... I SO know what it feels like to feel like that? Does that make sense? Here. Read it yourself and don't tell me you don't ever feel like this. <Insert wherever you're from and maybe Paris or somewhere tropical instead of Boston...or Boston if you really wanna go there... and if you already have a 'lover' just take that person instead of 'getting' one> and no. I'm not depressed. I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...

Boston...where no one knows my name

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/augustana/boston.html

Silence is Golden

I feel like my last few posts have been emo overkill. And I know some of you looked at all the words and decided to just not read it ::cough:: Joe ::cough::. So, since I've been too wordy lately, I'll just post some pictures. These are way over due and I'm no camera genius, but here are pics of freezing in Leavenworth with the Hanson's and Clements', New Year's Eve at our place with some of our favorite people, and a fun day with a special little friend:) Ok. I promise not to talk for the rest of the post.

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