Confession

(Thank you Google for your lovely image)

I feel like I just got beat up. Like I got punched in both of my eyes and tackled to the ground.


Today I sat through 11 hours of Freedom. Well, ok. So there is this "Freedom Class" that me and a few of my friends went through today and people prayed for us for our original design--who it is God made us to be before the lies of the world corrupted our view of ourselves. I was so encouraged to realize and speak out Truth about who my God really believes I am. That fear is a FALSE TESTIMONY of who Jesus is. What a revelation.


And then there was the portion where we were prayed to identify injustices that have happened in our lives and our responses to them. Oh. my. gosh. To sit here and actually explain the process to which this happened would just be an encyclopedia- sized script of my chaotic life. So, I'll spare you. But here is what I learned.


When you think you know everything about God that there is to know. Think again. Because He will shake and BUST through the little play pen you set Him in. I'm looking at Him right now going, wow. Wow. WOW.


It's interesting. In my last post I mentioned that if there wasn't darkness how would I know the stars are twinkling? TWINKLING? Is that REALLY the verb that a star deserves? You wanna know how Wikipedia describes a star??


"A star is a massive, luminous ball of plasma held together by gravity.  The nearest star to Earth is the Sun, which is the source of most of the energy on Earth."


Do you know how many light year's away stars are?? I mean, I can't compute those kind of numbers in my head. My brother, Joe, was given the math genes. But REALLY? I can see something THAT far away from me? It is 'the source of most of the the energy on Earth?!' I hardly believe stars should be associated with the word twinkle. Maybe BLAST or FEROCIOUS ENERGY or HUGELY MAMMOTH SIZED BURSTING OF SHINE.


But not twinkle.


Unfortunately, when something is so far away, that's what you see. You see a portion of what it is. You leave enough distance and you only see a glimpse of the whole package. Of the blast. Of the ferocious energy. Of the hugely mammoth bursting of shine.


Where have I put my God in my life? What is the distance between me and Him that I am only seeing Him twinkle. That I'm keeping myself at a safe enough distance to not see who He really is. I'm telling you He only twinkles. I've failed to get close enough, to let Him show me more. To let me tell you more.


So here I am. Feeling beat up because my emotions are scattered. Because I feel like I thought I knew, but am just now realizing. I've been holding Him at a safe enough distance so that He can't come in all the way. So that He can't have all my territory. He can certainly have SOME. But all? No. I have believed the lie that some of it is just mine for the keeping. I believed it and didn't even know it. I didn't know that I was giving God characteristics that aren't really His. That I was telling Him and the world that He is a God who twinkles.


I have been holding a place just for me. A place that I have been controlling. Manipulating. Fearing. Lying to others saying all is well. I've been holding those places for my own sanity.


Believing all the while in my head, that MY GOD is a God of protection. While my heart says "Lisa. Protect yourself and everyone you love because God won't".


I have been believing, everyday, that Owen will die because God will want to show me that I don't need to depend on Owen in this life, but just God. I have been believing that God made me the youngest in a big family because He wants me to watch all my family members die, so He can walk me through healing and show me He can heal the deepest of wounds. I have been believing that God will keep me from having children because I want them so badly. So by NOT having them, I will realize that God is all I need to be truly satisfied.


Who the HECK do I believe God is? Do I really believe this? I believe He is a God of protection who doesn't protect? Or a God of protection who protects everyone but me? Do I believe that His protection and love over me is demonstrated by holding a hat over my head? That it's not as deep as the oceans? As high as the heavens? As wide as the universe?


Do I believe the desires He has given me are just so that they can be taken away? That the desires of my heart should be silenced? That I have to know pain to learn anything?


I feel like I've been beat up today. Because I realized that this God that calls me His friend, His ambassador, who has given me His power and authority, who has given me Life and a heart renewed. This same God, who has given me His all... I have believed false rumors about Him. Rumors from a dark and ugly place. Rumors like He doesn't care about me enough to keep me out of harms way. That He is leaving me exposed and vulnerable and it's my job to shut Him out of that part of my life and control it myself. Manipulate it myself. Fear it myself.


It's like I heard a rumor about my best friend. And I should have known that there's no way my friend would ever say or do these things. I should have done everything in my power to stop this defamation of His character from perpetuating. Yet, I let it spread like wildfire.


So, I confess to you. Whoever you are that is reading this. I confess to you that I am wrong. That I don't know everything there is to know about God. That I have put him in a safe little cage in my life and have tried to contain Him with barbed wires. I confess that I have pleaded for lives to be transformed in His name, while not believing He has the goodness to protect what is His.


And today I release Him. To run free in my life. To conquer and inhabit any territory of my heart and circumstances that He wants. To help me believe Truth and not lies. To believe that He is good. That He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. That He is giving me all of eternity to learn more and more about how truly breathtaking He really is.


I don't want my life to go on this way. Telling others of the twinkle Jesus has put in my life.



I'm hungry to show the world a hugely mammoth sized bursting of shine.