Mary Didn't Know

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born,

   to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon[d] his shoulder,

   and his name shall be called[e]

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and of peace

   there will be no end,

on the throne of David and over his kingdom,

   to establish it and to uphold it

with justice and with righteousness

   from this time forth and forevermore.

I've been thinking about the Christmas Story from a different perspective this year. As I hold my Jace and study his eyelashes and how soft his skin is and how his breath smells like candy, I think, Mary must have done the same things with her baby boy. He may have been the one to save the world, but to Mary, He was her little baby boy who cooed at her and melted her heart with his giggles. She knew every line on his body and would give her life for Him. But, she didn't know. Her baby would someday give His life for her.

Mary's life could have been a hit reality show had she been alive 2000 years later. A teen mom, unwed. Riding a DONKEY while pregnant. Only to escape her home because the President was on a baby boy killing spree. Giving birth in a barn. Surrounded by the smells of cow manure.

Could this have been what she imagined when an angel told her she would give birth to the Son of God and He would reign? A life beginning in a barn? Should royalty switch out cashmere sheets for strands of hay?

When she sang that her soul magnifies the Lord, did her song ring in her ears 33 years later as she watched them torture her son. Were the pictures of what she imagined for His kingdom shattered as they crushed thorns into his head?

Did she still believe her own words "for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name"?

Did she wonder what kind of nightmare she was living in? Did she second guess if an angel really told her all these things? Did she doubt the goodness of God? Was she still able to say He had done great things for her as her son hung on that cross?

Or as 3 days painfully passed by, did she replay everything in her head from the time she knew of His existence to the time of his death.  Did she daydream of her baby with that perfect face smothered in her kisses? "How can His Kingdom reign forever now?" did she wonder? Did she feel absolutely betrayed, alone, scared, unsure of her whole life?

But God's promise came through. Not how Mary expected it would. But, He came through. No one would have written the story of a king this way. It's too scandalous. It doesn't fit with our worldly idea of royalty. Kings don't sweat blood as they sit on death row.

And yet.

He did it. He did it in the most unconventional way. He loved us more than He loved himself. He gave it all He had. He saved the world. And His kingdom shall have no end.

His plans are always bigger than ours. God's plan for Mary's son was bigger than Mary's plans for her son.

And 3 days later I bet she was singing her song again.

My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord
My soul magnifies the Lord
He has done great things for me
Great things for me

Of His government there will be no end
He'll establish it with His righteousness
And He shall reign on David's throne
And His name shall be from this day on

Wonderful, Counselor,
His name shall be Everlasting Father

-Chris Tomlin

12.14.12--Sandy Hook

I woke up this morning to a very quiet house all on my own accord. Jace spent the night with his grandparents so I'm sitting in his empty room. Grieving for all the people who are sitting in empty rooms right now, surrounded by fresh signs of an innocent child, who won't be picked up from grandma's today. Who will never come home again.

As news flooded in yesterday morning of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, I watched as evil stole from all of us.

Helpless. Restless. Desperate. Agony. Grief. Questions. Tears.

I held Jace in my arms and thanked the Lord for him. I danced with him while tears stained my face and laughs left his innocent breath. I gave him one too many cookies. I hugged him way too tight and kissed him til my lips hurt.

I ached in my stomach. In my body. Time passed when the oxygen escaped me and took a few moments to come back.

I thought of Santa pictures that were never taken, or are the last picture ever taken. I thought of Christmas presents that will sit unwrapped  forever . That will gain dust as their friends graduate, get married, have kids of their own. I thought of moms and dads.Grandmas and Grandpas. Aunts and Uncles. The relief in hearing your child was waiting for you to pick them up. The violent ripping of your soul into pieces as you hear your child won't be going home with you today. I thought of these little babies. Who were learning to color in between lines. Read Cat in the Hat. Play freeze tag. Warm little tiny, bodies. Tiny hands.  Innocent eyes. Living in a world where kisses made owies better. Left to die. Without their mommies to hold them.

I thought of the kids who made it. Who will never be the same. Who had most likely never seen a horror movie in their few years, and yet saw the most horrific human tragedy that could possibly be witnessed. The purity of their hearts tainted with absolute horror.

I thought of the adults who were killed. Who's children are missing a parent this morning. Spouses missing love. Parents missing children.

I'm thinking of a sad world this morning. How in 24 hours we've all changed. Shattered. Wrecked. Gaping holes in the fabric of who we are. Thankful for what's left of all of us.

12.14.12. Jesus. This day broke your heart before it even existed to us. You are a good God who came here to earth as a human and you are crying with us. You are near to those families who are tortured right now. And you will give them peace. You will give them comfort. You will be their daddy. You will hold them even if they are struggling and want to run away from you. You will collect all their holy tears.  You will supply. You will raise up. You will heal. You will bring justice. You will defend. You will fight.  You alone are lion and you are lamb. You are holding all these precious children, whether with you or still with us, safe and protected in your gentle, firm, strong grip. I pray these things in faith. Knowing and Trusting you are Good. Your Good trumps evil and sickness. We know the end. Your Goodness Wins in the End. So, we walk forward. Confident in who you say you are. Waiting for that day, when we actually can see that everything wrong has been made right by you and you alone.

Psalm 29:

⁹ God’s thunder sets the oak trees dancing
A wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches.
We fall to our knees—we call out, “Glory!”

¹⁰ Above the floodwaters is God’s throne
    from which his power flows,
    from which he rules the world.

¹¹ God makes his people strong.
God gives his people peace.

Thank you Jesus for these beautiful babies you have given us for another day. 

Keeping Secrets

Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

In one of my church small groups this quarter, we talked about "keeping secrets" from God. I thought this was an absurd concept. How can I keep a secret from God if He knows everything about me--more than I know about myself!?

But then it started to make a little sense to me. I started to see how there are parts of my heart that I would rather not say out loud. That I don't want to share with God in case He sees how happy I am and decides to take it away. Or sees how scared I am of something so makes me face it. I have all these things that are buried like a treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean, filled with glamorous dreams and hopeless fears. Locked tight away for my own safe keeping so that I can protect them. Somewhere in me, I don't believe He will.

As much as I hate to admit it, a part of me believes in 'jinxing' myself. If I say it, then I'll ruin it. It's been a challenge for me to enjoy the enjoyable moments in life because of a paralyzing fear of the unknown future. But, I know that a bigger part of me believes in a God who is good and who is for me and who will defend me and most importantly who loves ME. Yes, this Gospel thing isn't just for everyone else, it's apparently for me, too. And He delights in my joy. He isn't sitting on a cloud somewhere waiting to strike me down. He wants to dance with me. 

I've seen a lot of pain in my life. I had awful friendships early in my school years, making me insecure in many of my relationships for most of my life. I've had friends betray me and abandon me. I've had my heart broken too many times. At the ripe old age of 27, I've seen about 13 friends or acquaintances under the age of 30 die-- ranging from a motorcycle accident on the way home from a bible study to overdosing on drugs. I've experienced the ripping of someone from your life with no going back. During my pregnancy, though much worse things could have happened, I agonized over the thought that my baby wasn't whole. That he was missing an organ that every other baby seemed to have. That this would be his life. It wrecked me. I've seen families ruined. I've seen friends experience outrageous emotional wounds. I've seen powerful people misuse that power.  I've chosen to see the world through pessimistic eyes most of my life.

So it scares me when life is wonderful. When my husband is my best friend and we get to live in the same house together and raise the same amazing baby together. When that amazing baby fills my heart with so much joy I don't know what to do with all the overflow and just want to drench it on everyone I see. When those cries of losing friends or being abandoned by them are answered with new, amazing friendships that make me feel secure and puts fun and wholeness and relationship back into my life. When the house that took a miracle to be ours isn't taken for granted and I remember how blessed I am to have it. When the Christmas Tree is up and the lights are twinkling and the smells of holidays linger. When we prepare to host parties this season as it fills with family and friends, just what this house was made for.

I feel like I'm in a period of fulfillment right now. Like I'm sitting in a moment of answered prayers and joy. And yet, I've been afraid if I claim it, it will all be taken away. So it's best I bury my joy in a cave. And keep it as a secret of my own.

Today I don't feel like taking the time to dig the hole that contains all that I delight in. I want to let it boil over the surface and flood my world. I want people to see it and  know that it's from a good God who is with us on the mountaintops and in the valleys. I want to acknowledge the goodness in my life so that when trouble does come, I will remember that this life is so worth living. And I want to be okay with living in happiness. I don't want to feel guilty or scared of these moments. But I want to embrace them because they are treasures meant for sharing, not burying.

My heart is in a season of inexpressible gratitude.

And this time, I'm choosing to dance with Him. As long as He takes the lead.

Jace's First party!

...it was a hit!

One Year.

Happy First Birthday, little bud!!

Last Thanksgiving I was in the hospital knowing that by the end of the day my whole life was going to be different.

I love that you were born on Thanksgiving. I love that as I looked on my Facebook newsfeed there were endless posts about all the things we have to be thankful for. You were brought into this world on a day where people stop to reflect on how much blessing there is in this life. Your world was blanketed by hearts of  appreciation. The coziness of love fills the atmosphere as we take one day out of the year to unanimously say we are thankful.

That was the air you got to breathe for the first time. A world filled with the breath of gratefulness.

I remember a pregnancy that was somewhat traumatic. I remember grieving for that kidney. Literally. The grief cycle--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...over a kidney that you never had.

I remember time and time again where I had to rely on the promise the Lord so clearly spoke to me, that He would provide for us.

I remember when our favorite doctor said 'your next push is going to bring your son into the world.'

11:32 PM. Thanksgiving Day. I remember the sound of your cry. I remember when your eyes found mine. I remember holding you and knowing my forever was changed. A heart filled with a joy it had never known.

The Lord wanted to show me how rich His grace is when He brought you to our family on a day of gratitude. He promised me 5 days before I was pregnant that "Greater things are yet to come" and I hung on to those words for dear life, in the midst of fear, feelings of inadequacy, and pain.

Here I am a year later. How could I have possibly known? You were worth it all. No, not just worth the nausea and anxiety and grief. You were worth every day of my life leading up to you. Every tear, every piece of broken heart, every day of anguish, every laugh, every smile...it all lead up to you, it was all worth it. You make life completely worth it.

You have changed me. You have changed your dad. You have changed our family. You have changed my friendships.

In one year, you have taught me more than I could learn in a lifetime. You've brought me out of the constraints of my world. We're playing hopscotch on stars, we're dancing between the galaxies.

My soul is forever tattooed with a joy I met just one year ago.

Jace Michael Barton.

You're it.

And I thank you.

It's Easy

My little man. Being your mom is a very vulnerable job. It's the most sensitive issue in my life. Anything said about you is taken very hard...like when the kidney specialist told me all the things in life we would have to limit for you. My boy, when you're created to soar, well, there just are no limitations.

Which is why I wonder how I'll ever let you go to school. The first time anyone says anything to hurt your feelings, I think my body will just give up on me.

I take this job very seriously. It is such an honor. An HONOR to be your mom. Nowhere else have I found a higher calling than being your mom, and your dad's wife. I don't deserve this family. An act of grace.

In the same way I hurt for you, it also hurts when my position as wife or mother is criticized or diminished. Because if these are the most important things to me, then it is quite the gut check to hear or feel like I'm somehow failing. That I am somehow lacking. 

Today it crossed my mind that maybe I don't do enough. That maybe I'm not the best I could be for you.  That maybe I have it too easy and there's so much more I could be doing for you and your dad.

And in the midst of that gut check, you sat down next to me, leaned over, stuck your face in my face and laughed as loud and as hard as you could. And all I could do was laugh with you while the tears streamed down my face. Because it is easy. You make my life easy. Sure, it's harder to run errands, harder to sleep in, harder to go out with friends, harder to go on a vacation.  But, it's easy to love. It's easy to laugh and sing and dance and enjoy the world. You make being alive better. You make joy so real. And I'm overwhelmed by you. And I'm going to come up short for the rest of your life. And there is always going to be more that I could be doing. 

But in the meantime, I'm good if you're good. I'll laugh when you laugh. And together, we'll make this life look easy. 

Perspective

Last month it was so hot in our house. After Jace was asleep Owen blew up our air mattress and we laid on the deck underneath the stars.

There is a lot of perspective when you take the time to look up into the vastness of the night sky. It's a humbling experience. One that keeps you in awe of the universe and forces you to realize how small you are. How your problems and anxieties and fears are tiny in comparison to the thriving world around you. It makes   everything seem inconsequential. It forces you to be amazed at the Glory that surrounds you.

I found this blog the other day, and my heart has been broken ever since. I've spent nap times, shower times,  all sorts of free time reading the words of this mother who has lost so much.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense. It can be so brutal. It's no wonder that we have flesh to cover whats going on inside of us internally. The writhing and crushing. The feeling of helplessness and wretchedness and ache. I wonder what it looks like. Is it ugly? Or is their beauty in raw, honest feeling?

I've been going back to that day under the cozy blanket of stars. Where nothing mattered much. All the chaos of life didn't matter. The realization of how small me and my problems are made the world look beautiful.

I have been thinking about the good, the bad, and the ugly a lot lately. The dichotomy between the sweet treasures of life and the brutal lashings. Does one outweigh the other? Is it really worth the pain, sweat, and tears this life brings?

I'm doing a Beth Moore study about the "Psalms of Ascent". Today we talked about how the Lord sings over our lives. Think of the most amazing singer you know...and think if God created that voice box  how much more captivating His own voice must be. He sings over us. He sings over me.

I think of the effects music has over my soul. If God so much as spoke creation into existence, His singing over me are all those amazing moments that make all the terrible ones worth living for. His songs sound like Jace's laughter.  Like my husband's protection and provision. Like my mom's nurturing. Like late night conversations with my friends. Like my family's Sunday night dinners. They sound like peace only He gives. Like freedom. Like His son's life for mine made pure.

His songs over us make this life beautiful. Not only is it worth it, but we are so unworthy of it.

In the midst of chaos and uncertainty, I pray for the perspective from underneath the canvas of the universe. Because it is there that this crazy life makes the most sense to me.


Desperation--Amazed

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/desperation/#share

One more minute...

Tonight I rocked you to sleep, little man. It's been a long time but I just wanted to hold you extra long today. As your eyes got heavy and you cuddled in a little closer I held you tight and you peacefully fell asleep in my arms as I rocked us both in your rocking chair. I gazed at you thinking "I want just one more minute" and one minute soon turned into 20. I always want just want one more minute with you. I can't seem to get enough.

As we near the end of our first Summer together, I am wanting just one more minute. One minute to really soak up all that your first Summer has meant to me. Your first time swimming in a lake, first time on a boat, first time skipping naps for walks around Greenlake, first road trip to Ocean Shores, first time in an airplane, first time at Disneyland, first time at a wedding,  first time on a ferry, first time camping. For your first summer, I'll say you were pretty darn adventurous. I wouldn't trade one of those memories for anything. You made my first Summer as your mama a dream come true.

You have been an amazing baby. 6 teeth coming in at once and you haven't changed your cheery attitude. The way stranger's interact with you, it's like they see a glimpse of what I see everyday and want just one more minute with the boy who has something the world desperately needs.

You went from rocking on all 4's to crawling super fast, getting up the stairs, standing and walking while holding things...from 0 to 60 before we could even blink. It's amazing to watch your personality come alive.  I am sitting here trying to soak it all in. How you went from a helpless baby to a little boy on a mission. I am loving who this little boy is becoming, and yet want one more minute with my baby. Or maybe 20.

So while we start to say goodbye to Summer, I am just as excited to introduce you to your first Fall. The smells of pumpkin and spices and candles and cute boots and scarves and colorful leaves and comfy jammies and mugs of tea and soft blankets and pies and crisp, clean air, and fireplaces, and the scent of holidays just around the corner. Add a warm, cozy baby on top of all that and it sounds like a slice of heaven to me.

So it's a little bittersweet to say goodbye to your first Summer, but I have to say it has simply been whimsical. Us and you and friends and family. My memories of this Summer blur together and look like ' A Starry Starry Night'...a painting streaked with bright colors and swirls. It's you, Jace. You are my swirls.

15 Years of Memories with a Loyal Friend

Chewy's last night with her favorite kiddos

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?" --John Grogan


It's 3:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. I realized the hot tears soaking my pillow are tears that once were caught first by the softness of Chewy's head.

We said goodbye to her tonight, and I think she knew why we were all there. It didn't hit me until we left my parent's house and everything turned off but my mind. All of a sudden the pain hit so deep it hurts parts of my soul.

I started thinking back to the day she was born. My best friend's dog had puppies and I had to have one. I knew which one I wanted, the runt with the spot of white on her chin. I had a campaign ready to present to my parents and everything. And somehow, it worked.

She was a crazy dog for a lot of her life. Sweet, but crazy. Jumping on anyone who walked in the house to shower them with kisses and hugs. She was so hyper we  had to take her to obedience school. It was pointless, because she was obedient. She already knew all the tricks of sitting and rolling over and waiting to eat her cookie, but there was just no stopping her from her love for people. She loved outwardly with an enthusiastic affection.

She didn't care much for other dogs. At the beach when all the other dogs were socializing and sniffing each other, Chewy was having none of that. She was focused on the water and the stick and whoever brought her there. She was my running buddy for many years. She had an athletic spirit and would walk for days with you if you wanted her to. When I played basketball, softball, and soccer, so did she.

But as I was laying in bed tonight, I realized that for the past 15 years of my life, she's been like a quiet, steady, song playing in the background of all my memories. She was there for some of the most crucial times of my life. Middle School, starting high school, driver's license, prom, graduating, college, graduating again, travelling abroad, missions trips, first real job, my wedding, and this year she got to meet my first baby. She was always 'home' wherever I was in life.

I remember the night before my wedding sitting with her and thinking how weird it was that the next day all my family and friends were going to be celebrating the night away, while she was just at home, like it was any other day. But, I feel like she knew when something important was happening. She had her own way of showing you how much she cared, that she was proud of you, that she loved you.

I can't count the number of times she was the first one to hear my problems, wipe (or lick) my tears away, sit and enjoy the sunshine, cuddle up on cold winter days, run by my side or even just sit by my side. Content to just be with me. No pressure to be entertaining or interesting or worthy of attention, just myself. She was a loyal friend who showed her love in the ways she knew how.

After getting married and moving out it was easy to detach from her. I would see her whenever I visited my parents but it wasn't the same as living with her. But in these last couple years as her health has declined, I've watched her stay loyal and keep her youthful spirit despite her physical setbacks. I've watched her embrace all the new grand kids while they pick and poke and laugh with her. Her patience and her gentleness were unwavering.

I hate this post. I hate that I've had to use past tense when describing who she is. I hate that tomorrow night she won't be on this earth anymore. I hate that I feel kind of silly for grieving over an animal this much.

But animals cozy their way into your home and then somehow root themselves into your heart. She's become family, or as mom says 'the daughter who never talks back'.

No words can convey how loved and missed she will be. My memories of her will forever be sweet...a reminder of my youth and all the important milestones she watched me conquer.

My faithful, loyal, sweet girl. Find your rest. You need not worry about us anymore. You lived and loved well, and for that, we are forever grateful.

Anniversary

July 31st, 2010--Our wedding day

July 31st, 2011-- and a few days before and after...we celebrated our first anniversary in Long Beach, California with a couple of our favorite people! Jace was 5 months cooking in my tummy. I was hot. All the time. But we had so much fun!

The Lapps!

Owen and Chris acting like children and rolling down hills

Me and my Jace

Our friend we met at the San Diego Zoo!

July 31st, 2012-- This year we celebrated the Big #2 by going to the Crab Pot for a feast! It was such a fun and yummy experience for us both! We then made our way over to Seattle's Great Wheel, right at sunset, and got to see beautiful Seattle all lit up on a gorgeous summer day! It was a magical evening.

Owen ready to feast

Our yummy meal

Trying to figure out how to crack open a crab

The Great Wheel

Life is only getting richer and richer!

You Love Me Back!

Jacey Pies! Today Daddy let you play in your room when you woke up. After I got up and went in to see you you immediately started laughing, dropped your toy and crawled to me as fast as your little legs would let you go.

It was the first time I REALLY felt you showed you love me back.

Everyone says each age just gets better. I get it now. It's starting to be less about my love for you and more about our love for each other.

My heart is full of joy, my little man. So full.

Why I Have No Time To Blog

A lot has happened as of late. Like for instance, it's our 2 year wedding anniversary!

But for Jace.

In a 24 hour time period he...

...learned how to sit up. So refused to lay down to sleep. SO. Fell asleep. Sitting up.

Perfected crawling. So. I can't keep him in one spot any longer. Which is why he did a somersault off our bed. Thankfully, all this activity has kept us as messy as ever and the pile of pillows next to  our bed caught his fall.

Figured out how to stand up in his crib and lean over to swipe at his night stand. Knocking EVERYTHING over. He also won't sleep for the first 2 hours of bed time  because he stands up and can't figure out how to get back down. So he just screams until we get him back down. Then proceeds to stand up again.

Figured out how to use things to pull himself up so he can grab stuff he's not supposed to have. Like in this instance, the video camera.

And when he gets caught, he has the audacity to put on this face. "Wasn't me."

Yea right, kid. I'm onto you. Keep it up and I won't have time for a shower til you're 18.

Little Life Lesson #2

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only this, but ^[c]we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; ⁵ and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

This is the face of a very determined, frustrated, little boy. He's almost got it. He gets up on all 4's all on his own now and rocks. Back and forth. The object of his affection (usually my cell phone) is within reach but all he can manage to do is rock back and forth. Sometimes, he'll even wake us up in the middle of the night screaming his head off in his crib. On all 4's. Rocking. Back. And Forth.

As a mama, it's sad (and kinda funny) to watch him try so hard and not succeed. I can see it in his eyes, on his eyebrows, in his cry, he just wants to move.The passion is so deep that it overwhelms him when he tries and ends up on his face. But, I know that one day, he WILL get there.

Sometimes I try to help him. I put one hand in front of the other. Alternate knee scooting. But, there is no satisfaction for him in that. I know that once he figures out how to mobilize his own limbs he will be much more satisfied than when his mama does it for him.

So, I'll sit back and watch and wait and pick him up when the frustration is too unbearable.

But soon and very soon, kid. You're gonna fly. And I'll be your loudest cheeleader.

Reminds me of me. And all the times I can't do it. And all the times I want God to just fix all the messes, scoot me forward. But, where is the satisfaction in that? He knows I WILL get there. It's through the trying and falling where the learning happens. Until it all comes together and we see forward motion. It was worth the sweat and tears. It's then that I know He let me go through it for the satisfaction that comes in the end. 

And there He waits.

My biggest fan.

1st Father's Day

We celebrated Father's Day by hearing my bff, Mel J, hit a homer out of the park with her awesome sermon!

Then we went out to lunch at Las Brisas where I tried the Dungeness Crab Enchiladas..mmmm. Decided to take Owen down the Meadowdale Beach Trail which was so much fun! When we got to the beach my free spirted husband ran into the freezing cold water as it began to rain. Jace watched and laughed. I can just see the 2 of them once Jace figures out how to stand up. I see trouble in the near future.We then finished up the day with a BBQ at Joekat's house where Rupal and Emmi told us they are preggo!! Wasn't a bad day at all :)

So Owen is one of those guys who is not into public displays of affection. He has told me on multiple occasions he would rather I told him to his face or wrote him a card if I had something nice (and probably not nice) I wanted to say about him--not post it on Facebook. It's much less genuine. But I'm breaking the rules for my Father's Day post.

Obers. Jace and I are so lucky to have you. God blew all my expectations out of the water when he gave me you. You are easily one of the hardest working guys I know. At 26 you have managed to buy us a house, 2 cars, work your job (while allowing me to stay home with Jace), study for your CPA (and already passed 2!), workout and stay in shape, spend time with your friends, do the dishes and fold my clothes;), all the while keeping God, me and Jace your priority. I didn't think there were enough hours in the day or enough discipline in a human to accomplish so much.You inspire me. You entertain me. You provide for me. You are adventurous and outgoing, yet maintain a humble heart and a quiet spirit. You are gentle, yet strong. You are full of wisdom and full of grace. Every time I find the bad in something (or someone) you always make sure to point out the good. Always. even if it annoys me. Or even if I am right:) The way you love that little boy of ours. Watching you become a dad has been one of the greatest joys in my life. Nothing you could ever do will ever compare to the way that makes me feel. The way Jace looks at you, it's like he sees his whole world in your eyes. How lucky am I that you are the father of my children. That they will have all your qualities to study, soak up, and mirror. I am so thankful for you. For how you selfelessly lead and for how you love. Happy 1st Father's Day to the guy who made all my dreams come true!

Extraordinary

My goodness my Jace. Every time I think I can't love you anymore, you go and do more amazing things. The stretch marks on my heart are big, fat and ugly because of you.

You my little pal, are amazing. You poop on the toilet all the time now. You love it, you laugh at it, you find joy in it...you are all BOY! 6 months and some change and you love pooping on the toilet. I couldn't be prouder than if you were walking across a stage with a diploma in your hand.

You love eating. Everything. If someone is eating something you open your mouth and your head shakes because you want it so bad. Even if it's a stranger's chow mein at the Edmonds Art Festival.

You are happy. Always. The end.

You got your daddy's survivor instincts. The other day I left you to play in your room and when I walked back in, you had somehow (because you aren't crawling yet...so somehow) made your way around your room to gather up 2 swaddles. One to use as a pillow and one to use as a blanket. You cozied yourself up and fell asleep right there on the floor. I never heard a peep from you. You did all this Mcgyver-ing on your own.

Daddy took you swimming for the first time last week. It was LOUD so you seemed a little weary, but I think you liked it. We are gearing you up for that life of adventure your dad's always talking about. But, I think you liked it even more when we changed you on the bleachers because when the time was right, and your diaper was off, you peed straight into the air for like 5 minutes, I swear.

You love playing by yourself. Having a mama who thrives when being around people, it kind of makes me sad how independant you are and how content you are to just hang out by your lonesome. But it's also very convenient when I need to get ready or eat breakfast.

But there are times when you aren't so independant. Usually we just put you in your crib (sans swaddle now, you're such a big boy!) and you fall asleep all on your own for the next 12 hours. But once in a very blue moon, you have a hard time falling asleep. I walked into your room 3 times tonight to find you wrestling with your owl. So I scooped you up. rocked you in your rocking chair, youtubed Nisha aunty's song for cousin Kenz and sang it to you while one of your hands rubbed the fabric on my shirt, the other rested on my heart and you were looking up at me with your eyes locked on mine. My body filled with baby butterflies and I etched that moment into my soul where I'll keep it forever.

The other day when I was thinking about you and praying for you, the Lord gave me the word 'extraordinary'. You, love of my life, were born to be extraordinary. Those hands will be used for something other. Your potential, your capabilities, your love...more than anything I can dream up for you.

I'm so excited to have front row seats to extraordinary. The glimpses I've seen have been enough for a 'a thousand years'. But, I have a feeling those stretch marks on my heart haven't seen nothin yet.

iLife

Iphone, Ipad, Itouch, Ipod, I.I.I.I.I.

The world in which I live in today tells me that everything should be all about me. The shirt on my very back today, in little writing by the tag says, "My Life. My World. My Decree." Everywhere I go I am bombarded by this thought that it's about me. Even this blog...well...it's about me and my life and my thoughts.

Technology has now provided us with plenty of forums to make things about us. Twitter, Blogs, Pinterest, Facebook, all allow the user to glamourize themselves. Facebook, for example, is a community where we can put up the pictures that we want people to see us as, the good ones. Not the ones where our gut is hanging over our jeans or our zit looks huge from that angle, but the ones that have been shaded over by photoshop or the one that was taken 1200 times before it finally looked right. We can 'Like' the statuses and photos of the people we want to be associated with or we can not 'Like' the statuses or photos of people we are jealous of, envious of, find annoying, appalling, whatever it may be, it's our world and we can document it however we want. Accepting the "friends" we want, blocking the ones we don't want, 'checking in' to whatever cool restaurant we are at with whatever cool people.

We live in a society where we have the ability to present to the world a flawless picture of our lives. We can talk about how amazing our friends and family are so everyone can ooh and aww, while in real life, we are constantly tearing them down, ignoring them, rejecting them. We are learning how to ride on the accolades of others by putting on a show, a false reality. While leaving little concern about our actions in the real world.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of great things Facebook and other social networking sites can do. I am friends with people now, that I would have never been friends with had it not been for Facebook. I can put up pictures of Jace so that my family over in India can see him growing day by day instead of developing and mailing pictures to the hundreds of people over there. I've found great recipes on Pinterest. Blogging is my own little outlet. I like writing. And it's cool to look back on and see lessons I've learned along the way or seasons of life I've passed through. But also, it's all just fun. Pictures are fun. Leaving comments for your friends is fun.

But if you stop to think about it, how else is this all being used? To bring glory to our own lives? To, in a way, manufacture ourselves as Facebook "celebrities", with the perfect kids, perfect jobs, perfect friends, perfect families, perfect bodies? We are looking to portray our own strengths. To keep things in our control so we can show the world what we want them to see. And what exactly are we showing the world? That we are living lives that are unattainable?

Romans 12: 2 in the Message says "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. ... Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

How easy has it become to fall into our culture. To use social platforms for our own social gain?  To get obsessed and fixate on ourselves rather than maybe using these social outlets for HIS glory. Whatever happened to Him being strong in our weakness? Or us being perfected by His blood...not by an Instagram filter.

Matthew 10:39 says,  "If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me."

If we want Him to be the leader in our lives we need to stop being so concerned with our own image. We are more apt to following the sneaky schemes some marketing executives thought up in some board room, instead of listening and following a Perfect, Holy, King who decided to walk in our dirt and speak Life into us. Life that is made perfect by His perfection. Not our own.

1st Mother's Day

My first REAL Mother's Day was so amazing. I still remember last year when I wrote this post, before I even knew Jace's name or gender. This year, he was mine. In my arms to love and cuddle and it was so perfect.

Jace was dedicated at church that morning and we were able to publicly express that we intend to raise Jace up to know the Lord. It gives me goosebumps all over. I was in a pool of thankfulness to have so many people there who supported him and us.

Owen also suprised me with this beautiful table that I love oh so much! I married the best of them. Really.

We then had our whole family over for a Mother's Day BBQ. The sun was shining, the company was wonderful, the food was delicious and said table was filled to capacity.

I'll never forget my first Mother's Day. I can never get enough of the boy who made me a mama.

Daydreaming

I woke up this morning with a sharp pain in my chest. I could hardly catch my breath. A heart attack at the ripe old age of 27?

Nope.

I have a lot of hearts. One morphed into a little ball of Jace. One I gave to Owen. One is still in my chest. But there is one that I buried. In a far off land. Somewhere over in Europe.

The heart of my youth stays contained over there. Not sure if I just left in London, or if I took it with me and scattered it around Spain, Italy, and France. Not Amsterdam though. That was a mess.

Before I got married I had the amazing opportunity to do an internship in London with my bestfriend. We then got to travel and it quickly became my favorite thing to do. Ever. I loved meeting new people, embracing new cultures, seeing how much more amazing life was outside of the 4 walls of the U.S. I loved how after work, people didn't just go home and huddle in their houses. Rain or shine the restaurants spilled over into sidwalks as coworkers, friends, and strangers carried on over drinks and food. The lifestyle was a constant party, them Europeans know how to celebrate a Monday.

It was magical. Those 4 months. Pure magic. Every corner I turned was the possibility of meeting my future husband, included with thick English (Posh) accent. Every night produced unforgettable memories and friends. Every site left me breathless and wanting to pause life for an eternity. And I knew that when my 4 months were over, I either needed to permanently move to Europe, find a job, settle down and make it home. OR, I was going to make it my life's goal to get out of America at least once a year.

Well, that happened. For like 4 years. Until the year I got married. And we went to Hawaii for our Honeymoon. Hawaii. The 50th state. Almost made it.

8 months later. I was pregnant.

And then. I watched my dreams turn into the faintest light. Until I could barely see them anymore. And 9 months later, all my dreams turned into one... Jace Michael. He is my dream. Every time I look at him I see hope and a future. He has been my dream since I was a little girl.

But today. I feel like I'm undergoing some type of heart surgery. That the Lord is doing CPR on my other dreams and giving them back to me. I might not know exactly what that looks like, and it certainly won't be turning corners hoping some thick accented English man will sweep me off my feet. But maybe it will include the amazing, adventurous man I was blessed with and our child who is the happiest, easiest going baby. Maybe God blessed me with these two to be my very own travelling companions, ready to eat up the world with me. To serve, to love, to explore, to learn.

I have no idea. These thoughts are as fresh as they were pounded out on the keyboard.

But I must say, today feels new. It feels refreshing.

Sometimes it's worth it.

To get lost in your daydreams.