Be Present

I only have a couple more weeks of maternity leave left. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. All my life I have never figured out how to live in the present. It's always been anxiety about the future.

But now, more than ever, I so desperately want to breathe in the deep scent of my present. I want these last few weeks, where my only job is to love Jace, I want them to count.

I don't want to care if he pukes on me. Or if he poops 2 seconds after I just changed his diaper. I don't want to get irritated when he wakes up after a half hour nap. Or be annoyed that I haven't had time to shower all day.

I want him to have my full, undivided, full of love and lacking in incovenience, attention. He deserves all that I've got for the next couple weeks.

I want to breathe in and take note of the way he smells after a bath, so that that smell is permanently imbedded into the core of my being.  I want to hang out by his crib and watch him carry on a conversation with his owl friend. I want to sing to him at the top of my lungs while he watches me in awe, and coos back, my biggest fan. I want to sway his arms back and forth while singing 'the wipers on the bus go swish swish swish', because it makes him laugh 8 out of 10 times. I want to rock him in his chair til he falls asleep, even if it takes a couple hours. I want to smile until my cheeks hurt, because he likes to smile back. I want to dance with him with no other care in the world besides feeling his head resting on my chest.

My little 2 month old buddy is growing up way too fast. And before I have the pressures of life waiting for me to slide my time card through, I want this more than anything.

To taste it.

To savor it.

'Tis so sweet.